What difficulties can there be with an adopted child? What problems arise in foster families? Developmental delay

The problems of adoptive families need to be known before you decide to adopt or take custody of a child. In Russia, every year about 100,000 children of different ages are left without parents. An orphanage, even with the most wonderful living conditions and professional teachers, cannot give children the love and care that they received in the family. Therefore, graduates of these institutions more often take the path of crime; it is more difficult for them to start a family and raise their children. A foster family is a good solution for orphaned children. But why aren't foster care more widespread?

First of all, financial problems interfere. Despite all the benefits, allowances and salaries of parents, it is obvious that these funds can only provide normal living conditions for a foster family. So that a child does not look like an outcast in the company of peers, in addition to food, clothing and free travel, he needs a telephone, a computer, the opportunity to go with friends to a movie or a cafe, etc. It’s good if adoptive parents find businessmen who want to help the disadvantaged for their children’s needs, but these measures are temporary.

Many foster families receive assistance from charitable foundations and local authorities interested in their development and spread throughout the region.

The second problem is housing. An ordinary apartment can comfortably accommodate 2-3 children, but what if parents feel that they could take in 5 children?

In some regions, a large foster family receives a large house at its disposal, or the local administration does its best to help them by allocating a plot for construction and providing them with funds or building materials. Unfortunately, the opposite is more often the case, since not every region has a budget from which the necessary money can be safely allocated, there is no housing stock from which an apartment could be allocated for free, and many officials are more than cool towards requests from adoptive parents to help them with housing.

Namely, large foster families could solve the problem of orphans and children who have lost parental care for various reasons.

Raising a foster child

This is the third and important reason why foster families are not spreading throughout Russia as much as needed.

Childless couples are afraid to take a child from a shelter or orphanage because they are afraid of possible difficulties in raising him, especially hereditary tendencies. Many people believe that children of alcoholics, drug addicts, and criminals end up in government institutions. Of course, parents can be all sorts of things, but babies living in a hospital or orphanage are not to blame for being unlucky with their parents.

Often, having already accepted a child into the family, adults watch with secret fear as he grows up, mistaking a penchant for noisy games for aggressiveness, a child’s desire to take someone else’s toy for a tendency to steal, and trying to nip these developmental anomalies in the bud, and using rather harsh methods. The child, not understanding what he did wrong, naturally begins to resist, a conflict arises, which, due to the lack of understanding of the situation by adults, can cause the child to leave home.

The training provided to adults who want to become foster parents warns against such steps. Experts give future parents advice and recommendations on how to avoid conflict situations, and yet it often happens that adults, having taken a child into a family, especially an older one, after some time terminate the foster family agreement and return the child to the orphanage, explaining the action by the dissimilarity of temperaments or something similar. In fact, such a reason may arise, but more often it is a misunderstanding of the psychology of someone else’s child, who does not live up to the expectations placed on him and does not bow at the feet of his adoptive parents for every piece of bread.

The habituation of parents and children in a foster family is a thin autumn ice that can crack with any wrong step. Children who have lost their family have experienced real grief, they love their parents - both alcoholics and drug addicts, and are afraid to become attached to a new family, so as not to betray the old one. For this reason, during the period of adaptation, children either withdraw into themselves or begin to be insolent and respond rudely and defiantly to affectionate words. Only patience and tact, the understanding of the adoptive parents of how much suffering this fragile child's soul had to endure, can help the child understand that in this family no one claims to be his mother and father without his desire.

Adoptive parents, who have found an approach to each child, share their experience with newcomers, helping them overcome the very first height - strangers getting used to each other, there is an opportunity to ask for advice from parents who have been in a similar situation, attend seminars and courses for adoptive parents and decide together problems of foster families.

If you think that you should take a child from an orphanage for upbringing, don’t hesitate, take it. Guardianship authorities do not leave without help people who save children's souls and raise full-fledged citizens of our country.

