Features of family education in a foster family. Raising a child in a foster family. Quiet music helps you fall asleep

It is depressing that the number of abandoned children is growing every year. But we should be proud of those families who decided to take a child from an orphanage. For the most part, these are people who do not seek to receive benefits for an adopted child; they love children and want to give them a piece of warmth and love.

If people take a baby from an orphanage, they raise him like their own child. There are cases when these children never find out that they are not related by blood. But how to properly raise a child who is taken from an orphanage at an age when he already understands that he did not have a mom and dad, but now he has? You have discussed possible development options in your family, and are ready to reckon with. Are you ready for a person to come into your home with their own habits, tastes and interests. Now it’s worth learning about some of the problems that can arise in the process of raising an adopted child.

Adopted children in a family - features of upbringing

Are you sure that you have calculated your strength and that it will be enough to take an adopted child into your family and raise him like your own? After all, this is not an item that can be returned to the store if it does not suit you according to some parameters. Children are characterized by disobedience, whims, hysterics and tears. And this applies not only to children from the orphanage, all children are the same. The main thing to remember is that if you fail to fulfill your obligations and return the baby to the shelter, you will sow hostility and hatred towards people in his soul. He will be completely disappointed in himself, life and the people around him. After all, after the betrayal of mom and dad’s relatives, there was a “blow” from the adoptive parents.

There are several rules, following which you can understand whether you are making the right decision when accepting an orphan child into your family.

You must know what the child you chose from all the children in the orphanage is like. Talk to caregivers, nannies and teachers. Give your child as much free time as you have. You cannot rely on the behavior of the child himself in this matter. After all, each of those kids who live in the shelter passionately dreams of finding a mom and dad. The child will “go out of his way” to show only his best side. Don't allow yourself to make an impulsive decision; spend at least a month communicating with your baby.

After the child is already at home, a wave of euphoria from the happiness of being in a family overwhelms him with renewed vigor. In a foster family, orphans take a long time to adapt. The same can be said about parents who are getting used to their “new” adult child. He may call you mom and dad from the moment he met you, but that doesn't mean he's used to you. He really wants not to upset the adults and to please you even more. The child shows maximum activity and goodwill; he expects to be praised and paid attention to.

Adaptation.

The attack of euphoria will gradually pass, and everyday life will remain. You will need to move on with your life, look for common ground and mutual understanding in the new family. The next stage in the adopted child’s behavior is denial and contradiction. He tries to achieve concessions and shows his character in every possible way. Why? The answer is that it is important for him to know the boundaries of what is permitted in this family. Carlson’s phrase is appropriate here: “Calm! Just calm!” This way you will keep the nervous system of all family members and the family itself in order. Be deliberate and methodical about explaining to your child that what he is doing is wrong. Give examples of how to behave. Don't make a fuss and don't shout! However, do not allow yourself to be manipulated and indulge his whims. Some parents, desperate to cope with such behavior, drive themselves to depression. Never, even in moments of despair, remind your child that he owes you as adoptive parents. What if it weren't for you, he would now be in an orphanage. Sooner or later, you will become ashamed of your weakness, and the child will hate you.

No one knows how long this period will last. Everything depends only on you and. The next period in raising an adopted child is a reward for your nerves and grievances.

Raising a foster child in a family begins with these basic periods. They are long and painful. The total time for both parties to adapt and get used to each other can last up to 5 years. To do this, stock up on a lot of patience and love.

Adopted children are problem children

If a child born into a family can be uncontrollable, then adopted children who are not yet familiar with the rules and laws of your family will cause some problems. Knowing in advance what you will experience can help you prepare for problems in advance.

Even before adopting a child, decide among yourselves whether you will inform him in the future that he is adopted. If you think that your child should never find out that he is not your family, make sure that this information does not come to him from the outside. It’s one thing if he hears this from you, another thing from strangers. He will decide that you have been lying to him all your life, and now you have betrayed him. This statement defies any logic, but, as a rule, this is exactly what adopted children say.


