We found happiness in a new family. Happy in the new family. "You don't have to believe in change"

Orphans living in an orphanage or orphanage have to move from the conditions to which they are accustomed to others, in particular, to a new family. Statistics show that 60–70% of children deprived of parental care are placed in families of both Russian and foreign citizens. Employees of children's institutions (orphanage, shelter, hospital, orphanage) constantly observe how the child experiences changes in the already established way of life.

In order to understand the adaptation process, you need to imagine that you were suddenly moved to a new completely unfamiliar place, and this happened against your desire and without prior preparation. What will you experience? Your state will probably be close to shock and you will be confused.

The duration of this moment depends on the characteristics of your psychotype or the characteristics of the nervous system. Someone, looking around, will try to hide in a secluded place and from there examine an unfamiliar place, while someone, on the contrary, will begin to be active and fuss. Behavior options can vary: from the desire to run away and return to their original place to stupor. When the state of shock passes, you will probably begin to look around you, notice what and who is next to you, and make attempts to get used to the new place. If there are people nearby, contact them with questions. You will be interested in the surrounding objects and things that you will begin to touch, explore, and act depending on the current situation.

Further adaptation to life in a new place will depend on your experience, skills, knowledge, desire to live in this place, and on how your needs will be met. The process of getting used to the changed conditions will be influenced by the people who are nearby, their support and help, their cordiality or hostility towards you.
Finding themselves in new conditions, the adopted child and his new parents will experience approximately the same conditions, which are called adaptation - the process of getting used to, getting used to, people getting used to each other, to changed conditions, circumstances.
Every person has had to experience what adaptation is more than once in their life (when getting married, when changing place of residence, changing place of work, etc.).

Adaptation in a new family is a two-way process, since both the child who finds himself in a new environment and the adults have to get used to each other to the changed conditions.
Think about who is easier to adapt: ​​the one who remained in a familiar environment, or the one who found himself in new conditions?

Features of children's adaptation to new conditions

Adaptation occurs differently for different children. Here a lot depends on the age of the child and on his character traits. Past life experience plays a big role. If the child lived in a family before adoption, there will be the same problems. A child who has lived his short life in an orphanage and then in an orphanage will react differently to new conditions. Everyone’s first reactions and well-being will be different. Someone will be in an elevated, excited state and strive to look at everything, touch it, and if someone is nearby, ask to show it and tell them about what is around them. Under the influence of new impressions, overexcitement, fussiness, and a desire to frolic may occur. And someone in a new environment will be scared, will cling to an adult, trying to shield (protect themselves) from the surging stream of impressions. Someone will quickly glance at objects and things, fearing to touch them. Having received one thing from the hands of an adult, he will press it to himself or hide it in a secluded place, for fear of losing it.

How can you make sure that when your child crosses the threshold of your home, he wants to stay there?

First of all, you need to make sure that nothing frightens the child, causes negative emotions or alerts him. It could be an unusual smell in the apartment, or a pet that you are used to, but the child has never seen. The child may be frightened of the elevator and refuse to take it, etc.
I once witnessed a two-year-old girl cry as soon as the driver started the car, and did not calm down the whole way home. The crying died down when the car stopped and intensified when it started moving. The child was in the orphanage from birth, and he was taken by car only once - to the hospital for tests.

Most likely, the child’s reaction to family members will be different. Someone will not give preference to anyone and will treat both dad and mom the same. Most often, the child first gives preference to one person. Some will prefer dad and will pay little attention to mom, while others, on the contrary, will cling to a woman out of habit, and some will be drawn to grandma. Why this happens can be difficult for an adult to understand, and children cannot explain their feelings. Perhaps he liked the external signs (smile, eyes, hairstyle, clothes), or the woman’s appearance reminded her of a nanny from an orphanage. The attention of the curious will focus on the man because he lacked male care in the orphanage, and with such preference he makes up for the resulting deficit. And for some, during their stay in the institution, women have become more familiar and closer, while men are frightening.

But despite these differences, some general patterns can be noted in the behavior of children. The child's behavior and well-being do not remain constant; it changes over time as he gets accustomed to the new environment. As psychologists note, there are several stages when a child adapts to new conditions.

The first stage can be described as “Acquaintance”, or “Honeymoon”. Here there is an anticipatory attachment to each other. Parents want to warm the child, to give him all the accumulated need for love. The child experiences pleasure from his new position, he is ready for life in the family. He happily does everything that adults suggest. Many children immediately begin to call adults dad and mom. But this does not mean at all that they have already fallen in love - they only want to fall in love with their new parents.

You will notice that the child experiences both joy and anxiety at the same time. This leads many children into a feverishly excited state. They are fussy, restless, cannot concentrate on something for a long time, and grab onto a lot. Please note: during this period, many new people appear in front of the child, whom he is not able to remember. Don’t be surprised that sometimes he can forget where dad and mom are, doesn’t immediately say what their names are, confuses names, family relationships, asks “what’s your name”, “what is this” many times. And this is not because he has a bad memory or is not smart enough. This happens either because his brain is not yet able to remember and assimilate the mass of new impressions that has befallen him, or because he really needs to communicate once again, to confirm that these are indeed his new parents. And at the same time, quite often, completely unexpectedly and, it would seem, at the wrong time, children remember their biological parents, episodes, facts from their previous life, and begin to spontaneously share their impressions. But if you specifically ask about their former life, some children refuse to answer or are reluctant to speak. This does not indicate poor memory, but is explained by the abundance of impressions that the child is not able to assimilate.

This is how adoptive parents describe the state of their children and their own experiences at this stage.

