What to do if your husband doesn’t want to do anything around the house. A crisis in the family, how to overcome it if the husband doesn’t want anything? What to do if your husband doesn’t want to do anything

You met, fell in love, started a family. Or you haven’t created it yet, but are just dating. And it seems like butterflies are flying in your stomach, and the feelings are bright, and there is passion. But you see that your beloved is somehow inert in life. Are you wondering why a man doesn’t want to do anything? Doesn't want to change anything? He is satisfied with a small salary, a job with no opportunity for growth, mediocre clothes and a vacation at a camp site near the city. But it seems to you that everything will certainly change when he is next to you. When you get married. And he can talk about it too. Like, when I have a family, then I will change something. When the children are born, I will find a better paying job and so on.

And if you believe his words, follow your hopes, then you will be very disappointed. Why? Yes, because he will remain the same as he was all his life, as he was before you met. And if now, being in a relationship with you, he doesn’t want anything, it means he won’t want it either when you are in a wedding dress, or when small children are running around your house. He's just that kind of person. Or because he is a minimalist and all his desires boil down to simply having something to eat and having a place to sleep. Or he had a similar situation in his family, where his father was an inert and weak-willed person. In any case, you won't change it. And you need to make a choice now, on the shore, before you get into the boat with this person and set sail. Will this suit you? Can you accept it? Or will you constantly demand from him what he a priori cannot give you? Make your choice now. If you want more from life and cannot accept the fact that your husband does not want anything and does nothing to ensure that you have what you want, then obviously you are not on the right path.

What should those women do if their man began to change during marriage? That is, initially he could and wanted to, but now he’s lying on the couch, and you can’t understand why the man doesn’t want to do anything. In this case, it is important to realize your responsibility for what is happening. Since he was one thing before you, and became another next to you, it means that you have a direct connection to this. Whatever brine you put a cucumber in is what it will become. And this is no offense to you. It's just important to realize yours. I always tell women about this on live broadcasts, in consultations, in articles, and in books.

Why doesn't a man want to do anything? If his masculine energy is suppressed. If his character is suppressed. If his ambitions are suppressed. And they are suppressed by no one, namely the woman with whom he lives. There are three options for the development of events for a man who gets married. Either the woman inspires him, or she simply does not bother him, or she suppresses him. And so those men who lie down on the sofa, sit down to play computer games and do not want to develop, move forward, earn money, most often next to strong women who suppress them.

Think about it, can it be said about you that you are strong? Why do you do everything yourself and carry everything on yourself? What is the main thing in your relationship? That you take on that part of the responsibility that usually falls on a man? Namely, solve problems, provide money, make decisions? If yes, then you need to start changing. Do not try to change a man, whom it is impossible to change with demands, reproaches and even requests. And change yourself. Develop feminine energy and femininity within yourself. Learn to be weaker and wiser. Delegate responsibilities, learn to ask.

I know it seems to you that if not you, then no one. That if you don't do this, the world will collapse. But this is an illusion, which you will see for yourself if you learn to be a follower.

Give your man respect, acceptance, care! Give him what he really needs and you will see him feel like a man again. As he wants again, he will look for opportunities and act.

But to do this, you need to make a decision for yourself that you are ready to work on yourself. Just worrying about why a man doesn’t want to do anything is not enough. And even just recognizing the problem in yourself is not enough either. It is important to start changing the pattern of your relationship. And if you want to change the situation, then you need to start taking action.

I sincerely wish you good luck!