When you take into a family a child who remembers his biological parents, serious difficulties arise due to the fact that the child constantly draws parallels between you and his mother and father. In comparing two families, the first one will be the best for him. Even if his parents beat and abused him, they will be shrouded in the child’s memories with an aura of love and longing. Get ready for this turn of events. “Close your eyes” to these statements and comparisons. Otherwise, by proving the opposite, you will only turn the child against you.
Stereotypes towards children from an orphanage are disgusting. But, in most cases, deprived of the most necessary things, these guys are caught stealing. As soon as you know for sure that a child stole from your pocket, in a store, from a classmate or sister, take action! It doesn’t matter what or how much he took. The main thing is that he set his sights on someone else’s. Talk to your child and find out the reason for his action. Provide him with everything he needs, just don’t overdo it so as not to spoil him.
If there are other children in the house, explain to the adopted child that many things in the family are different from those in the orphanage. If there it was accepted that all things are common and do not have one owner, then here each family member has his own things, which can only be taken with the permission of the owner. Try not to offend the child with this statement; time will pass and he will get used to it.

There is a child growing up in the family who has known you since birth and is accustomed to the rules established in the house. For him, your love and care is a common thing, for this you do not need to do anything or prove that he is good. With an adopted child, everything happens differently. Therefore, you need to know what the child you took from the shelter expects from you.

The child must be sure that you love him in any case. The feeling does not depend on any circumstances. It doesn’t matter to you that he is a bad student or stepped on the cat’s tail. You should love your child not for his advantages or disadvantages, but for the fact that he is in this world and he is next to you.
Let your child know that you respect every decision he makes. He is worthy of respect as a person, as a person. This will allow the child to respect himself.
Don't make your child afraid of you. The feeling of fear is not the feeling that generates love and respect.
Attention towards the child should always be close. You must know what is happening to him, what worries and worries him. This will allow you to take action in time and avoid troubles in the future.

Those who want to take a child from an orphanage, but have doubts, need to find foster parents with extensive experience. Talk to them, tell them about what stops and frightens you in the matter of adopting a child. Advice from those raising adopted children boils down to the following points:

Learn from those who have already gone through the difficult journey of raising adopted children;
Don’t lose even in difficult situations;
Faith in the Almighty and His laws saves you from despair and helps you find a way out;
Love your adopted child more than yourself.

Ways to solve social problems of adopted children

Therefore, you need to know standard situations and ways to resolve conflicts.

A child who has spent his entire life in the company of similarly disadvantaged children has... They are explained by the fact that the baby was always left to his own devices. Nobody explained anything to him, talked to him, or solved his problems. Therefore, do not “fight” with them from the first days. First, determine the cause of fear, its origins. Proceed step by step - first gain the child’s trust, give him the opportunity to talk about his fear, and then solve this problem together.

Accustomed to living among people who know his capabilities and abilities, when appearing in a new team, the child becomes an outcast. After all, children are cruel, they do not care about the true motives of why a classmate does not want to communicate with them. They deny his presence and try to “annoy” him. Perhaps the reason that the child does not study well is the reluctance to study and go to school.

Get your child interested in learning new things. . Twos are corrected by fives, which children receive as soon as they feel empowered and understand that acquiring knowledge is interesting.

Adopted children must be explained what money is. It is necessary to give an exact formulation of how to use them, and what benefits can be obtained if the funds are used rationally. Give your child some money once a week. Together with him, determine the material benefits that he wants to receive. Depending on what your child is planning to buy, set a goal. Explain to your child that if he wants to buy a bicycle, then spending the entire amount that you give him regularly will not achieve his goal. Distribute your child's pocket money as follows:

School breakfasts;
Travel to and from school;
Expenses for cinema and popcorn;
The amount you need to save to buy a bicycle.

If you are thinking about adopting a child from a shelter or orphanage, prepare mentally in advance for the fact that from this moment your life will change. Patience and love will help you in this noble cause.

What could be more important for a child than family, the comfort of his home, the warmth of his mother and the strength of his father’s hands? Unfortunately, many children are deprived of this, ending up in orphanages and orphanages after their parents abandoned them or their parents were deprived of parental rights.