“The happiness that came into the house with the adopted child. I’m a new mother and the main thing is probably still to come, but honestly! — the last few days I’ve been walking around with the thought pulsating in my head: “So this is what Happiness is!” And this is me, who even before this was not crushed by life: a beloved husband, an adored job, amazing friends, numerous trips around the country, around the world... And I experience the peak of this Happiness when I see my husband with tears in his eyes, fiddling with our A mixer (this, excuse me, is our Yulia: with her mobility, which intensifies in moments of joy, which, in turn, simply overwhelms her almost every minute, simply begs for such a comparison) or teaching our little boletus farmer Leshka to pull himself up on his hands... We are so we all love each other! And it’s so scary to lose all this... No, we don’t caress each other, we don’t lisp and cry on each other’s shoulders with emotion - we live! And sometimes we’ll quarrel with Leshka, who always gets into all the holes, and we’ll freak out: “Well, where is the remote control again (telephone, floppy disk, pen, spoon, etc., etc.),” and then we’ll all go crazy together, throwing all sorts of objects at each other (crumb cubes are super suitable for this) And - honestly! - From time to time I completely forget that children were not born by us. Sometimes (well, this happens, but very rarely) the conversation will come up about how “wow, poor kids, they were left orphans...”, and I sit and rack my brain: who is this about?! And then - God, this is about mine - and I giggle quietly: wow, poor people..."

Families are faced with adoption challenges that are often very different from what they expected. Some adoptive parents begin to feel helpless or saddened by the fact that they have a child in their family that is completely different from what they imagined.

“It would seem that the adoption has taken place, a good deed has been done, hurray! It wasn’t like that! In the first days, I sinfully often had the thought that the child was worse off with me than before, otherwise why would he throw tantrums. I deprived him of his usual environment, patterns of behavior, forced him to change, raised my voice, spanked him (I confess, this happened too). I get tired of him, unlike the teachers who work every other day for three days and are more patient with the children. I feed him worse, otherwise why does he eat so selectively, very little and dry food, hardly agrees to go to bed for a quiet hour, rejects any offers. If a firmer “no” is heard, then he throws hysterics, spits, shows figs, sits on the floor, sways and hits the back of his head against the wall. It seemed to me that I couldn’t control the situation, I gave up, I didn’t know what to do. It seemed that it would always be like this, and that instead of giving a happy childhood to an orphan, I ruined the lives of all my relatives. And the orphan, it turns out, doesn’t need everything I wanted to offer him, because he has his own life, his own priorities and needs that I am unable to satisfy. Instead of affection, he has pinches and bites; instead of communication, he has mooing and sharp gestures. How can you love a child who does not know how to love? He rejects everything I wanted to do for him, he even told me that I am not a mother. Fortunately, I was not alone. My mother periodically replaced me and with fresh strength, casually and playfully, managed to relieve the tension.”

Adults really want the addiction process to go as smoothly as possible. In reality, in every new family there are periods of doubt, ups and downs, worries and worries. We have to change the original plans to one degree or another. No one can predict in advance what surprises may arise.

The second stage can be defined as “Return to the past”, or “Regression”. The first impressions have subsided, the euphoria has passed, a certain order has been established, and a painstaking and lengthy process of getting used to and getting used to by family members begins - mutual adaptation. The child understands that these are different people, there are different rules in the family. He may not immediately adapt to a new relationship. He obeyed the rules almost unquestioningly while it was new. But now the novelty has disappeared, and he tries to behave as before, taking a closer look at what others like and don’t like. A very painful breaking of the existing stereotype of behavior occurs.

Here’s what the situation looked like in the last example a month later: “The boy is settling in well, we are trying to make it easier for him to transition from his old habits to new ones. He has developed neatness skills, he knows and knows a lot about children's games, and he does not fight. But we had problems with food almost from the first days. The DR told me, and I also read in the medical record, that the boy’s appetite was good. But when he started coming home to visit, I didn’t feed him, but fed him sweets (cookies, fruits, juices, candies). I'm afraid this has given him the wrong idea that this is what he should eat at home. For a month now he has not eaten normally (soup, porridge, noodles, mashed potatoes, cutlets, fish, etc., which is what we eat). He also refuses milk, kefir, cottage cheese, even sweets. Eats cheese, black bread, crackers. This is what makes him “alive.” He grew by 1.5 cm and lost weight. Often asks for sweets. His lunch consists of bread and cheese, and then candy for dessert.

For an afternoon snack - cookies and juice. Eats a lot of fruit. However, in recent days he began to demand exclusively sweets. Since it was his birthday, we let him eat as much as he wanted, in the hope that he would get a stomach ache and understand that it was wrong. His stomach, of course, did not hurt, but the problem remains. He sees that we all eat differently, and his two-year-old brother eats with appetite and normally, at the same table with him. He tastes our food with his tongue, but never swallows a spoon."

As psychologists note, at this stage children may experience symptoms such as: fixation on cleanliness, neatness or, conversely, dirt and untidiness; feelings of helplessness or dependence; excessive concern about your health, exaggerated complaints, increased sensitivity, refusal of new things, inexplicable attacks of anger, crying, fatigue or anxiety, signs of depression, etc.

During these months, psychological barriers are often discovered: incompatibility of temperaments, character traits, your habits and the habits of the child.

Children raised in orphanages develop their own ideal of a family during their stay there; each one lives with the expectation of a father and mother. This ideal is associated with a feeling of celebration, walks, and games. Adults, busy with everyday problems, do not find time for the child, leaving him alone with himself, considering him big (“Go, play, do something…”). Or they overprotect the child, controlling his every step.

Many adults faced with these problems do not have enough strength, and most importantly, the patience to wait until the child does what they need. Particularly evident during this period are: the lack of knowledge about the characteristics of age, the ability to establish contact, trusting relationships and choose the desired communication style. Attempts to rely on their life experience, on the fact that they were raised this way, often fail.