In Russia before the revolution there were no orphanages at all. If the child was left alone, relatives, neighbors, and friends of the parents took him in. So a foster family is a historically justified form of raising orphans for our country.

The article is based on a clinical case. From the parents' story - the adopted child does not obey:

“Vasya was two years old when we adopted him. Now he is seven. He was a healthy, cheerful baby and we liked him right away. We have been trained in foster parenting. All was good. The problems started when he entered kindergarten. I didn’t want to go there, I threw tantrums and became stubborn. Then he began to steal other children's toys and bring them home. I hid these toys under the mattress. How embarrassing it was in front of the parents of these children!

They forced him to ask for forgiveness! They had to search him every time they picked him up from kindergarten. He didn’t obey no matter what they asked, he did everything the opposite. He even soiled his clothes on purpose. We talked to him in a good way, but he doesn't understand. They put me in a corner and sometimes punished me with a belt. They deprived me of a computer. He doesn’t care, he even started stealing and hiding food.

Now I'm in first grade. He stole money from the closet. I bought sweets with them and ate them. It took us a long time to find out where he had put the money; we had to beat the words out of him with a belt. We found chocolate wrappers and hid them behind the table. Then they believed that he spent it on sweets. He also steals from stores. He doesn’t want to study at school, is rude to the teacher, and shows aggression towards other children. The teacher found him and a boy from the senior class smoking a cigarette. He's only seven, and he's already smoking! And already a thief! What to do? We can't handle him!

Natural and adopted children - is there a difference? Why do problems arise in raising adopted children?

When a woman gives birth to her child, she does not know what it will be like; she does not choose either the gender or the mental characteristics of the baby. A child is born naturally as he is, and a woman has a maternal instinct towards him. This is a natural mechanism, it is necessary for the preservation of offspring in both animals and humans.

In the presence of maternal instinct, the life of the baby is assessed by the mother as a priority over her own life. The mother takes care of the child, invests the best in him and unconsciously does not expect any return from him. They love their own child, no matter what he is and no matter what he has done.

When adopting, people can choose the child themselves. When people adopt, they use their own minds and preferences. They choose the one they like. Those who are not liked are not taken, and if they are adopted, it is with the goal of making him into someone who would be liked. There is no maternal instinct towards adopted children. Adoptive parents consciously do everything for the baby, but something may not go the way they want. If, in the presence of maternal instinct, a mother is naturally aimed by nature at giving the child everything she has, even her own life, then a different attitude is formed towards adopted children.

During adoption, the natural mechanism of the child’s priority over the parents does not work. Nature planned everything correctly, because the future is children who must survive and get the best so that the human species continues to exist and develop. Therefore, the mother is ready to give her life for her child. Adoptive parents act differently.

The best intentions can push people out of an orphanage. Some cannot give birth to their own child and take them into the family to love them as if they were their own. So that there is someone to pass on the family business and inheritance to. Others want to give a destitute, abandoned child a home out of compassion. One way or another, people act out of their desire, that is, out of their unconscious egoistic desire, which they do not realize. This means that they perform an action with the expectation of return, that is, receipt. Give to receive in return. There is no unconscious regulation between adopted children and parents, as happens with a natural child through the maternal instinct. Adoptive parents are guided by their own minds, which can be wrong.

Your own children can delight you with their achievements - excellent studies, obedience, help, success in sports. But they may not please, but on the contrary, upset. Nevertheless, they remain their own, and even if the son is a young thief and criminal, the mother will protect him and justify him.

We expect results from an adopted child. This is an internal attitude and it is unconscious. It turns out an exchange: “I’m for you, and you for me.” If the adopted child does not live up to expectations and behaves badly, then the parents do not get what they want unconsciously. Not receiving the desired obedience and development of the adopted child, parents punish him in a way that they would not do with their own children. The unconscious expectation of a return from the adopted baby makes relationships with him very difficult. That is why so many problems arise in raising adopted children - they can start stealing, show aggression, and express protest in different ways. There are often cases when parents return their child back to the orphanage because they could not cope with him.