There are also many adults who want, but cannot, have their own child. And also those who are simply not indifferent to the problem of abandoned children and would like there to be a little more goodness on Earth. These are the people who strive to become adoptive parents.

The younger the child who is taken from child care institutions, the easier it is for him to adapt to a new family. Easier for adoptive parents too.

However, it is older children, who understand that they do not have a mother and father, do not have their own home, who piercingly want to have their own family. Of course, adults must have a certain courage and be patient so that the heart of such a child “thaws” in the warmth of home.

But despite these differences, some general patterns can be noted in the behavior of children. The child's behavior and well-being do not remain constant; it changes over time as he gets accustomed to the new environment. As psychologists note, there are several stages when a child adapts to new conditions.

First stage can be described as “Dating”, or “Honeymoon”. Here there is an anticipatory attachment to each other. Parents want to warm the child, to give him all the accumulated need for love. The child experiences pleasure from his new position, he is ready for life in the family. He happily does everything that adults suggest. Many children immediately begin to call adults dad and mom. But this does not mean at all that they have already fallen in love - they only want to fall in love with their new parents.

You will notice that the child experiences both joy and anxiety at the same time. This leads many children into a feverishly excited state. They are fussy, restless, cannot concentrate on something for a long time, and grab onto a lot. Please note: during this period, many new people appear in front of the child, whom he is not able to remember; the child is not yet able to remember and assimilate the mass of new impressions that has befallen him. Of particular importance for the child is confirmation that these are indeed his new parents.

Second stage can be defined as “Return to the past”, or “Regression”. The first impressions have subsided, the euphoria has passed, a certain order has been established, and a painstaking and lengthy process of getting used to and getting used to by family members begins - mutual adaptation. The child understands that these are different people, there are different rules in the family. He may not immediately adapt to a new relationship. He obeyed the rules almost unquestioningly while it was new. But now the novelty has disappeared, and he tries to behave as before, taking a closer look at what others like and don’t like. A very painful breaking of the existing stereotype of behavior occurs. During these months, psychological barriers may be revealed: incompatibility of temperaments, character traits, your habits and the habits of the child.

Many adults faced with these problems do not have enough strength, and most importantly, the patience to wait until the child does what they need. Particularly evident during this period are: the lack of knowledge about the characteristics of age, the ability to establish contact, trusting relationships and choose the desired communication style. Attempts to rely on their life experience, on the fact that they were raised this way, often fail.

Having become accustomed to new conditions, the child begins to look for a line of behavior that would satisfy the adoptive parents. This search is not always successful. To attract attention, a child may change behavior in unexpected ways. Therefore, it should not surprise you that a cheerful, active child suddenly becomes capricious, cries often and for a long time, starts fighting with his parents or with his brother or sister (if he has one), and does things that he doesn’t like out of spite. And a gloomy, withdrawn person - to show interest in his surroundings, especially when no one is watching him, acts on the sly or becomes unusually active.

Parents who are unprepared for this may experience fear and shock. “We wish him well, but he... We love him so much, but he doesn’t appreciate us,” are the usual complaints for this period. Some are overcome by despair: “Will it always be like this?!”

Third stage- “Addiction”, or “Slow recovery”. You may notice that the child has suddenly matured. Tension disappears, children begin to joke and discuss their problems and difficulties with adults. The child gets used to the rules of behavior in the family and in the child care facility. He begins to behave as naturally as his own child behaves in his blood family. The child takes an active part in all family affairs. Without tension, he remembers his past life. Behavior corresponds to character traits and is completely adequate to situations.

Having adapted to new conditions, children are less likely to remember the past. If a child feels good in the family, he almost does not talk about the previous way of life, having appreciated the advantages of the family, he does not want to return to it. Preschool children can ask adults where they have been for so long, why did they look for him for so long? If a child feels good about himself, attachment to his parents and reciprocal feelings arise. He easily follows the rules and responds correctly to requests. Shows attention and interest in all family matters, participating as much as possible in everything. He himself notes the changes happening to himself, recalls his bad behavior (if it happened) not without irony, sympathizes and empathizes with his parents.