This story from the adoptive mother clearly shows that adults who are not familiar with the peculiarities of age experience enormous difficulties: “I cannot stand still for more than five minutes waiting for Grisha to pay attention to my calls and move in the right direction. I can’t watch him put everything in his mouth: a shoe, cream, a computer mouse, a massage brush, keys, a potty, a brush in the toilet. If I wince and say something like “Ugh, kaka!”, he laughs and puts it in his mouth with even more enthusiasm. I take it away and give it something else, something clean, also straight into my mouth. I put him on the potty - he turns his head, I don’t want to. I get up, put on my pants, 15-20 seconds pass, and he starts writing, smiling sweetly: “Kha-a-a.” All the time he asks: “Give me!” If he has a spoon, then he needs a second, a third... If I say “I won’t give it,” he will ask until you give it. I don’t have enough patience, sometimes the thought arises: “Am I worthy of raising this boy? When my daughter was born, this was not the case.”

There is a difference in views on parental upbringing, the influence of authoritarian pedagogy, the desire for an abstract ideal, inflated or, conversely, underestimated demands on the child. The process of education is seen as the correction of congenital deficiencies. The joy of communication and the naturalness of relationships disappears. There may be a desire to subjugate the child to yourself, to your power. Instead of natural acceptance of the child, his merits are downplayed. Instead of a sensitive response to the slightest achievements of the child, comparisons with peers begin, which are often not in favor of the adopted child.

Sometimes during this period the child regresses in his behavior to a level that is not appropriate for his age. Some become too demanding and capricious, preferring to play with younger children and dominate them. Others show hostility towards their new surroundings. Some children may have unexplained episodes of anger, crying, fatigue or anxiety. There is a return of enuresis and bad habits.

Feeling a victim of circumstances leads the child to believe that adults do not care about him, and he may want to leave home. Some children are afraid of being deceived and returned to the orphanage, and therefore they refuse to leave their new home. Some children are afraid to stay in the house without new parents for a long time; they do not let them go for a minute, fearing that they will leave and not return.
Having become accustomed to new conditions, the child begins to look for a line of behavior that would satisfy the adoptive parents. This search is not always successful. To attract attention, a child may change behavior in unexpected ways. Therefore, it should not surprise you that a cheerful, active child suddenly becomes capricious, cries often and for a long time, starts fighting with his parents or with his brother or sister (if he has one), and does things that he doesn’t like out of spite. And a gloomy, withdrawn person - to show interest in his surroundings, especially when no one is watching him, acts on the sly or becomes unusually active.

Parents who are not prepared for this may experience fear and shock. “We wish him well, but he... We love him so much, but he doesn’t appreciate us,” are the usual complaints for this period. Some are overcome by despair: “Will it always be like this?!” “Seditious” thoughts may also appear: “Why did we even need him, this child? How quiet and calm it was together... Or maybe return him to where they took him from, because he is already accustomed to that way of life, to children? Justifying themselves, parents begin to look for shortcomings in the child caused by “flawed” heredity: poor memory, slow thinking, too mobile and similar defects, not suspecting that many developmental deficiencies are caused not by hereditary factors, but by the child’s social neglect, and with good family care, care and patience disappear without a trace. Unfortunately, there are families who see a way out of the current situation in divorce: “You wanted (wanted), so you bring it up!” This is just a small list of problems that may arise in families who decide to take in someone else’s child or a new wife or husband who has adopted a child.

Successful overcoming of the difficulties of this adaptation period is evidenced by a change in the child’s appearance: the expression and color of the face changes, it becomes more meaningful, a smile and laughter appear more often. The child becomes lively, more responsive, and “blooms.” It has been repeatedly noted that after a successful adoption, children begin to grow “new” hair (from dull it becomes shiny), many allergic phenomena disappear, enuresis stops, and weight gain is obvious.

Let us turn again to the letters of the adoptive parents. “He started eating, he had familiar places, playgrounds, and a daily routine. I began to speak much better, began to leaf through books longer. I started asking to go to the toilet more often (before that I went no more than 4 times a day). And this evening I noticed the song “Mama for a Baby Mammoth,” which we have on the cassette among other songs, and asked to play it again. This didn't happen with other songs. It seems to smell like happiness.”

“Grishunya learned to kiss. He folds his lips like a duck's beak and reaches out towards him. Sometimes he says “Yes” rather than “No” and shakes his head. Moreover, this “yes” is very conscious. Almost mastered the spoon. He clearly pronounces “mom” and “dad”. Yesterday I cried for the first time when I was leaving.”

The third stage is “Habituation”, or “Slow Recovery”. You may notice that the child has suddenly matured. If before he was attracted to kids, he leaves their games and chooses companies close to his age. Tension disappears, children begin to joke and discuss their problems and difficulties with adults. The child gets used to the rules of behavior in the family and in the child care facility. He begins to behave as naturally as his own child behaves in his blood family. The child takes an active part in all family affairs. Without tension, he remembers his past life. Behavior corresponds to character traits and is completely adequate to situations.
He feels free, becomes more independent and self-reliant. Many children even change their appearance, their eyes become more expressive. They become more emotional; those who are disinhibited are more restrained, and those who are tense are more open. This is a form of showing gratitude to the parents who accepted him into their family.

Having adapted to new conditions, children are less likely to remember the past. If a child feels good in the family, he almost does not talk about the previous way of life, having appreciated the advantages of the family, he does not want to return to it. Preschool children can ask adults where they have been for so long, why did they look for him for so long? If a child feels good about himself, attachment to his parents and reciprocal feelings arise. He easily follows the rules and responds correctly to requests. Shows attention and interest in all family matters, participating as much as possible in everything. He himself notes the changes occurring in himself, recalls his bad behavior (if it happened) not without irony, sympathizes and empathizes with his parents. Children and parents live the life of an ordinary normal family, unless the parents are afraid of burdened heredity and are ready to adequately perceive the age-related changes occurring in the child.