Good day, dear forum users!
I will try to present the situation as briefly but in detail as possible. I am 30 years old, my husband is 32, married for 6 years, we don’t have children yet. She married for love, and I’m sure her husband did too. They lived in perfect harmony, they never even quarreled much, just over the little things. We went through a lot together and always supported each other very much. But the last year was filled with various unpleasant events for our family - my husband had problems at work, moving to another city was looming over us, which I really didn’t want, and it was unclear when this would happen, which depressed me very much, because that I couldn’t plan my life in any way. We were planning a child, but it didn’t work out yet, which also depressed me. In the end, we finally moved, I moved in a terrible mood, I cried constantly because it was against my will and my plans, my husband and I quarreled on this basis, he did not understand why the uncertainty oppressed me so much. As a result of all this, without even noticing, I began to sink into depression. I was not happy at all, I often cried while my husband was at work, I felt very lonely, I had nowhere to go out and no one to see, and I was not used to it. As a result, quarrels with my husband became more and more frequent and their degree increased. At one point, under the influence of depression (I’m only now realizing this), I told my husband that if this goes on, then it’s impossible. I feel unhappy, and if he doesn’t love me and doesn’t want to change anything in our relationship, then perhaps we need to break up. At that moment I didn’t really understand what I was talking about. But I didn't speak for myself. I was ready to change, but I wanted to know that he wanted it. As a result, my husband withdrew into himself, cried a lot, we quarreled, and then cried together at night over how much we loved each other and how bad everything had become in our family. Quarrels and scandals continued for a month. And a month later, I accidentally discovered a flirting correspondence between my husband and one woman in an online game. There was no physical betrayal, I know for sure, they never even met - they live in different countries, she has a family and a child. But it was emotional. The husband justified himself by saying that he believes that he has not cheated, it doesn’t mean anything to him, it’s just that because of all our scandals he felt bad and he found an “outlet” for himself so as not to harm his family and make his life easier. But after that I just seemed to go crazy. This is unacceptable for me, and what especially hurt me was that I, too, felt terribly bad all this time from our quarrels, but I did not seek consolation in someone on the side, I tried to get my husband’s support, but he was distant. In the emotions of this, I said a lot of unnecessary things. Now I understand that I shouldn’t have done this, but you can’t get time back. Then I was in terrible pain and out of fear, anger, despair, I told him a lot of things that were actually wrong. For example, that he has become disgusting to me, that I don’t want children from him, and that in general he is not the person he pretended to be and whom I married. I cried every day, I couldn’t calm down. I didn’t understand how it was - we seemed to have decided to restore good relations, to save our family, but he did just that. Now time has passed. I still remember this to him. There are fewer quarrels, about once a week we can, but without such fatalism - so that before the divorce. The rest of the time we try to somehow maintain life, smile, communicate, joke, talk, go to the cinema. But my husband always says that he doesn’t want anything. That something broke in him during our quarrels and he doesn’t understand what. That he needs time to process everything that happened. That he can’t work on our relationship and doesn’t want to do anything. That he always thinks that suddenly then, out of emotion, I told him the truth, and not now, when the emotions have subsided and I tell him that I am ready to work, I am ready to change, I want to save our family, because I love him , I really love it. But he is silent, he doesn’t believe me. I already want to climb the wall from this silence, I can’t stay in limbo for so long, it exhausts me mentally. I see that he is also trying to please me, to upset me less, to support me, but he immediately says in words that he is not doing anything, it just happens that way. I don't know how we can get out of this crisis. How can I understand him and how can I explain to him that I really need him? How to restore old relationships? I understand that I made a lot of mistakes, and that I shouldn’t have raised such topics, being in a depressed state, that he heard not at all what I wanted to tell him. But what to do now that there is no turning back? Is it even possible to save the family or is this the end? He doesn’t want to go to a psychologist, citing the fact that he doesn’t yet understand why. We live together, he doesn’t want to leave. We sleep together, but without intimacy - he says he can’t do it yet. If you can, please advise what to do? How should I behave with him? How to talk correctly? What should I do? I don't want to lose him, I know I love him, but I'm confused... I would be grateful for answers.

QUESTION: good day, Elena!