Seven-year-old Vasya was beaten, humiliated in front of the public, and punished. Parents did this involuntarily, because their own children are often punished and beaten. In this same case, the child became so uncontrollable that the parents turned to a psychiatrist for help.

How to solve the psychological problems of raising an adopted child in this family?

Any child, natural or adopted, needs a sense of security and safety, and Vasya is no exception. This is necessary for the development of his psyche. The baby unconsciously feels that his parents, especially his mother, preserve his life and health, including mental balance. This means that he can develop calmly and subsequently begin to preserve himself independently when he mentally matures for puberty.

The psyche develops until adolescence, and before this time the child manifests himself as not yet mature, not an adult. You can’t ask him like an adult. As they did with Vasya - “steals.” He didn't steal. Vasya, being deprived of a sense of security and safety, was forced to preserve himself, that is, mentally he had to behave like an adult with an immature psyche.

This is how mental development delays occur - both in adopted and natural children. The difference is that the adopted child does not initially receive a sense of security and safety based on maternal instinct. If a native child loses security and safety when he is shouted at, beaten, humiliated, then the same actions of his adopted Vasya aggravated his developmental delays more and more. Therefore, improper upbringing of adopted children, ignorance of the psychological nuances and peculiarities of raising adopted children can lead a family to disastrous consequences.

There will be no maternal instinct towards an adopted child. But it is possible to create an emotional connection with him. This is sensual, confidential communication. You can start by reading bedtime stories.

An emotional connection will allow you to create and maintain a strong relationship with your child for life. And reading bedtime stories and reading together as a family is the education of feelings, the key to a child’s future ability to perceive the world as beautiful, to see the beauty of another person’s soul, and to create happy couple relationships.

The tradition of a common family table strengthens relationships. When people enjoy food together and at the same time share their sensory experiences about something, it brings them even closer together. Joint dinners should be in all families, and not just those where a foster child is being raised.

In order to properly raise an adopted child, as well as in order to avoid problems in raising both adopted and natural children, it is necessary to know the characteristics of their psyche. The baby is born with already given abilities. According to the system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan, the psyche consists of parts (vectors), there are eight of them in total. This means that the child already has several innate vectors out of eight that make up his psyche. Each vector is endowed with its own special properties and talents.

They are in their infancy and need to be developed. In the process of development, the child himself, through his behavior, shows where upbringing mistakes are made. Vasya did this many times. Theft is a sign that a child is physically punished, who is able to develop from a little thief into a talented engineer, manager, and representative of the law.

A sense of security and safety, emotional connection, family traditions, correct development according to innate properties (vectors) will help solve problems in raising not only Vasya’s adopted child, but also his own child.

How to avoid problems when adopting a child and raising him in a foster family?

First of all, it is necessary to realize that by adopting a child, we take responsibility for his life. He needs to feel. When parents stand over him like strict censors, ready at any next moment to punish him for not living up to what was invested in him, this is the path to the emergence of upbringing problems and developmental delays in the adopted child.

The question arises: how to choose a child for adoption? One from which parents have nothing to gain, but can only invest in - they can adopt. We are talking about physically disabled people. Those children who cannot please us with achievements in anything, even grandchildren. Thus, adoptive parents deliberately put themselves in a situation where they will only invest in the development of the child and will not expect anything in return. Unconsciously it will work and it is the right choice. Mentally ill children cannot be adopted - they can be patronized, but not taken into the family.

When a child of a deceased relative is adopted, the mechanism of giving to the child and giving priority to the child over the parents also comes into play. Such a child is unconsciously perceived as one of our own; he can and should be adopted.

To learn more about raising children according to their innate abilities, start studying system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan. Register for June 16, 2018

You and your spouse are already desperate to give birth to your children, and you are taking a risky step - adopting someone else’s baby. This is a sign of nobility and courage, because you will make a happy life for the baby. But if you have already decided to do this, you should study in detail the common problems that may arise when communicating with adopted children.