This is how an adoptive parent with more than 2 months of experience responds to one of the previous letters. “It just takes time. A little more time. Don’t pester your son: firstly, his age won’t last long, and secondly, the stress will soon pass. Don’t be offended by him - try to treat him with humor and turn it into a game and a joke. The daughter was terribly capricious at this time. I always tried to help her in her whims, because I saw that she understood that she was wrong, but she couldn’t help herself. And I sympathized with her, I really understood that she was good - very good - but some kind of whim appeared. And she never got hung up on the conflict, she tried to end it right away, i.e. she agreed to wear what she wanted, etc. Then everything went away and, by the way, the daughter became just golden: not only no, but absolutely no whims . And it even got to the point of funny. We come to the store to buy toys (we really loved coming to Children's World). We choose toys, walk through the departments (we loved this business), then I notice that I choose all the toys, and the children follow me with a contented look. I tell them: “Children, we came for toys for you. Maybe you will still choose something for yourself? Choose." And they answer me: “What are you, what are you, mommy, whatever you choose is good!” Here you go! And to no avail: they refused to choose for themselves - and no matter how much they persuaded... That is, they were 100% sure that mom would choose what she needed. I was always on their side on all issues, and they probably already perceived me as an equal member of their team.”

Foster (adopted) children in their behavior no longer differ from a child raised by biological parents. If problems appear, they usually reflect the crisis stages of age-related development that every child goes through.

If the parents were unable to find a way to the child’s heart and establish a trusting relationship, then previous personality shortcomings (aggressiveness, isolation, disinhibition) or unhealthy habits (theft, smoking, the desire to wander) are aggravated, as well as what we have already noted above: vindictiveness or demonstration of helplessness, demand for excessive attention or stubbornness, negativism. That is, each child seeks his own way of protection from adverse external influences.

I will not forget five-year-old Slava, who ended up in a family where, besides him, there were three more sons and an adopted girl. An obedient and moderately active boy in the orphanage got along well with children, the doctors did not note any neurotic reactions. The first two weeks in the family he was quieter than water, lower than the grass. Having gotten used to it, he began to bully his brother, then take out his grievances on the girl. The adults, unable to bear it any longer, began to punish him by using time-outs. While alone, the boy urinated and defecated around himself. At night he became restless, got up and either walked aimlessly around the rooms or did small nasty things to other children. The parents had to seek help from a psychotherapist. The child was admitted to the hospital for a month, and the parents were advised to change their attitude towards the child, otherwise they would have to cancel the adoption.

The next crisis may occur in adolescence. In the first half of adolescence, identity is being formed; he strives for independence and emancipation.

Adaptation of adoptive parents

So, a new child entered the family. Before his appearance, adults were confident in themselves, that they were ready to solve all problems, and were ready to love the child as he would be. Illusions and some euphoria, confidence that there is enough strength to overcome all obstacles and overcome difficulties are typical states that characterize most new parents. Almost everyone is confident in their educational abilities and that they can successfully use these abilities for the benefit of someone else's child. This is especially true for those parents who were successful in raising their own children and were able to create an atmosphere of warmth and love in their family. But the birth of someone else’s child is a serious test for the whole family. After all, foster parents have no holidays or vacations; they cannot rest and relax at home. In addition, when a new family member appears, the family balance is disrupted, which is often quite fragile. This happens even when your own child is born. What can we say when an unfamiliar child appears in the family, with a rather complex fate and difficult character.

Therefore, after about a month, the family picture changes somewhat. In response to the question: “How different is the actual situation from the expected one?” Most adoptive mothers express explicit or implicit dissatisfaction with their new role. Negative emotions are mainly associated with an increase in the amount of housework, the expenditure of additional effort, energy and time, and the occurrence of unforeseen situations that affect the smooth functioning of the family.

Many mothers who have had their own children are upset that the new child is different from their own children, that different disciplinary measures must be applied to him, and new ways of influence must be sought. They don’t like much about the children’s behavior; they are shocked by their behavior (throwing things around, lack of hygiene skills, lack of food culture). In those families where they have their own children, it is discovered that they cannot treat the child in the same way as their own. They are forced to make concessions to him, feel sorry for him and indulge his whims. Here is a statement from one of the women: “I try not to make obvious concessions to him, but I have to feel sorry for him, because it is just as difficult for him to get used to us as it is for us to get used to him. Maybe I spoil him because sometimes I “don’t notice” things that I would never let my children know.” Realizing that the adopted child is not at all like their own children, parents try to do the maximum possible for the benefit of him and the whole family.

But so far, a very small proportion of adoptive mothers express disappointment in their new role. And, although they emphasize the increasing load, they are not going to “give up” yet. On the contrary, they are ready to continue their hard work and are optimistic about the future.

Basically, after the first month of living together, mothers express a positive attitude towards the current situation, but about half note that getting used to it was not easy.
After three months, many adoptive parents begin to feel more confident and comfortable, they evaluate their experience positively and define the family environment as “very good.” They are more confident in their abilities, they managed to find their own ways of trusting communication with their adopted child. Significant changes in the child for the better are also noted.
But there are families in which the relationship with the child has not changed for the better. They experience disappointment in the child and in their abilities; awareness of one's own failure is accompanied by the mother's stressful state.

The arrival of a new child has a negative impact on relationships between family members. For example, a child gets on her husband’s nerves and he refuses to have any relationship with him. The child may be selective, giving preference to one family member, for example, the father, rejecting the mother. An adopted child can have a negative impact on existing children in the family or contribute to the emergence of conflictual relationships between children (jealousy, rivalry). Especially many problems arise where the adopted child is older than their own. “I hoped that he would be a big brother for the kids, but he terrorizes them,” says one of the mothers.

In general, after 3 months of the existence of such a family, a rather contradictory picture emerges. Mothers are still enthusiastic and feel some satisfaction in their new role. Fathers are less optimistic, which is explained by the different roles of parents in family life.
The 6-month period is decisive in the life of families. Satisfaction with the new role largely depends on how much adults were able to understand and accept the child. After 6 months, many parents feel much less optimistic and note that it has become more difficult for them than in the first days.

