If you had a fight with your best friend: solution to the problem. Why do friends quarrel? Where does friendship go?

Quarrel with a friend

A quarrel is a nuisance that is sometimes very difficult to prevent. Almost all of us, sooner or later, seriously or not, are capable of quarreling with friends. The cause of a quarrel can be anything, but the consequences are simply unpredictable. Conflict is already a nuisance in itself, which does not bring pleasure, but its result is also not pleasing.

Of course, these same consequences can be different, from a spoiled mood for some time to problems and a lot of troubles that an angry and frustrated friend can cause you. For this reason, everyone would probably like to avoid a quarrel with a friend.

It is not difficult to prevent such a nuisance. The cause of the quarrel must be eliminated. The problem is that sometimes this bone of discord not only cannot be eliminated, but sometimes it is difficult to even notice. And all because the glaring basis of the conflict may not be a reason at all, but only a reason for a quarrel.

So, for example, you can quarrel over some nonsense - one of your friends said or did something wrong. In fact, the real repulsive factor may be something else. Let's assume the quarrelsome nature of a friend, capable of seeing a problem in everything and discerning in everyone a potential enemy, looking for a convenient reason to offend, insult, harm. In this case, quarrels with such a person will become commonplace for you. After all, there will always be a reason for a scandal.

It is difficult to avoid such a quarrel. Something needs to change radically here. You can, of course, become just as harmful and quarrelsome, see everything as a reason for swearing and communicate with a friend at the level of “and you yourself are bad.” You will soon understand for yourself what this will lead to if you try. But it certainly doesn't do any good. Although sometimes there are miracles when, having seen enough of “his own reflection,” a harmful friend is rehabilitated, these are just miracles, and you should not count on their implementation.

Therefore, you can choose a different path. The simplest one is to refuse to communicate with such a friend. But if, due to affection, you cannot resort to such a measure, try to talk seriously with him, choosing the right moment (that is, not in the heat of a quarrel). In addition, when communicating with a friend, take into account this feature of his character and be softer, calmer, and do not enter into conflict. In addition, treat this problem with humor; perhaps a good joke will save the situation more than once and prevent a thunderstorm.

A quarrel caused by some serious reason can be prevented in only one way - always take into account the interests of your friend (although you should not get carried away and forget about your own).

If a quarrel occurred between your friends, then sometimes you will find that in some incomprehensible way this quarrel has become not only their problem, but also your problem.

You can avoid such trouble only if you immediately take a neutral position. Of course, this does not mean that you will immediately tell your friends: “I don’t know anything, my house is on the edge.” But at the same time, you shouldn’t rashly take someone’s side; you may find yourself drawn into a conflict.

In this case, it is better to listen carefully to the “opponents” in order to find out what caused the quarrel. It may be worth inviting friends to calmly discuss the cause of the conflict. Everyone will explain their point of view, but you can help them understand. Or if the quarrel between your friends is too serious, then you should say: “I don’t know how everything really happened, and I’m not going to draw conclusions.” In this case, if your arguers are not too impulsive, they will understand that you are right, and troubles will not affect you.

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Determine the cause. Why were you fighting? Was it your fault or your friend's that led to the feud? Why did the quarrel reach the point where you began to doubt the friendship? Was the fight necessary or overblown? By identifying the real reasons for the quarrel, you can correctly decide whether or not to continue the friendship and whether it is even possible to save it.

Point out the subject of the quarrel. What makes you think this is a breakup? Did you quarrel over religion or politics? Differences can lead to quarrels. Often these fights are very interesting if you have the courage to have them, but sometimes they can destroy your friendship. Have you been fighting over a guy or a girl? Do you think your friend stole your boyfriend/girlfriend? Again, guys and girls may come and go, but your friend should survive them all if your friendship is true. And here the main question arises - was your friendship real? Have you been fighting because your friend betrayed you, didn't keep a promise, or committed a crime? These situations are very serious and should be carefully considered.

Determine if there are any specific conditions that are hindering your friendship. Some things can be forgiven. But if your friend is racist and/or cruel to people of other faiths and this affects you and he does not want to change, this cannot be forgiven.

Ask for advice. Ask relatives or friends you trust. Ask someone who is not your mutual friend and someone who will not tell everyone around you about your problem. Be as objective as possible when explaining circumstances and asking for an unbiased opinion. Talking about the problem with a friend, therapist, or minister can really help you make the right decision. But be careful, if you tell this to someone you both know, then gossip about your problem may spread at the speed of light, and then you will not be able to initiate the end of the relationship. You and your friend have already fought hard enough for you to think about the future of your friendship. Don't complicate things by unwisely rambling about your problem. Talk to those outside your general social circle.