So, a new child entered the family. Before his appearance, adults were confident in themselves, that they were ready to solve all problems, and were ready to love the child as he would be. Illusions and some euphoria, confidence that there is enough strength to overcome all obstacles and overcome difficulties are typical states that characterize most new parents. Almost everyone is confident in their educational abilities and that they can successfully use these abilities for the benefit of someone else's child. This is especially true for those parents who were successful in raising their own children and were able to create an atmosphere of warmth and love in their family. But the birth of someone else’s child is a serious test for the whole family.

Difficulties in the relationship between parents and children are an eternal topic. Resentment, claims, reticence, disobedience, misunderstanding. And this happens between relatives. What if the child is not your own? If he recently appeared in the family? What difficulties arise most often in relationships with adopted children? Is it possible to build relationships with them and love them like family? How to help an adopted child?

Adopting a child in infancy

When a child is adopted in infancy, it is much easier for parents to adapt to their role - they go through all the stages of normal parenting with sleepless nights, first teeth, steps, words. Accordingly, those difficulties that arise in the process of growth and maturation can be perceived by family members as natural, “their own.”

Adoption of children aged 5-6 years

If adoption occurs when the child is 5-6 years old or older, on the one hand, mom and dad receive a ready-made little person, avoiding the difficulties of an early age. On the other hand, they are faced with a new, alien system that has not yet fit into the family structure. And it is at this stage that most of the problems arise.

• Firstly, you need to remember that if you adopted or took custody of a child from an orphanage, then at first he will behave perfectly. But this does not mean that he is exactly like this and that everything will always be cloudless. The biggest fear of adopted children is that they will be sent back. That is why for the first month or more they try their best to be perfect, flexible, obedient. In this way they try to earn the love of their new dad and mom. But gradually they get used to it, relax and begin to behave naturally, because they know how to do it, as they are used to. Many adoptive parents get scared at this stage and want to give up the child. It is important to remember that this moment is the most valuable for future relationships. A change in the child’s behavior indicates that he has adapted to the home and trusts enough to show himself as he is. And it is at this moment that you have the opportunity to really get to know each other and learn to live together.
• Secondly, if you decide to adopt, you will have to go through in a short time that stage that takes other families with natural children years and therefore stress for both parties is a natural phenomenon.
• Thirdly, failures are possible, as are mistakes and moments of despair, both for you and for the child. It is very important to enlist the support of a psychologist and social worker and follow their recommendations.

The main difficulties on the way to a full-fledged family with adopted children

1. The expectation that the child will appreciate the fact that he was taken from the orphanage and thank him for everything. Many parents, at the slightest quarrel, remind them of their “heroic deed,” thereby plunging the child into a feeling of guilt. This is usually followed by a reaction of aggression, since it is impossible to remain in a sense of guilt for a long time. Aggression may be directed at stepparents, siblings, pets, or oneself. Remember that gratitude must be taught. Who could do this in an orphanage? In families with natural children, this does not always work out successfully. So be patient and learn. And make it a principle to never remind your child that you took him in and he should be grateful for that. After all, you decided that you need an adopted child. You should not impose a feeling of guilt on your child in order to make him obedient and comfortable.

2. The child does not have a clear understanding of his role and his place in the family. The safer we feel, the more positive we feel about the world and people. The basis of security is “your own place,” a room or bed, a table where you can do homework, shelves in the closet. If the child does not have this, then he may have the feeling that he is here temporarily. Why try and build something if you’re going to leave here anyway? If there are other children in the family, relatives, then the adopted child begins to compare himself with their situation and feels inferior. It may seem to him that they are loved more, they have privileges. And such thoughts do not contribute to obedience and harmony in the family. The task of parents is to immediately give their adopted child the security that he has the right to count on. Equal responsibilities and rights compared to other family members. Relief from the load also does not contribute to a sense of security. This is a signal that “I was not taken seriously.”