Good intentions

Naturally, if a couple takes an adopted child into their family, then this is done with good feelings and intentions. Unfortunately, with joy comes fear. After all, no one knows anything about the child: who were the biological parents of these babies, how they lived, whether diseases exist...

New family member

The fear that may arise with the arrival of a new person in the house is a completely understandable moment. It can also be called a turning point in the life of the whole family. The fear of future parents is understandable. Fear can be divided into several categories.

So, parents have the opportunity to worry about the child’s poor heredity. Mom and dad are afraid that the baby will continue the bad fate of his biological parents.

Also, if this is the first child in the family, then mom and dad are afraid of their inner insecurities. What if we fail? After all, this is a completely new life.

What should I do?

It is necessary to create a good atmosphere in the family, learn to live with your new child. Rejoice at his new successes, do not scold him for failures or flaws. And the main thing is not to compare him with anyone! He is an individual, a completely independent person.

Unfortunately, orphans are usually children of drug addicts, alcoholics and at most disadvantaged people. But it could be different. For example, a child’s parents died in a car accident...

You don't need to think only about bad heredity. So you absolutely do not give the adopted child the opportunity to grow up as a normal person, and you take away his chances to change. A child’s potential depends only on you and the environment. We need to create a good atmosphere in which to raise a child. Genes are a lottery. A child can equally grow up to be a genius or a hooligan.

Child's fears

The orphan child has already experienced a lot of stress. He was left to his own devices. He did not have the opportunity to feel that necessary love, tenderness and care. If you immediately understand this and help him return to normal life from the first days, then the two of you have a great chance of having a full-fledged, wonderful family. The main thing is that you don’t need to “adjust” the baby to suit you.

Don't forget to think about dad and your friends. After all, they are also genetically strangers to you, but you had the opportunity to find a common language with them. You need to wait patiently, and the baby himself will show what he wants from you, in what atmosphere he is ready to change and develop. Don't forget to praise your baby. And praise for all efforts, not just the result. Help your child raise his self-esteem. Spend a lot of time with him, go for walks, watch TV, read books.

Toddler's aggression

If a child shows aggression, explain to him that this is very bad and that it upsets you very much. Communicate with him in his language, as you love him. Most importantly, do not take your child’s anger and rage personally. This will be an insult to the whole world. If the aggression does not go away, then you need to visit a psychologist with your child.

Help your child regain a normal, happy childhood, make his life fulfilling! The child will definitely reciprocate your love. Don't forget, this takes time. Be patient!

The loss of a family for a child is a fatal event that gives rise to a whole range of problems. There are many of them, they are heavy, and each orphan has his own. However, there are challenges that adoptive parents face.

Health problems

The health of orphans often leaves much to be desired, and often it is chronic diseases, disabilities and congenital pathologies that serve as a reason for abandoning a child. The orphan comes into the family in a neglected state, because there was no one to closely take care of his health when the first alarming symptoms appeared.

In addition to congenital and hereditary pathologies, some orphans experience delays in physical development, neurotic disorders, and psychosomatic illnesses.

Not only the physical health suffers, but also the child’s psyche, and in the sphere of emotions and feelings there is a mismatch. The child often cannot determine what and to what extent he feels. This is accompanied by violations of will: it is difficult for him to restrain himself where it is required, and at the same time he can endure and remain silent when it is vitally necessary to speak out and complain.

That’s why various things arise: hysterics, seemingly empty whims, lies, causeless aggression.

Age-related crises can occur with particular severity. These periods in adopted children are complicated due to mental characteristics and attachment disorders.

Developmental delay

Many adopted children experience. It is very difficult for them to do well at school, especially during the adaptation period: at this time there is no talk of motivation to learn at all.

Many children need a remedial curriculum. This is because at a very early age, when normally an interest in understanding the world should awaken, he had to survive in an asocial blood family, experience the untimely loss of close, significant adults, and get comfortable in a children's institution among everything alien, unfamiliar and frightening. The child had no time for learning, and he missed many stages.