I am 29 years old. Married for 6 years. The child is 2.5 years old. I'm on maternity leave until I'm 3 years old. I don’t like the job where I’m on maternity leave, but it brings me good money. I plan to return there when the child starts kindergarten. My husband is 36, doesn’t really have a job, only occasional part-time jobs. We live on 25,000 rubles. per month. There is only enough money for food. I have my own apartment, a car (given by my parents) and that’s it. Before the birth of a child, when there was time and money, life was more interesting - trips, meetings with friends, renovations, joint plans, interests. Life was spinning and boiling. There were interests... And now - a rotten, sad swamp. Groundhog Day dragged on for years. Nothing is happening, there is no money to go somewhere or go somewhere. Meetings with friends have become very rare and dull - everyone has their own families, children, problems. The only thing that makes me happy is the child, his successes and his development... But there is my life, and it has become gray and boring. I often quarrel with my husband and almost got divorced. He can’t find a job (although I don’t think he wants to), he doesn’t feel like a man, but he doesn’t do anything about it. He also sighs and that’s it. I understand that inspiring a man to do great things is a woman’s task, but I myself have no inspiration. We get sick all the time (colds with complications). There is almost no sex life, sometimes there are bursts when I have a hormonal surge and my instinct demands to reproduce, then I keep up with my husband for several days... And then again there is complete indifference. I don't have time to do my own things. The child does not lag behind me, I must always be nearby and must play and study with him. He doesn’t want to play with dad, because it’s more interesting with mom. I wash him, feed him, teach him, put him to bed, walk him... and dad sometimes just joins me, but does not replace him, although he is almost always at home. At the same time, I cook, clean and wash everyone’s dishes. I don’t have time to read a book, watch a movie, or do handicrafts that I used to love. I don’t complain about everyday life... I have enough energy for both the child and the household. But, in fact, nothing more. There are no emotions and impressions in life. And there is no money to buy them (to go to the theater, to the pool, to a concert, to a restaurant, to jump with a parachute, or to visit a climbing wall, etc.). And there is no time for this. It is very difficult to get out somewhere with a small child, so this would be interesting for all of us. In general, boredom, terrible, green-gray boredom. Painting your nails with red polish and washing dishes with it is not inspiring. Putting on beautiful underwear and going for a ride on a hill, too, delicious dinners no longer please anyone. It’s bad for mom - it’s bad for everyone! I'm terribly depressed!

Irina

ANSWER: Irina!

Don't make this diagnosis for yourself. It's not depression and it's good! With depression, a person will not even be able to get up from the couch; most likely, your husband has this condition if he gives up and does nothing.

Even though you yourself write and admit that you are doing practically nothing, in order to change anything, everything needs to be changed! Starting with yourself! Why is the child attached only to you? Leave him with his father more often, he will get used to him, and his father will learn to play with him and entertain him. When you go out on some personal business, and this must be done at least once or twice a week, leave certain tasks for your husband. What to do with your child and how to play entertaining games with him. The main thing is that upon arrival they demonstrate their “achievements” to you. And go visit yourself, to a shopping center, just for a walk, or somewhere else. You yourself have arranged your life this way, you have taken on everything yourself, you must be able to distribute responsibilities.

But you are not alone with this problem! A lot of women complain. But this is temporary! There are only six months left, be patient! Learn to love and respect yourself, set goals for your husband and yourself. But first, the motive - why do you need this? Maybe for the sake of saving the family? After all, it is very easy to destroy everything, but it is difficult to create something new. Make your husband move, don’t pull everything on yourself. You have the right to free time only for yourself. Don’t despair, know that thoughts are material. Mentally you can make yourself incredibly happy, or absolutely unhappy! Please stay positive!

What to do if your husband doesn’t want to do anything?

Our situation is the same, only we don’t have a child, so there’s no one to be jealous of. When I’m tired of his constant answer, then I say that I’m tired too, but I cook dinner for him, he says: well, don’t cook, I’m not forcing you. But if you don’t prepare it, there will be resentment and scandal. I also don’t know what to do(.

The main thing is that your husband earns money; many men are unemployed now. And if you give good advice, then make your husband respect himself. Take turns washing dishes. Taking out the trash too. In general, now many men are keen on the computer in their free time, it’s difficult to advise anything.