3. Fear when a child begins to resurface traumatic experiences from the past. If you decide to adopt a child from an orphanage, you must assume that he/she had to go through traumatic, painful events. No one ends up in an orphanage just like that. The child who comes into your home has no other experience other than the past. Playing with toys (aggression and cruelty), self-harm, hysterics, unreasonable fears of some events or procedures - these are all signals that there is trauma inside and it is very painful. The child will not be able to cope with this on his own, by an effort of will to change such behavior. You need the help of a psychologist or psychotherapist who will help the child respond to the pain and help you feel more confident.

If you are preparing to take custody or adopt a child, start attending “foster parenting school” from the beginning. The child’s studies with psychologists and social workers, understanding the responsibility and psychology of children who were in an orphanage before adoption will help you once again weigh all the pros and cons of this decision, prepare for your parenthood and give you the opportunity, subsequently, not to be afraid of difficulties, but enjoy the fact that you have a child, and building a relationship with him is interesting.

Methods of raising children in a foster family.

ADVICE FOR FOSTER PARENTS

Magazine “Adoptive Family” No. 2 of 2009

PATIENCE, PATIENCE AND AGAIN PATIENCE!

The integration process requires great effort and patience from the family and the child. It can be compared to a marriage: people come together - each with their own history, habits, incomprehensible and sometimes unpredictable reactions, ways of expressing feelings, which all the time compare their partner’s behavior with the stereotypes they are accustomed to. In the same way - from the perspective of previous experience - substitute parents and an adopted child evaluate each other’s actions.

In addition, in relations with an adopted child, parents tend to be more wary than with a natural child. This is often associated with the popular idea that all children in orphanages have “bad heredity,” so even behavior that is normal for children of his age is interpreted as an inevitable manifestation of “genetics.” Undoubtedly, such an attitude undermines parents' faith in the positive results of their educational efforts.

In a child, primary attachment begins to form in contact with the mother even at the intrauterine stage of development and in the first hours after birth. But the child is also capable of forming a secondary attachment - loving his substitute family, considering it his own, and this can happen at any age. The author of attachment theory, English psychologist John Bowlby, was the first to prove that a child’s attachment is often formed through aggression. In a new family, trying to achieve the exclusive attention of adults, the child, as a rule, follows the usual path and, as a result, provokes parents to punish. If parents do not have special training, then with a harsh reaction they only reinforce violations in the child’s behavior, which can lead to the most dire consequences, including abandonment of the child.

How to deal with bad behavior in children:

· It is worth studying the child's history in detail. What family and how he was raised, how he behaved before, can help understand his behavior now.

· Pay attention to how favorable the atmosphere in your home is for the successful rehabilitation of a child. Does he feel safe, under reliable protection? Predictability and confidence in what will happen next are also very important. If a child acquires this, he can figure out the reasons for his behavior himself.

We tend to think that a child’s bad behavior is aimed at us, and this is completely wrong. We take it as a personal insult, get angry in response, and become involved in an emotional struggle in which everyone suffers. In fact, a child may exhibit bad behavior simply because it was the only behavior that resonated with him in his previous life. When he behaved well, was obedient, he was not noticed, and he learned to build his own “action-reaction” chain. It is quite possible that the child is repeating the same chain now.

He launches a known mechanism and wants to check what will happen in this situation. It is worth taking the child’s antics calmly, observing and assessing their reasons.

Analyze what caused the child’s bad behavior; perhaps the reasons are the same that irritate us all, or the child just wants to test your reaction. Watch and you will find the “key” to this riddle. Perhaps he is in the events of this day, perhaps a week ago, but the situation is always solvable.

Remember: the cause of bad behavior cannot always be observed in external manifestations. For example, a child may become excited after hearing a song on the radio that evokes a memory. In such cases, you can find out the true reason only by asking the child himself, after everything has calmed down.

Discuss his behavior with your child, express what you see as the reasons, and try to find a solution together. (“I noticed that as soon as I tell you that it’s time to go to bed, you become not yourself. Let’s agree on what we will do about it.”) This is how you show your desire to help, force yourself

th child to think about the causes and consequences

your behavior. And by talking directly, you can solve the problem.

ADVICE FROM EXPERIENCED FOSTER PARENTS

· Demonstrate in your behavior an example to follow. Children will always follow him.