Helping the child catch up on lost time and restore interest in learning new things, accepting new conditions as safe and calm, is also the task of surrogate parents.

Problems in social development

Learned reactions that help children survive in an atmosphere of danger may be perceived by adoptive parents as an inability to properly communicate. It seems that these children are unable to take into account the reactions and wishes of others, do not want to follow rules and traditions, and resist natural restrictions.

For example, a child may constantly shout or provoke family members to become aggressive towards themselves, or constantly take what they want without asking. The fact is that in those past conditions they worked for him, so it’s difficult to rebuild. Getting rid of habitual behavior will require a lot of time, explanation, patience and effort on the part of both the parents and the child.

Dissonances of development

One of the specific problems of adopted children is uneven development in different areas. While there is general underdevelopment in the area of ​​physical health and cognitive activity, a child can have very well developed many household and social skills: neatness, the ability to keep oneself clean, the ability to meet any adult on the street, find a route in an unfamiliar place, get food in any environment.

Orphans may be widely (but superficially) aware of the sexual side of adult life. Adoptive parents often encounter this problem.

Adaptation period to a new family

When an orphan finds himself in a new family, absolutely everything changes; there are no close people left with him, there is nowhere to expect support and understanding. The feeling of instability during change is experienced to the fullest. And the main thing that burdens him is the understanding that all hopes of returning to his family mom and dad collapsed the moment his new parents took him away. For some time, the child’s mind may form the belief that it was they who finally destroyed his world.

The adaptation process can be short and relatively successful, or it can be protracted and difficult for all participants, so it should be identified as a separate problem.

Legal issues

This aspect cannot be ignored. Abandoned children automatically have a need to solve many problems such as redistributing property, processing payments, protecting them from attacks by blood relatives, and so on. The child does not know what his status is, what payments he is entitled to, what needs to be formalized - all this falls on the shoulders of the adoptive parents. They need to be mentally prepared for various legal difficulties simply because this is a specific feature of orphanhood.

Don’t be afraid of difficulties – you just need to contact specialists in a timely manner to solve them.

Elena Turlina

ENVIRONMENTAL INFLUENCE

The development and formation of the personality of each child depends on the influence of his environment. Very often this influence in childhood plays a decisive role in the entire future fate of a person. Children, along with physical needs, have mental needs, the satisfaction of which is very important for overall development. Observations of infants, that is, in the first months of their life, indicate that a child who is only swaddled and fed, but no one talks to him, no one caresses him or gives him individual attention, is significantly delayed in development. He is apathetic and does not develop normally physically. An opinion may be created about him as a sick child. The same picture is most often presented by infants taken from extremely disadvantaged families. Of course, genetic, that is, hereditary, characteristics borrowed from blood parents also make themselves felt in the development of a child. However, the habits and skills of an adult, his ability to work, love, and treat people kindly, largely depend on the upbringing of a child, especially at a very early age.

Every child first of all needs a mother or a person who completely replaces her. The child's need to constantly experience a positive feeling for the same person, as a rule, is satisfied by the mother. The child also needs an environment that he gradually gets to know, begins to understand and navigate in it. At a very early age, this environment for a child is the family. Over time, his environment grows, but the sense of belonging with loved ones that the family forms is very important for a person.

In some families, children have various toys beyond measure, parents take them on expensive trips, they get everything they want. However, in these same families, children can suffer greatly due to superficial, cold relationships, due to the lack of the necessary cordial and warm atmosphere. For normal personality formation, a child needs to be surrounded by people who would accept him as an individual, with whom he would share the same interests.