I think the problem is not that your husband doesn’t want to do anything. I am familiar with this situation; I have seen it many times among my friends and acquaintances. In most families, it is the women who cook, wash, and do the cleaning, and without feeling disadvantaged by it, and this is natural. That's not the point. If your spouse did all the housework, this would not make things easier for you. The problem is that he simply calmed down according to the principle I’m not an alcoholic, I’m not a drug addict, I don’t cheat, I don’t cause scandals, I make money. What else is needed?. And not only has he calmed down, in addition to this he may also be phlegmatic, and you have a different type of character. And you naturally want normal human attention. You want your husband to recognize your presence, be attentive to you, constantly communicate with you, and during communication, his eyes sparkle with genuine interest, participation, both in you and in the topic of conversation. You want him to notice your new hairstyles, outfits; I want him to joke with you, lovingly tease you. You want him to flinch at any suspicious rustle out of fear that something has suddenly happened to you and immediately run to the rescue. To give flowers or show other signs of attention, to drag you out, well, not necessarily to the Maldives, but at least to the theater or art gallery. In other words, you want marital love, and this is completely normal. Marital love...This is completely different from what it was before the wedding. Many young couples have no idea about marital love before marriage, and this is not good. My childhood friend once married the first beauty of the region and then calmed down in the same way. Five years later, his wife ran away from him, despite the fact that he did not drink, did not smoke, did not party, played sports and earned a lot. Psychological, mental dissatisfaction for a woman is even worse than, for example, sexual dissatisfaction. Okay, you don’t feed the nightingale with fables, although it’s very difficult to advise anything in such a situation, but I’ll try. Well, first of all, about the child. For any man, the birth of the first child in the family is associated with a certain stress, which women never experience. The psychology of an older brother who suddenly has a younger brother appears. Do you understand what I mean? Yes, he is jealous. In this case, a certain correctness is required from the wife. If the husband sees that with the birth of the child, his wife’s attitude towards him has not changed, that she still loves and, most importantly, respects him, then the man’s attitude towards the child will be active. And further. Stop being strong! It doesn't suit you. No complaints against your husband, no squabbles - all this is useless, and you probably already understood this. Try to make him see and understand for himself that you cannot do without him. Be friendly to him more often, joke more often, try to be less irritated. Female grumpiness is more terrible for any man than a sickle in the nth place. It is from her that men often hide within themselves. In general, first try to change yourself, and do not think that the results will appear immediately the next day. It doesn't happen that way. Here you will need to show patience and wisdom.

There is another way: if he behaves not like a husband, but like a husband, you can leave him for a while without a scandal, warning that returning is possible only if he understands that a man has no less responsibilities in marriage, than my wife's. If he understands, he will come, apologize and change. If he doesn’t understand, then it’s better to solve the problem sooner than never.

God! Our poor women! And they raise children, and work, and carry the house on themselves, and also have to raise a hubby: so as not to disturb his psyche, poor thing, and how not to frighten him off with rude words! Yes, show him your question here and all these answers, and then kick him out of the house and find a normal MAN! Best of all is someone like him, burned by a cold, selfish woman. I wish you Happiness and Great Love! You deserve it!

In my life there was a situation exactly the same, the only exception was absence of a child, in 3 years of marriage we never got around to it. And this turned out to be good in my situation.

And in this case there are two ways to solve the situation:

1. save the family at any cost, by any means, to drag a child, husband, housekeeping and business on yourself. working like all our long-suffering people;
2. do really only what you have time for, so to speak selectively(well, if you don’t have time to iron your husband’s shirts, leave it like that, maybe he’ll notice and wonder why the shirts aren’t ironed like before?, or let’s say, you don’t have time to tidy up your apartment/house, leave it like that if your husband isn’t happy with the mess , he has discomfort - a rag and a vacuum cleaner in his hands and full blast..., in this situation, the smart one will realize that it turns out that the woman is a little tired, not a robot machine and does not have enough 24 hours a day to exercise on all fronts; well, the stupid one, forgive me, will show himself differently - there’s nothing to comment on here. And it’s up to the wife to decide what kind of man she needs.)

And I want to add, there is no point in swearing and shouting, it will only spoil your mood. The effect of this will be zero.

I am sure that every healthy man should be busy with something. There must be a cause, a goal, a desire to achieve the best, because there is always something to strive for. And so it turns out that that’s it, that’s it, now you can do nothing all day long. I don't find anything positive in this.

You are too fixated on household chores and his help. Get angry, don’t even spit on them, this house with all this cleaning is not going anywhere. Love yourself and devote all your free time to your child. And he can do whatever he wants, let him sit with his beer, hungry, treated kindly in a dirty apartment. All the same, it will dawn on him that something is wrong, he will start to approach you, what and how, and don’t miss the moment here.