· Try spend time with each child. Seniors need personal one-on-one communication just as much as younger ones. Therefore, it is important to find time for all children. Think about whether you have enough energy and time for each, and make the right choice. After all, what matters is not the number of children you can raise, but the quality of education.

· You need to talk to your child and set rules for him in accordance with his age and level of development.

· React not to bad behavior, but to the child’s feelings that caused it. For example, if a child cries, it means that he needs to have his needs/emotions met. After he calms down, you can talk to him about how wrong it was to throw a tantrum in the store in front of everyone.

· Try to understand your feelings. If you are upset about problems at work, do not transfer these problems to your relationship with your child. After all, perhaps his bad behavior now simply reflects your tension?

· Praise your child more often- for example, because he does some kind of pa6ory very well. Praise boosts self-confidence and shows your child that you care.

· Give your child the opportunity to learn from his mistakes. If it doesn't threaten his life, let him do what he wants to do and then be prepared to face the consequences.

· Be realistic: nohave too high expectations, don't expect more from your child than he can give you. But give him a chance to change.

METHODS OF RAISING CHILDREN IN A FOSTER FAMILY

Almost all children who have lived in boarding institutions, be it an orphanage, an orphanage or a boarding school, have deviations in physical, emotional or mental development, which necessarily affects their behavior. These children are characterized by a lack of affection and attention necessary for a child, on which, according to psychologists, trust in the world around them is based. Therefore, in addition to loving children, parent educators must have kindness and patience in order to accept children as they are. It is the absence of these qualities in parent-educators with romantic attitudes or the desire to assert themselves by playing the role of saviors of unfortunate children that can cause conflicts, stressful situations, depression and nervous breakdowns. Indispensable for people who connect their fate with adopted children are, as already mentioned, patience and pedagogical optimism. At one time, he put forward an optimistic hypothesis, which focuses on believing in the best in a person, even at the risk of making a mistake. This hypothesis in one form or another is found in various pedagogical and psychological theories, starting with folk pedagogy. Psychologists talk about the halo or mirror effect, where a person often behaves in accordance with our expectations. M. Gorky expressed this idea very figuratively, saying that if you call a person a pig for a long time, he will eventually grunt. And the opposite manifestation of this effect was wittily formulated by the sarcastic Frenchman F. La Rochefoucauld, saying that as soon as a fool praises us, he no longer seems so stupid to us.

In our real, everyday life we ​​constantly have to deal with the phenomenon when you expect only good things from some people and they, as a rule, live up to expectations; You fear others, and they pay accordingly.

Relying on this theory in raising their children and being patient, the parent-educator will eventually see the fruits of his labor, although it may take a more or less long time, which depends on the degree of pedagogical neglect of the child.

And no matter how important the personal qualities of a parent-educator are, he still needs certain pedagogical knowledge, because he chooses to work with children as a profession, and therefore must have professional skills.

When starting work, foster parents must clearly understand how the parenting methods they use can affect children, what reaction they will provoke and what results they will lead to. Leaving aside the ongoing discussion in pedagogical theory regarding the classification of educational methods and terminology, we can use the previous names to note the features of the use of encouragement, punishment, exercise (training), a positive example and methods of forming consciousness (the former name was methods of persuasion). Each of these methods of education has its own psychophysiological basis, without taking into account which it is impossible to predict with sufficient probability the possible consequences of the impact on the child. Ignoring this psychophysiological basis often leads to sad mistakes in upbringing, which is doubly undesirable when it comes to adopted children.

METHODS OF PERSUASION

In official pedagogy, until recently, the most recommended were the so-called methods of persuasion, when the teacher used words. But when a lot is said about how to behave, then very often children prefer not to hear it. Moreover, according to psychologists, there are three forms of behavioral reaction of a child who rejects instructions. If a child looks over the head of an adult, then he is busy with his thoughts and fantasies; if he looks down, then not only does he not perceive what is said, but he argues furiously, rejects it, and finds his own arguments; if he looks straight into the eyes and even nods, seemingly agreeing, then he is simply deceiving, revealing a prototype of a future sycophant. Although it is in the latter case that it is easier to reach the consciousness of children.