Their satisfaction with their actions is much less than before. This phenomenon is called the “honeymoon effect.” At first it seems that the child is getting used to the new environment very well, agrees with everything, and does what is expected of him. And suddenly he ceases to be absolutely obedient, increasingly expresses his own views and begins to make his own demands. This indicates that he begins to feel comfortable in the foster family and becomes himself. Even if adoptive parents understand how important and significant the changes taking place in the child are, this does not make it easier for them to cope with new and new difficulties. They are now much less likely to report positive changes and much more likely to report worsening behavior, and they are less confident and satisfied than before.

Optimism decreases because most parents begin to understand the seriousness and depth of children's problems, as well as the complexity and not always effective results of their attempts to change the child's behavior for the better. As they get to know the child better, they become more aware of how previous life experiences have influenced him. It is at this moment that the help of a specialist is important.

At the same time, they become more and more attached to the child and, naturally, want a response from him. Parents expect gratitude and appreciation from their child for their “heroic efforts,” but their expectations are often in vain. And therefore, support and gratitude from others (social workers, teachers, educators, relatives) is very important here. They must note changes in the child for the better and show how the child benefited from staying in this family. The child has become more protected, his performance has improved (listing the child’s successes), he has become calmer, more balanced, has gained weight, etc.

Parents' disappointment does not mean that they have done a bad job or are not coping well with their responsibilities. During this period, parents most need: advice and recommendations on how to cope with the child’s behavior; in explaining the reasons for the child’s behavior; in encouragement and support (most).

An important stage in the life of a family is the first anniversary of its creation.

Most foster families begin their activities with full confidence that they can make the child happy. They believe that under their influence the child will change for the better, but when changes do not come as quickly as they would like, they are lost and need support and explanations. They must understand that such slow and not very obvious progress is a completely natural phenomenon, that there is nothing terrible in the fact that they will not always be able to resolve conflicts and cope with difficulties on their own.

If it seems to parents that their child has become better behaved, and that they were really able to help him, then this naturally causes a feeling of satisfaction. “When, after all the difficulties, you see faint glimmers of understanding or expressions of gratitude, or some tiny changes for the better, you just feel in seventh heaven,” this is how one of the fathers describes his feelings.
If parents consider their child still difficult and do not see changes for the better, then, based on the theory of balance, they feel dissatisfied, because they find themselves in a situation where enormous effort has been invested and no return is visible. In order for them to continue their “thankless work,” they absolutely need outside help.

During this period, a significantly larger number of mothers and fathers express satisfaction with the situation in the family and their role. It seems that they are fulfilling their role as parents much more confidently than 6 months ago. “Things are going much better - I couldn’t even dream of this 6 months ago. I just began to understand her. And together we can solve the problems that confront us,” this is the assessment of the situation by one of the mothers. As can be seen from this statement, they are more tolerant of the child’s problems. These problems no longer puzzle or upset them too much.
After a year and a half, we can say that families that have “held out” for such a long time will be able to exist indefinitely. Parents are satisfied with their role and the situation in the home; many are satisfied that the child has settled well into the family.

But even very successful parents need encouragement and return on their efforts. This “giving” could be a feeling of love expressed by a child; the child’s happiness and his desire to live in this house; confidence that they have done everything necessary to help the child.
So, building any relationship takes time, and that's completely normal.
Joint activities, games, conversations; giving the child the opportunity to express what is not in his heart; understanding his problems and insight into his interests; help and support if the child is upset, care and concern if he is sick... All this over time will certainly create emotional closeness between the new parents and the adopted child.

Galina S. Krasnitskaya, candidate of pedagogical sciences, consultant on family placement of children

Tamara Vitalievna: It was 2002... “Mom, can I go to Kyiv for a few days?” - Vera asked me. - “Okay, daughter.” I didn’t ask where, why, why. I don't know mothers who don't worry about their children. And I was worried. But she understood: it means it’s necessary, Vera is definitely not going to do something stupid or just have fun. A few days later she called: “Mom, are you sitting or standing? I passed the casting at VIA Gro. Vera was accepted into the group for a trial period, until the New Year. "Hooray! Wow!" - my youngest daughters, twins Vika and Nastya, screamed. At that time I knew little about this group. But it became clear: that’s it, another daughter of mine is leaving her parents’ home. “Mom, mom, why are you silent?” - Vera shouted into the phone. And I lost my breath - from excitement... I handed the phone to Nastya and Vika, who immediately began asking my sister for details. But I knew that sooner or later this day would come. When Vera was probably sixteen years old, I myself told her: “Daughter, you are so smart, such a beauty, the whole world should definitely know about you.”

- Vera is a popular artist. Another of your daughters, Vika, is your wife Alexandra Tsekalo. Tamara Vitalievna, did something foreshadow such turns of fate in your family?

I myself sometimes wonder how it happened that two of my four daughters became the people they write and talk about. I don’t know... But I always wanted for each of them what was closer to their character. For example, I always told my eldest, Gala, how nice it would be for her to live abroad. She ended up getting married in Greece and lives there. One of these days, by the way, I’m going to visit Gala. For Vera, I wanted to be the center of attention, to be admired. And she said to the twins: “How I would like, daughters, for you to get married successfully.” And so it happened. Nastya’s husband is her first and only love, they have been together for many years. Vika also has a very good family: her husband Sasha Tsekalo, two wonderful children. All my children have found their happiness in love, in family, in the profession that is closest to them. I don’t understand how this happened, it’s a mystery to me. After all, we are the most ordinary family, of which there are so many in this world...

- When you got married, did you imagine that you would be a mother of many children?