I think this is the situation in every second family! As soon as the child is born, the husband is immediately replaced (unfortunately)! Those who can’t stand it get divorced, and some live with it all their lives. Try talking to your husband, maybe he himself has some problems that you have stopped hearing about, because... busy with the child. Or maybe he just doesn’t have enough of your attention and, like a child, attracts it in this way! If you want to save your family, then compromise with each other. And all will be well!

Right now the TV is on and a problem similar to yours is being discussed - they say that the husband is jealous of the child - he believes that he has been relegated to the background and is no longer loved - they advise changing your attitude towards your husband as an adult, and treating him like another child. Try it - suddenly everything will work out, I really wish it for you.

Why is it believed that only women have some kind of mystery? A man is also a bit of a jerk in this regard. Just imagine - before the wedding he was the embodiment of romance, promised complete harmony after the Mendelssohn march, and then - hop, how he was replaced, mysterious. And now, he is already a husband, and does not want to do anything around the house. Hey, where's the harmony?

Well, to be honest, it’s unlikely that any man before the wedding will systematically take out the trash, wash the floors once a week and clean the pots after dinner. It seems like these responsibilities should be on the shoulders of the hostess. But it’s still insulting: “I’m squirming like hell here, but he has the principle of three “Ts”: slippers, “Tanks” and TV.” How to understand it, and what to do in this case?

The fact is that in the marriage of different couples, the husband’s sloppiness is perceived differently. It's all about the psychotype of a man and the woman's attitude towards him. But it’s better to read about everything in more detail.

Type one: romantic drone

How does he behave

It doesn't really do anything at all. Not only that, he also craps everywhere: he doesn’t wash his plate, throws socks and things around, and, sorry, doesn’t even use a brush after using the toilet.

One good thing is that the toothpaste tube is always screwed on. And not because he twists it, but because the guy, in principle, does not know what brushing his teeth is. He doesn’t want to work: “I won’t work for my uncle, I want my own business.” And he lies on the sofa for days, supposedly “thinking” where to start.

This psychotype is the most complex. If this is your case, then several questions immediately arise:

How did you manage to fall in love with someone like that?

It's okay to fall in love, but how did you marry him?

Okay, I got married, but how do you sleep with him, with such a pig?

But, can I answer for you? Falling in love, for example, with a “shaggy hippie” is sometimes romantic. They simply intoxicate some girls with their romance, although they are not an acquired taste, of course. And if you, enchanted, took all the worries about him from the very first days of romance - then good luck. He found in you both a nanny and a housekeeper: in a word, a wife. And don't expect him to change.

What to do

Either work harder yourself, or become like him. Give yourself dreadlocks on your head, save up money for two tickets to Jamaica, buy hammocks, and both laze on the beach under the palm trees. Well, jokes aside, there is no way to instill a love of work in an absolute lazy person. But such a spouse is unlikely to cheat - he will be too lazy to even do this.

But I wouldn’t recommend having children immediately after marriage. If you endure everything and get used to the quitter so that you don’t want to break up with him after 5 years, then it’s quite possible to conceive a baby, but keep in mind that you will already have two children: a baby and a husband.

Type two: a man from a boy

How does he behave

He does odd jobs, likes to go for walks, or sits on the computer for hours. When asked to wash the dishes after himself, he grimaces as if he had eaten a slice of lemon. When asked to do a simple man's job - hanging a shelf, for example, he finds 1000 excuses, always putting it off "for tomorrow." He will eventually hang it up someday, albeit askew, but how much pride there will be!

This psychotype is often found in young guys raised by a single mother (although there are rare exceptions in two-parent families). Yes, from childhood he was not accustomed to men’s work, because his mother loved him too much, felt sorry for him, and took on all the hard work. He was raised that way, he remained a child. Therefore, usually, when choosing a wife, they choose a second mother.

What to do

Is it possible to re-educate such a person into domestic work? With difficulty, with angelic patience, but it is possible. If this option is your case, then take a closer look at your mother-in-law, how she communicates with her son. Most likely, in their relationship there is no “stick”, but only one continuous carrot. But personally, this gingerbread should be given to you with cunning in the filling:

Keep in mind: if you constantly yell at him for being idle, you will run into counter double aggression: from him and from the “heavy artillery” of your mother-in-law. By the way, to say, you yourself chose him as your husband, they didn’t force him on you.