A reasonable question arises: so, don’t talk to the child at all? Talk, but clearly imagine the extent of the impact. The simplest scheme is this: in preschool and primary school age - story, suggesting a vivid and emotional form of presentation; in adolescence - conversation, i.e. question-answer form; in early adolescence - debate, discussion. Therefore, it is possible and necessary to talk to a child while he listens to us with an open mouth and burning eyes; with a teenager - while he asks; with a boy or girl - while they are arguing. This is the only way to avoid the common mistake that many educators make when they try to explain something that has long been known and the words turn into peas bouncing off the wall.

L PERFECT EXAMPLE

Earlier than many other methods of education, example begins to influence children. It is well known how often children copy their loved ones: for example, with calm, balanced parents, even infants cry less. No wonder Seneca used to say: “It is difficult to lead to good by moral teaching, but easy by example.” The impact of example is based on the child’s natural tendency to imitate.

Imitation develops from play imitation to imitation in life. And therefore, in the well-known “daughter-mother” game, children not only copy the real environment of their home, but also, to a certain extent, practice creating a model of their own future family life. Consequently, after watching children play, you can see yourself in a distorting mirror, try to fix something, and also try to inadvertently provide material for further games: read something, tell something, or even get involved in the game. When encouraging imitation, it is imperative to instill in the child faith in his own abilities.

INCENTIVES AND PUNISHMENTS

There is a group of methods that, generally speaking, come into greatest contact with the individual. These are methods of reward and punishment. The mechanism of their influence is as follows: encouragement evokes positive emotions, thereby the actions and actions that it follows are fixed in the behavior of the rewarded person. And punishment entails negative emotions that have an inhibitory effect on completed actions.

It must be remembered that a person is rewarded not for qualities of character, but for actions and deeds, that is, the idea is constantly conveyed that the child is good in one way or another, but today he did good and deserved praise. And if today they praised for some action, then tomorrow they will not praise for it, but take it for granted. Now, in order to earn encouragement, the child must do more than he has already done. This is how his moral development is stimulated.

In general, one must be very careful with punishments, because it is known that grief is experienced more acutely and is remembered longer than joy. Children perceive injustice very painfully, so they should not be punished based on suspicion. No matter how sure you are that it was this child who was at fault, and not another, not a neighbor, not a cat or a dog, in the end, but “if not caught, not a thief.” Having too much faith in your insight, you can make an irreparable mistake by punishing an innocent person. And it is also advisable to punish the child, at least at first, without drawing everyone’s attention to it, in private, “in secret.” In addition, when dealing with adopted children, special attention should be paid to the motivation for the offense. Sometimes behind a child’s action lies a desire to attract attention in any way, to check whether he is really loved and to what limits this love extends.

ABOUT PHYSICAL PUNISHMENT

The issue of physical punishment requires special discussion. True, no matter how much we advocate for their complete disappearance, no matter how much we warn parents, we must face the truth and admit that the belt quite often serves as the most convincing argument in some families. But with such actions, adults can only prove that they are stronger than children, and this is well known. Consequently, by using physical punishment, parents thereby acknowledge their powerlessness, show their weakness and complete lack of ability to truly influence the child. And if we take into account that a 14-15 year old teenager is already quite capable of standing up for himself and fighting back, therefore, by this age, parents can suffer complete defeat. To prevent such an outcome, you should clearly understand the mechanism of interaction between physical punishment and the child’s psyche.

MISTAKES IN FAMILY EDUCATION

In pedagogical theory and practice, errors are known that are caused by violations of the requirements for the use of educational methods. In addition to them, there are also common mistakes in family education, determined by the style of relationships between parents and children. One of the most common is the so-called “parental scissors” or discrepancies in the requirements of adults. When the mother allows what the father forbids, the grandmother allows everything, and the grandfather - nothing, then the child experiences a complete loss.

orientation. As a result, a setting is created: when everything

you can’t, then everything is possible. And the child must know exactly what is not allowed and why, or where it is possible and where it is not possible.