What are you talking about?! My husband and I didn’t have our own home for a long time; we rented a winter kitchen from a woman in the private sector. Galochka grew up there, Verochka was brought there from the maternity hospital. But since my husband worked at a factory in Dneprodzerzhinsk and was a deputy in the district council, we were soon given an apartment in a family hostel. True, we had to build it ourselves. I remember how on weekends we took our daughters to our mother-in-law, and we ourselves lifted tiles and cement to the upper floors in order to quickly complete the repairs and celebrate the housewarming. Of course, when housing became easier, my husband immediately wanted a son. Therefore, there is a five-year difference between Galya and Vera, and only two years between Verochka and the twins. Although my husband dreamed of a son, I must admit, I always had a craving for girls. This probably overpowered me, although at the ultrasound everyone said that it would be a boy, and a very large one at that. The fact that I have two daughters became known directly during the birth. I gave birth to one girl, and they left me alone. But I see that my stomach has not shrunk. I started asking what was going on...

The doctors, by the way, were very surprised when the second one was born. (Laughs.) It’s good that my husband was at work at the time. I was worried at first. Well, I think he definitely won’t take me away from the maternity hospital. Girls, and two more, there will be so much more worries! But I worried in vain. My husband came to the maternity hospital after work and began singing under the windows with joy. The only argument I had with him was when we were deciding what to name the twins. I liked the names Valeria and Anastasia, my husband agreed with Nastya, but did not approve of the second name. They named him Victoria, in his honor, because he is Victor.

- Who was Vera named after?

That's her grandmother's name. The two Faiths dote on each other. I also really liked the name, although there was an option to call it Veronica. But then they thought it would be bad if there was a split: either Vera or Nika. The girls, by the way, while they were little, came up with new names for themselves. They’ll come running from school: “Ma, today I’m Larisa. And I’m Lena!” We called Vera in all sorts of ways: Verunya, Verochka, Verusha. And she herself, when she was little, suddenly said: “My name is Ilya.” And so it went: Ilyusha and Ilyusha. I have it written down like this on my phone. My husband once saw: “What kind of Ilyusha is this?” I had to call Vera so that he could hear who it was. It turns out that he never heard us joke about this topic.

- Were you and your daughters strict?

Differently. I remember that I constantly demanded that they keep their rooms in order. They didn’t always like it, but now all four of them are clean, everything in their houses is shiny, every thing is in place. If they were punished for something, then all of them at once, so that there would be no conversations: “But you love her more, and me less.” Since there is one family, then everyone needs to keep an answer so that they can be more friendly. But our daughters are understanding, they didn’t upset us once again, on the contrary, they tried to help. They saw how hard my father and I work. Then everyone lived poorly, and times were hard, you get a salary, but try to buy something with it to feed six people. The shops were empty, so every day they invented something in the kitchen to make it not only satisfying and tasty, but also creative.

- Did your daughters help you cook?

In any case, making dumplings always helped. Because no one liked store-bought dumplings, and everyone demanded homemade ones, and dumplings too. And so we all sat down and, as best we could, sculpted 300-400 pieces. As a result, Vera can now make first-class dumplings. On holidays, chicken legs were stuffed and pies were baked with various fillings.

- Did you also manage to organize holidays?

But of course! We had a tradition: on our daughters’ birthdays, three times a year, we always have a house full of guests. Relatives, godmothers, all with children gathered at one table. We already lived in a four-room apartment then, there was enough space for everyone. Sometimes, when guests came and we stayed up late, we could let both girls and boys spend the night at our place. Teenagers are different, of course, but I always trusted my girls. We had a set time for them to return home. If the girls weren’t home at nine in the evening, then the next day I didn’t let them go out at all. What could be worse? There were no computers, no Internet, nothing interesting was shown on TV. Stay locked up all evening when your peers invite you to go out...

Therefore, everyone returned home in a disciplined manner on time, almost always. With each class I added half an hour to an hour and allowed me to come as early as ten or even eleven in the evening. It would be strange to drive the children home at 21 o'clock if at that time the dancing was just starting at the disco on weekends. As time changes, so do attitudes. And in the event of any showdowns or conflicts, the girls stuck together and stood by each other like a mountain.

- Vera, by the way, said that she had to fight at school.

In principle, I was almost always aware of all school misunderstandings and conflicts. We had this habit: no matter how tired we were during the day, in the evening we would climb up onto the sofa with our feet up and tell them what happened that day. The younger ones were the first to start boasting: “But Vera is a great guy, she gave them back, she stood up for us.” Of course, I tried to figure it out, conduct a debriefing, why this situation had arisen, who was to blame, and how I could get out of it. The girls trusted me very much. True, as it turned out later, they didn’t tell everything, they didn’t want to scare. Only now, years later, I found out that once on a bet Vera stood on the railing of the 14th floor, someone decided to test her for “weakness”...

It's surprising that I didn't feel it then. I have a very highly developed intuition. This is inherent in my sign Gemini. If only I could understand my premonitions... One day, the whole family, including Vera, were vacationing in Bukovel, in the Carpathians. And I couldn’t understand what was happening to me. Places of incredible beauty, the weather was amazing, everything seemed fine, but there was always some kind of anxiety. For three days I walked and peered into the mountains, sensing trouble. She even sniffed the air, trying to understand which side, where to expect misfortune from. The heart did not deceive us: Vera then fell on her skis, and she had a very serious injury. If only I could understand and warn her! But we don’t always pay attention to the signs in life...

- But your intuition did not deceive you with Vera’s brilliant future. But I’m sure you were still worried about her when she got to VIA Gro.

I think she was more worried about us then. After all, her eldest daughter Sonechka was very young and stayed with us. And I was still working then, so it wasn’t easy for us. Nastya and Vika stayed with Sonya on weekends, and on weekdays we took Sonyasha to a kindergarten near the house. At first, Vera tried to come home often, at least for a day or two, but then she said that there were more and more concerts and it was hard for her without rest. Therefore, we began to go to her in Kyiv. I remember the first time I got into her rented apartment and saw an empty refrigerator, in which there was only celery...

The husband looked after her and talked about what he loved. For the first time, the girl saw a young man in a rage at a wedding.