I found myself some kind of temporary job - don’t worry that it’s cheap and temporary. On the contrary, praise that it’s so nice that you have him such a good, real man. Men love praise very much.

Give him “toys” in the form of tools. Of course, he can literally play with them another day. But to prevent this from happening, help him hang the same notorious shelf. Just don't give orders! Act like an awkward fool, like you tried to help with something, hold the tape measure, but it slipped out, nothing works out for you. In the end he will say: “Go away woman, I’ll do it myself!” Stand behind with a guilty look. But keep in mind - another “gingerbread with filling” has fallen into your piggy bank.

And it’s like this in everything: you lifted something heavy - pretend that you’ve hurt your back, stretched out on the mezzanine - you hit yourself, and the like. Show that you are weak, capable only of feminine care. Raise him, boys, to be a real man. And constantly praise: “Well, what would I do without you, man, alone?” You can’t imagine how proud he will be in his soul every time you say something - and he will begin to get used to housework.

Type three: normal husband

How does he behave

He is a simple, average husband - yes, he works a lot, gets up early, comes home tired in the evening, but does not want to take on household chores. He can wash his plate after himself, use a brush in the toilet, twist a tube, but some global things, such as cleaning, no, this is not for him.

The most common case of the average family is that the husband comes home from work, and the wife comes to him with a request for housework. There is already a stone in the direction of the wife. This is especially true for housewives. Indeed, if a person gets up in the morning and spends the whole day as if wound up, then it is difficult for him to concentrate in the evening, he needs rest.

You can imagine the indignation of housewives now: and we are supposedly running around all day long: cleaning, washing, cooking, children, etc. Dear housewives, the stereotype of past years is spinning in your head, when women had to do laundry - manually, cooking without all sorts of multicookers, cleaning - without newfangled cleaning products. Now mostly just walk around and press buttons. But even doctors do not recommend overdoing cleaning until it shines - the cult of cleanliness does not develop immunity in children against allergies.

So, if you belong to this category of housewives, I would like to ask you: what are you doing on the Internet now, reading this article? So is there time for a break? So your husband needs it after work.

What to do

If you still want your husband to help you, here are some tips:

My husband came home from work - don’t rush him out of the door. Let him rest, “digest” the day, don’t bother him with chatter. For now, he needs silence and “what to eat.”

Don’t force him to work right away when he has come to his senses and is cheerful. If you really need his help, then just ask for a little help in working together: lifting, supporting, or whatever.

Negotiate without coercion. For example, before spring cleaning, give him the freedom to choose what he wants to do - cook dinner, or clean the bath.

If, for example, he gets to work and everything turns out to be a mess, there is no need to blame him - on the contrary, help him. “Turn on the fool” and say, let’s figure out together what’s wrong here.

Be sure to give him bonuses - fishing, "Tanks", in general, agree to any of his reasonable hobbies. If you deceive, then don’t complain that he doesn’t want to help you in retaliation - it will be your own fault.

Type four: henpecked masochist

How does he behave

He works, he constantly helps his wife, but she stupidly doesn’t see it. She nags him for the slightest mistake: they say, there’s no point in sitting on the couch and doing nothing, let’s go to work. The husband trails behind his wife, listening to her orders, but the rag falls out of his tired hands and the nail in the wall bends. And here she is, both in his tail and in his mane, saying that other men are like men, but he is some kind of bow-footed quitter.

What to do

Well, in this case there is no problem at all, and there is nothing to advise. Although there is, it lies in the family itself: a despotic and not entirely reasonable wife and a masochistic husband. I hope this, dear reader, is not your case. Because such a wife walks on the edge of an abyss. Why?

The fact is that he “tolerated” such people as a henpecked man, who, no matter what he did, was not right for his wife - you can count them on your fingers. And there is no guarantee that some other woman would not have warmed such a poor fellow with golden hands on her chest. Yes, she will be a snake - but affectionate and gentle. That's life. And let that same vixen hammer in the nails herself.

But! There are men in life who really need such a housekeeper, because their workaholism is off the charts. Plus, they don’t know how to lead, but they definitely need to develop their irrepressible energy. But this rarely happens.