For example, after complaints from a kindergarten teacher, one mother, who believed that it was quite natural for a six-year-old boy to want to climb trees and fences and splash in puddles, explained to the child why these exciting activities were prohibited in kindergarten. Like, not all boys and girls know how to climb trees and can fall, so it’s better to choose another place, not everyone has shoes adapted to water, you can get your feet wet and get sick. All this was said in a serious tone, respectfully, and the little man agreed with his mother’s arguments.

Parents also have such an erroneous view of education as concentrating the main attention on correcting shortcomings, instead of developing the desired qualities and skills. Of course, for adoptive parents, getting rid of bad habits is a very pressing problem, but at the same time we must not forget about laying some foundations in an empty place.

The way to avoid mistakes is contained in the well-known formula: raise your child (and this is exactly what he becomes for adoptive parents) as a stranger, and a stranger as your own. The mechanism of implementation is as follows: you should imagine in the place of the guilty neighbor’s child, who does not cause outright hostility, and re-evaluate the committed offense. In many cases, parents are more accepting of their children's mistakes for which they are not morally responsible. This way you can avoid many conflicts, which, by the way, are perceived much more painfully by children and are remembered longer.

Based on materials from the collection

“Problems of social orphanhood”/
Undered. L.I.Smagina. Minsk, 1999.

Before you adopt a child, you need to talk to him and find out more about him from the orphanage staff. This will take a month. The child will do everything to please his possibly new parents. After all, every child dreams of finding his own family, mom and dad.

After the child is already at home, it will take him about a month (at best) to get used to his new parents, and the parents will also get used to the child. If he is not the first-born in the house, then the children should receive attention and love equally; no one should be singled out from them. During this period he may be too active and the happiest. He finally found the home and family he had dreamed of. Literally from the first days he can begin to call his adoptive parents mom and dad. But it’s too early to talk about complete adaptation; the baby simply wants with all his might to please the adults.

The next adaptation period is much more difficult. The child tries to get used to the new environment. He may begin to be rude, capricious, and show his character. Thus, monitoring the reaction of his parents, he tries to understand his limits of what is permitted. The main thing here is to have patience and understanding. You need to calmly explain to the child why it is unnecessary to do this; you cannot break down and yell at the child. And you also shouldn’t let him get away with everything and completely indulge all his desires. From such behavior of the child, the mother may become depressed and lack confidence in herself and her abilities. No matter how hard it may be, even in despair it is categorically forbidden to shout out to the child that he owes his adoption to his adoptive parents, and only thanks to them, he is now in a family and not in an orphanage. After these words, he will begin to hate his parents.

When the most difficult, previous period is passed, the child will regain calm and begin to share his opinions and plans with his parents. The child’s fears that his parents will betray and abandon him will begin to recede. He will begin to get used to the new way of life and to his adoptive parents.

These are all the most basic features of raising an adopted child. The full period of adaptation of a child can reach from 3 to 5 years. Therefore, you need to be patient, love and surround the child with your warmth and care.

POSSIBLE PROBLEMS WHEN RAISING AN ADOPTED CHILD IN A FAMILY

You need to be prepared for the fact that problems may arise in raising adopted children. And it is advisable to prepare for them in advance.

1. You need to think carefully and decide whether to tell your child about his adoption or always remain silent about it. It will be better if the child knows the whole truth. But if parents decide to remain silent, then it is necessary to weigh everything and make sure that the child does not learn the truth from strangers. If someone reveals this secret to him, trust in the parents will disappear, and the child will receive extreme stress.

2. If a child remembers his biological parents, then he will constantly compare his adoptive parents with them. Moreover, in most cases the biological parents “win” this comparison. And even if they drink heavily and don’t care about the child at all, for him they will always be the best, and he will try to find them. In such a situation, there is no need to speak unflatteringly about biological parents, otherwise the child will see enemies in the person of his adoptive parents. You need to continue to take care of the child and love him.

3. If the adopted child has reached school age, he will probably be caught stealing. He can steal from parents, brother, sister, school, store. This cannot be ignored. The child needs to be explained that this is very bad and should not be done. To avoid this, initially the child must be provided with everything he needs, but he should not be spoiled.