He got jealous of her guy from Poland and got into a fight with him. Oksana couldn’t even think that this was just the beginning of a hard life with a tyrant.

When we began to live together, quarrels began, which escalated into scandals with the use of force. My husband was jealous of anyone who simply smiled on the street. They might have suddenly returned from work to check if I was hiding someone in the house. I ran from room to room, checking closets, hoping to find someone. He said: “You wanted to run away from me with this Pole!”

The man was not stopped by his wife's pregnancy.

When I gave birth, he also said that a child is not a hindrance to partying. He shouted and continued to organize raids and checks.

Oksana called her family and tried to tell her about her trouble, but her husband constantly listened to what she was saying. The girl could only answer “yes” or “no.” For a long time, relatives did not know anything and could not help in any way.

Photo source: pexels.com

After some time, she still managed to move in with her mother.

However, problems began there too. Oksana's mother suffered from alcoholism. I constantly organized get-togethers with so-called friends - drinking buddies.

Her daughter’s baby prevented her from enjoying a carefree life, and she periodically threw the baby’s diapers into the street. Oksana endured it for a while, and then moved into an apartment.

Separate housing did not protect Oksana from her husband

He found the girl everywhere and brought her back. The young mother could not work; she had a child in her arms.

Hoping that the situation would change at least a little, the girl returned. However, scenes of jealousy and constant beatings did not stop.

Oksana endured all this for three years, then filed for divorce.

The couple was divorced, but the young man still did not leave the girl alone.

He said that he would take his daughter if she did not return. He showered the little girl with gifts, saying that he wanted to be with her, but her mother was against it. The girl believed and asked Oksana to get back together with her father.

Photo source: pexels.com

"You don't have to believe in change»

The girl had nothing to pay the rent. There wasn't enough money. Oksana wanted her daughter to have normal housing and food. The ex-husband could provide this.

He said that he got a job on a collective farm as a machine operator. He told Oksana that they were giving a house to a young family there and offered to marry him again. For her, it was a way to provide a roof over her head and food for her child.

As soon as the young people moved in, the scandals resumed.

My husband continued to beat me, but in front of my daughter. He liked to pick me up, every time I fell, to say: “Get in line”! and keep hitting. It was scary. At first I screamed, called for help, then I began to remain silent.

But this also infuriated him. One day he didn't like my look. He said: “Why are you looking at me like that? I didn't understand. I say: “How”? "Like this! Go sit in the basement!”

After some time, Oksana learned that her husband was registered at a mental hospital. The girl contacted the police many times, but the authorities did not react in any way.

Having become pregnant with her second child, she decided not to have an abortion.

Nine months later, a boy was born. The birth was difficult, and the first months with the baby were also difficult.

My husband didn't help. After work I drank with friends. He accused the girl of sitting on his neck and doing nothing. At this moment Oksana decided to go to work.

There are no barriers for a loving man

The girl had almost come to terms with the situation in which she found herself. However, an incident changed the situation.

The brother of Oksana’s partner came to the village. He was 25 years old at that time. The same as Oksana.

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The man liked the girl and began to court her.

Oksana did not react at first, but then began to reciprocate. The guy was not afraid of the difficult life situation in which the girl found herself. He accepted her with all her experiences and problems.

When Oksana's husband found out about his wife's affair, he severely beat the guy. However, this did not break the young man. He did not give up on Oksana and offered to leave her husband and go with him. The girl agreed.

It seems that's it. You can breathe out and start a new life with your loved one.

But Oksana’s first husband did not allow her to do this. He took his daughter with him and began writing complaints to the guardianship authorities with a request to deprive the girl of parental rights.

Oksana and her second husband took out more than one loan to equip their home and create good conditions for their children. The trial lasted about a year. The girl was eventually returned to her mother.

The first husband was allowed to see the children on weekends. However, the man asked Oksana to pick them up during the school holidays, since he did not have the opportunity to come every weekend.

The husband began to take revenge and turn the children against their mother, so Oksana changed the schedule of meetings between the children and the father. And then they stopped altogether - Oksana’s first husband died of a cerebral hemorrhage. He was 31 years old.

Photo source: pexels.com

“You shouldn’t be afraid to talk about being beaten at home”

Oksana is doing well in her marriage to her second husband. He doesn’t say beautiful words, doesn’t give gifts or flowers, but the girl knows for sure that he loves her. She supports and helps in everything.

The second husband gave Oksana the opportunity to study.

Pregnant with her 3rd child, she entered the Belarusian State University named after Maxim Tank to become a teacher of Belarusian language and literature. The woman needed education in order to get a job in the new village:

You know, in my childhood I remember my mother being constantly drunk. We ate jacket potatoes because she didn’t cook anything else except them. There wasn't enough money, we were always in need.

When I grew up, I decided that my children would always be fed and clothed. And they will never eat jacket potatoes. So I try, I work, I want them to have everything.

Photo source: pexels.com

Now Oksana works as a social teacher at school, helping disadvantaged families.

She believes that women who suffer from domestic violence need to think first of all about their safety and the health of their children.

I didn’t think so and now I regret it. Don't be afraid to talk about being beaten at home. Be ashamed of the situation you find yourself in. Under no circumstances should your husband show your fear.

“Silence is a dead end.” Psychologist comments

Psychologist Anna Kharkevich believes that the problem of domestic violence is scary because of its “obscurity.” Women do not know their rights and have no idea about centers where they can get help.

The second thing to talk about is fear. Most women are ashamed of the situation they find themselves in. They are afraid of the condemnation of society and the fact that the husband will find out about the complaints.

Silence is a dead end.

Photo source: pexels.com

As soon as a person begins to behave inappropriately and show aggression, you need to look for the reason.

In this situation, the guy had a “naive” idea of ​​treason (unfounded jealousy) and a delusion of persecution. The girl made many mistakes that she could have avoided.