Determine if it is still possible to remain friends. Sometimes, after a fight, you don't want to see the person. If this is the case, then all you need is a little time off, one week or even a month without seeing each other.

Weigh all the advantages and disadvantages. If you decide to end your friendship, will your life be better after that? How? Or is it only worse? Imagine your life without this person. Think about the fact that your mutual friends will be forced to choose one of you, remaining a little loyal to you and a little to your friend. How will this affect you?

Think about whether any of you have experienced this before. Have any of you experienced this kind of breakup? If the answer is yes, then this quarrel may be part of a larger problem. Take an honest look at the past - have you ever had a quarrel with a friend? If yes, then try to change your past situation and test your sensitivity. If you consult friends or family members, they may confirm or reject the idea. If your friend told you about your old breakups, think carefully about that friend. Does he have many old friends? People who have several old friends may begin to end the relationship after a certain amount of time, or more importantly, after a certain level of intimacy. This is a defensive reaction and you may not accept it.

Be sure that you are making a private decision. Being angry at someone is not in itself a reason to end a relationship. Insult in itself is also not such a reason. These are just examples of the ups and downs that a friendship can endure if you're both willing to work through it. If you can do it, discuss everything and decide whether your friendship can get through this and become stronger or not. But if your fight was over deeper value differences, then your decision to end the relationship may be the best option. If, for example, the argument was about turning your friend's cousin in to the police for breaking into your neighbor's house, then this may be an insurmountable problem. If you want to call the police, but your friend wants to protect his cousin, then you have a very serious disagreement. For your friend, blood is thicker than water and loyalty to family trumps moral and legal principles. This is a problem that you cannot solve by discussion. If this is the case, then it is better for you to separate and go your separate ways.

Decide once and for all. Know that if you decide to end this relationship, there is no going back. If you decide to end the relationship, try not to do it on a sad note. Look deeply within yourself and be as kind as possible when telling your friend that the relationship is ending. If you are doing this because your friend was trying to protect his family from criminal liability, you may not be able to do it. You, out of your civic duty, inform the police about your friend's cousin, and he will soon find out that you are responsible for the imprisonment of his relative. Perhaps your friend will calm down over time and come up to you and say that he is glad that it is all over and does not hold a grudge against you. Such friendships can be saved. Perhaps your friend was hesitant to report his cousin to the police, and you decided to become the “bad guy.” But if your friendship ends up fading, try to make your goodbye as sweet as possible: “I think we need to agree to our differences. Unfortunately, I feel like this fight was too much for our relationship and I don't think I can just forget it and move on with our friendship. I need at least a break. And honestly, after this fight, I won’t be able to treat you the same way before. Let's say goodbye now and maybe in the future we can start over." Then close the doors and let this be the end of your relationship.

Don't slander the person. Go your own way. Don't say bad things about that person or listen to others talk about him or her. Just say: “We had disagreements, and I already forgot about it. I don’t want to discuss this or anything like that about him or her, okay?” Saying bad things or supporting bad gossip only reopens old wounds. Leave it alone. Your true friends will understand what is true about you and what is just evil slander.

A quarrel is a small war. It is logical that war is a large-scale quarrel. There is no person in the world who would speak favorably of military actions. Perhaps an oligarch profiting from militarization. And who benefits from a quarrel between two people? Only their enemies.

In the Croatian dialect there are words “osoran, osoriv”, which denote a hot-tempered, rude and arrogant person. At the same time, in Latin, a similar-sounding word means “conversation, conversation.”

Researchers of Slavic languages put into the meaning of the prefix “C” the concept of Demolition, Drain, Reset, that is, lowering from Top to bottom, and even Freedom from something. But from what? What do people who get into conflict lose? The second part of the word “sora” answers this. For the Slavs, this is rubbish, dirt, squabbles, slop.

It turns out that quarreling people throw slop and dirt at each other. Indeed, everyone is familiar with this feeling of being dirty, of annoyance from having blackened one’s soul, especially if one has quarreled with a friend.

Quarrel-action

Audit of the soul

Sometimes it happens that a storm of quarrel will shake the soul and remove all the accumulated dirt from it. Secret dark thoughts, hidden in the corners of the mind behind feigned smiles, will suddenly all jump out to universal condemnation. Sometimes it happens.

Without allegories, one can imagine such a development of the plot.
There lived two friends. They respected and loved each other, communicated affably, and helped in difficulties. Life, alas, is not always smooth; there are no conflicts. Friends quarreled.

One seems to speak to the point, and the other, more emotional, suddenly breaks loose and shows his true feelings to his opponent. Dirt, insults and hidden resentment flow in thick streams.

The second one can also pour out his slops if he has accumulated them too.
Was there friendship? This is where you start to think about what is better: to live without testing quarrels and somehow be friends, or to find out the secrets of the soul of a former friend and go your separate ways.

Struggle between authorities

A quarrel is a conflict of opinions, severe rejection of the views of another person. It is tough, intolerant, built on hidden self-doubt. Just because you respect your friend, because his positive opinion is important to you, you will foam at the mouth to prove that you are right until you quarrel.

It's easy to help with this problem. Let at least one of you offer to remain unconvinced. It’s stupid to quarrel because someone doesn’t support Dynamo, and someone doesn’t like milk.

Why is it dangerous to quarrel with friends?

US scientists (University of California) conducted an experiment on 122 boys and girls, to whom they convincingly proved that it is dangerous to quarrel with friends. Over the course of several weeks, they regularly measured the amount of proteins released into the blood, which is an indicator of inflammatory processes in the body.

It turned out that on days when the guys quarreled with friends, this figure increased sharply. This means that the risk of developing depression, cancer and cardiovascular diseases increased. Friendship has been proven to be a factor in physical health.

If we recall the well-known epicrisis “all diseases are from nerves”, such a conclusion of Californian scientists will not seem surprising at all. Any normal person, having quarreled with someone he cares about, will experience loss. And any negative feelings have a bad effect on the biological organism.

Why do we conflict

Irritation, bad mood

You are very tired, you have a headache and want to eat. You are an intelligent person and, of course, you won’t yell at the cleaning lady, much less send the boss or even kick the kitten. You spend a long time, holding back your irritation, eating in public transport, and here he is your friend. He should understand how bad you feel and sympathize with you.

But no, he, just like a kitten, does not notice anything, and for this all the accumulated mental garbage falls on the head of an unsuspecting friend. The mud tornado doubles if it comes to you with the same problems.

You yourself know how to prevent such a quarrel. You need to listen to your friends' feelings and not use them like a trash can, 100%. You can only do it halfway, and then carefully. At the same time, realizing that you are also his friend, which means you will have to be a vest someday.

Rivalry

As in any couple, between friends there is always one who is a little more authoritative: smarter, stronger, more beautiful, older or simply more cunning. This does not increase the feeling of competition, but, on the contrary, helps to extinguish conflicts. The main friend always feels responsible.

However, even in the most ideal relationships things are not always smooth sailing. And it doesn’t matter what you suddenly have to share: one scoop in the sandbox or a beautiful girl in a club.

Such quarrels are inevitable, but they always quickly become obsolete. True friendship will never fall apart because of some external trifle.

Friend fell in love

If not a trifle, but true love?! What if a boyfriend or girlfriend fell in love? Well, then we can only rely on folk wisdom: to understand means to forgive. And remain friends. Because if you are offended by a friend because he spends more time with his loved one and not with you, then it will become very similar to jealousy.

Such feelings can be compared to a mother-in-law’s rejection of a young daughter-in-law. It seems that he wants happiness for his son, and he cannot let go of his only one.

These soul-rending experiences are explained by elementary selfishness. A person wants happiness for himself, and not for another (son, friend), supposedly loved one. This quarrel is also resolved by reconciliation. The three of us can be friends!

Afterword

Having been born and continuing to live, each of us acquires many connections with the world:

Parents' house- a nest from which we fly, every moment feeling its invisible support behind our shoulders. May God grant that this support inspires us for as long as possible.
Family- love for a man or woman and love for children.
Friendship.

Our whole life, happiness, well-being, just a sense of completeness, rests firmly on these three pillars. Nobody argues that you can balance for a long time on two or even one, but it costs too much.

Life is unpredictable. Sometimes the most unexpected turns happen in it. Without begging the price of the first two supports, do not lose the third. Don't quarrel with your friends forever.

Video: How to make peace with a friend

You can often hear: “If you quarreled with a friend, then it was not a real friendship. Here I have a friend!.. He follows me through fire and water!..” Oh, don’t promise! Sometimes friendships that have lasted for decades collapse in one moment.

Oddly enough, the older the friendship, the more reasons for a quarrel. Dissatisfaction accumulated over the years inevitably leads to conflict, only some people have the common sense to resolve this conflict peacefully, while others do not.

Why do friends fight? In each particular case, the situation should be considered separately. Often a quarrel arises, as they say, out of the blue. Fatigue, health problems, troubles at work make us irritable and intolerant. We see something that we didn’t notice before, other people’s actions and words hurt us, we break down, and if family members are ready to tolerate and forgive, then a friend is not always.