It was impossible to return in the hope that the situation would change. I found at least some kind of rear - I need to leave. Believing in change is pointless. If a man raised his hand once, he will do it a second time.

Elena Salapura

You can tell your family life story at myhistory@site

There are a lot of children living in orphanages and they are all very similar to each other. Because their eyes are filled with sadness, disappointment, loneliness, but also with the hope that someday mom and dad will come for them.

Every child deserves to be loved, to have a family and their own home where they are cared for. But unfortunately, this happiness awaits not many people at all, and the rest will grow up in orphanages.

Look at amazing examples of how much children have changed over time after finding their parents. Their faces became so joyful and content. They look happy and their eyes sparkle.

1. 8 months after the orphanage

2. This baby was taken 4 years ago

3. This little girl found her parents 8 years ago

4. After 2 years in a new family

5. She was taken from an orphanage 8 years ago

6. How this little girl has changed after 4 years!

7. 3 years after the orphanage

8. Happy with dad and mom for 7 years

9. After 3 months in a new family, he became more smiling

10. A completely different child after 10 months!

11. 4 years after the orphanage

12. They found a new family 7 years ago

We hope that every single child will find loving parents. The social project “Children's Question”, in which these children participated, shows: a family transforms a little person. You need so little to be happy...

The story of six-year-old Revda girl Katya shocked everyone three years ago. The drunk mother bit off the baby's nose and lower lip. Because she made it difficult to sleep with her crying. The girl was in very serious condition, and doctors and volunteers fought for her life for three years. And finally, good news - Katya flew on a special plane of the Ministry of Emergency Situations to Anapa, to a new good family.

Three years by hospital

Let us remind you that a terrible story happened in 2015. The mother injured the girl, and called an ambulance only a few days later. The situation was aggravated by the fact that Katya, in addition to a serious injury, had cerebral palsy, epilepsy and a number of other diseases. By the time Katya was admitted to the hospital, she could not take care of herself, walk, or even hold her head up on her own.

Revda’s caring mothers created an initiative help group on VKontakte, where they collected funds for treatment and shared all the current news about the girl’s condition. As a result, Katya’s mother was sent to a colony for four years, her father disappeared, her sister was sent to a foster family, and the girl herself was in a rehabilitation center.

In 2016, Katya was taken to Moscow, where she was treated for four months. The Moscow group “He Needs You,” which accompanied Katya in the capital, writes: “What kind of Moscow and federal hospitals did Katya not visit then, and what kind of highly paid specialists didn’t look at her! Epi-seizures brutally tormented the girl 24 hours a day, killing brain cells and taking away all the skills that Katyusha previously had. It was impossible to look at this without tears.... Then Dr. Zinenko, with some inner feeling, realized that it was not epi that caused such attacks, it was spasticity. And he performed an innovative operation on Katya - he installed a baclafen pump. She perfectly relieves spasticity, which in Katya’s case turned out to be vital... Katya’s twin sister had been in a foster family for a long time. And Katya... The chances of finding her mother were reduced to zero...”

We reached the Deputy Prime Minister

At the beginning of 2017, a woman from the Krasnodar Territory, Anna, contacted activists of the Revda initiative group to help Katya. She herself worked as a volunteer for many years, and this story touched her deeply.

“She came to us on her own.” At first I wrote SMS, messages on Vkontakte, and helped Katya financially,” recalls Yulia Shadrina, a representative of the initiative group. “Then they decided to take Katya. We spent a whole year trying to get permission to give the girl to a new family. There were great difficulties with care both here and in Anapa. Moscow helped us a lot; they finally gave us a positive conclusion in early February of this year. All that remains is to wait for the special flight from the Ministry of Emergency Situations.

Katya could only fly to Anapa on a special plane with medical equipment. There were no other options and there could not be. To pay for such a flight, millions of rubles were required. So we had to wait. Moscow volunteers even wrote a request to Deputy Prime Minister of the Russian Federation Olga Golodets. And it was this request, they say, that helped. The EMERCOM board took Katya to Anapa, to her new parents, on April 15 from Koltsovo airport. It was an ambulance flight, equipped with modern medical equipment to maintain life support for the child. The girl was accompanied by specialists from the state central airmobile rescue squad "Tsentrospas" of the Russian Ministry of Emergency Situations, the All-Russian Center for Disaster Medicine "Zashchita" and representatives of social services.

Revda doesn’t abandon his people

“This is a completely good, positive family,” says Yulia about Katya’s new parents. - They have two children. My son is 19 years old, my daughter is three years old. They live in the village, 30 kilometers from Anapa. They have 15 minutes from home to the Black Sea. We were in touch with them for a whole year. Anna came here twice. The first time I met Katya, the second time I filled out the documents.

In the group “He Needs You” they write: “The new mother spent several days with Katya and realized that this was her daughter. And if not her, then no one.”

Now Katya is already in the hospital with her new mother. She survived the flight well, but is now being monitored by doctors. But in a few days, volunteers believe, she will already be home.

Revda continues to monitor the fate of the little girl.

“This is not the end of our communication with Katya,” Yulia Shadrina assures. - This is a new stage. They searched for the parents for a whole year and found them. Now we will try to rehabilitate the girl, look for doctors, and help Anya. Nobody leaves Katya.

Thanks to everyone who helped!

In conclusion, I would like to once again turn to the message of the group “He Needs You”: “Katya suffered through this happiness, got sick, suffered... May your guardian angels be with you, may your new family give you childhood happiness, love and care that you deserve it for all your torment.” Thanks to everyone who helped Katya - Revda and Yekaterinburg activists Yulia Shadrina, Yulia Obvintseva, Svetlana Novikova, Ekaterina Salamatova, Ellie Podolskaya, Diana Ivanova, Valentina Aksenova (and these are not all the names). Moscow colleagues, and especially Yulia Zimova and Lyudmila Ushakova, and all concerned who supported Katya both financially and morally.

Andrey AGAFONOV