As a rule, we make friends in our youth. We are brought together by common interests, we like to spend fun leisure time. Over time, our views on life change. We gain experience, become more mature and wiser. This happens to many, but not to all. Some remain at the same stage of development and do not strive to change anything. At first we try to help a friend, but not everyone has the strength to “pull the cart” forever. A quarrel occurs: one is tired of listening to moral teachings, the other is tired of being a “vest” and a “life preserver”.

Psychological incompatibility is another reason that is the answer to the question of why friends quarrel. Would you say this doesn’t happen? We've been friends for so many years and suddenly realized that we're incompatible?! It happens. Each of us has something that we carefully hide from others. This character trait is invisible to acquaintances and work colleagues, but a friend will sooner or later discover it, and since the secret has become obvious, why hide it?

A friend appears to us in a new light. Behind his jokes we notice a caustic subtext, and his willingness to come to the aid of one and all, it turns out, is dictated by selfish motives.

The reason for a quarrel with a friend can be... jealousy. Ordinary signs of attention shown to the opposite sex in the person of a friend’s spouse can be perceived as an attempt at courtship, and love, as we know, is stronger than friendship. It is not possible to explain to a jealous person that you had no intention of encroaching on his personal happiness.

Gossip can be put on the same level as jealousy. Someone said something to someone, and then everyone was perplexed: why do friends quarrel? Because someone else's friendship does not give anyone peace!

The most unpleasant cause of quarrels between friends is betrayal. It may be expressed in different ways, but the essence remains the same: you conclude that you cannot rely on your friend.

A quarrel with a friend is not always a showdown in a raised voice. Sometimes people simply stop communicating, sometimes they leave the appearance of friendly relations, but the former friendship no longer exists and never will. Friendship, like love, is daily work. It is based on mutual respect and trust. If there is neither one nor the other, this is an illusion of friendship, and not everyone likes living in an imaginary world.

Friendship is a close relationship based on mutual assistance, affection, common interests, tastes, views, and life goals. This is an active interest in each other. It is difficult to live in the world without friends these days.

At all times, friendship was considered a great value. Among the Scythians, it was tested with blood. Friendship was secured by a special agreement and an oath: having cut their fingers, the brothers touched each other and thus united this blood. After that, nothing could separate them. In the Middle Ages, friendship was the embodiment of nobility and loyalty. Knightly morality placed male friendship even above love and family.

Society, friendship and brotherhood, based not on family ties, but on the kinship of thoughts, goals, and actions - this is a great strength. Friendship ennobles lives.

Everyone understands friendship in their own way. Most of you will agree with the opinion that happiness is when you are understood, and therefore everyone constantly strives to find a friend who would understand, listen and support, who would become your mirror or double, your second “I”. Friendship often helps a person change for the better; a friend should have a positive influence on the other.

However, conflicts often occur between friends. It is especially unpleasant if a quarrel has occurred. Breaking up a relationship with a close friend is not easy to survive, and making peace with him can sometimes be very difficult. In this case, you need to decide what you will do next - come to terms with the loss of your friend or try to regain his affection. This can be done using several steps:

Determine the true cause of the quarrel

Perhaps you have somehow (even unconsciously) offended your friend. If in a relationship you are too focused on yourself and do not give your friend the attention and support he deserves, this could very well cause a quarrel. Or maybe the quarrel occurred because of your unwillingness to take into account the opinion of your friend. Try to discuss the current situation with him and agree not to repeat your mistakes in the future.

Give each other time to think about the situation

If your friend is adamant about getting back together with you, wait a couple of weeks and then try again. Ask for forgiveness, explain to your friend how much you miss him. Perhaps during this time he himself managed to miss you.

Manage to end the relationship with dignity

If your ex-friend is still determined to stop communicating, then you should think: perhaps your relationship has really exhausted itself? After all, if a person whom you considered close is not ready to meet you halfway, does not feel the need for your company, then he was not a true friend to you. Try to end this relationship in a good way and find yourself a new, truly faithful friend.

To make it easier to come to terms with a breakup, psychologists in such cases advise a few simple steps:

First of all, don't panic. Just because there was a misunderstanding between you does not mean that your friendship was not real. Do not make premature conclusions that the world is cruel and unfair.
Don't even think about taking revenge. After this you will not be able to respect yourself.
Don't be afraid to be alone, this is a temporary condition.
Never idealize people again, learn to perceive them with all their weaknesses and shortcomings.
Do not discuss your ex-friend with others - this will show you as an unprincipled talker.