A child's mental needs are best met by a good family environment. The family not only provides the child with optimal opportunities for the formation of his personality, but it also naturally introduces him into ever-expanding social relationships and creates the preconditions for his socialization. The child learns to respond to constantly changing social situations. With the help of the mother and other family members in whom the child finds support, he establishes new relationships and takes on certain roles and positions. His confidence, as well as healthy self-confidence, resulting from a strong unity of feelings in the family, facilitates social adaptation in childhood and contributes to subsequent growth and maturity. The various difficulties that an adult has in the social sphere are largely due to the fact that during their childhood these people lived in a conflicting, cold atmosphere or were exposed to different, sometimes contradictory, methods of education in the family. Therefore, a child from a disadvantaged family will develop much better in a child care institution. The methods of raising each child in children's institutions, especially in recent years, are approaching the methods of raising in the family.

Despite the fact that psychological and pedagogical research speaks in favor of the family of origin and adoption, we have to reckon with the fact that orphanages and boarding schools will exist in the future, because there is a need for them. It is necessary to select qualified people who love children and are able to at least partially compensate their parents for the staff of children's institutions. In our country there are such children's institutions that confirm the possibility of creating the most favorable environment for raising children, providing

Living outside the family. The enthusiasm of the employees, their love for children, and the warmth of relationships help children develop successfully, live happily and prepare for the normal life of an adult.

ADOPTED CHILDREN

In our country, adoption is a well-known form of new family care. Relatively many works have been written about the psychological and educational problems of the process of adopting children. However, for public opinion, the adoption of a child most often seems to be an area that has a connotation of something special, even mysterious. Adoption is a problem that is sometimes fraught with wrong views and attitudes, sometimes negatively affecting the relationship between parents and adopted children. Some curious social activists are most interested in the question of how “successful” the adoption was (and the criterion of success is assessed mainly from the point of view of the parents). Is the adopted child grateful enough to his new parents for taking him into their family? It is clear that these are completely inappropriate and incorrect assessments of adoption.

Within the framework of this work, it is not possible to analyze all the criteria for assessing adoption. The main condition: the results of adoption cannot be assessed only from the point of view of the child or only from the point of view of the parents. A family consists of parents and children, they mutually influence each other, and complex relationships are created between them. Even at a very early age, the child is not a passive recipient of stimuli. From an early age, he is a personality, an active member of the family, who exerts his influence on his parents, contributes to the formation of relationships and the general climate in the family. Therefore, an assessment of an adoptive union can only be made taking into account its benefits for both parties.

Adoptive parents benefit from their parenting responsibilities in the same way as natural parents. Raising an adopted child is accompanied by the same difficulties and worries that

They arise when raising your own children. Of course, in a family with an adopted child, special, specific difficulties may arise.

The main problem that arises for many parents who have adopted children is the question: or not to tell the child the truth about his origin? Should a child know that he is not their own? During the period of registration of the adoption of a child, during a psychological examination of the future parents, these issues are discussed in detail. Some spouses decide not to hide anything from the child, others, on the contrary, are going to hide the truth from him and, if possible, keep the secret. Some parents believe that a child should not be kept in the dark, but to tell him the truth, one must find a suitable form and appropriate time. However, later it becomes known that they gradually changed their intentions and moved the time for a frank conversation to a more distant date, when the child grows up. In the end, it is this problem that becomes the source of unnecessary complications in life, often even the cause of serious moral trauma for the child and disruption of his relationship with his parents.

Most adoptive parents are inclined to believe that everything should be hidden from the child, because it is better for the children and parents. Such a problem should be judged very carefully, taking into account only the specific characteristics of the family, the motives for the decision to conceal the truth, the possibility of revealing the secret, etc.

When a child has been in a family since infancy, the family has left the area where he was adopted, somewhere far away, the adoptive parents are indicated as relatives in the child’s birth certificate, then in this case the parents have a feeling of confidence in keeping the secret. In this regard, they consider it unnecessary to inform the child about his origin. However, in reality, they can never be completely sure that the adoption of a child will forever remain a secret.

Of course, there are examples when a person throughout his entire life never learned the details of his birth. However, the question arises: does such a secret make sense, is it equivalent to the lifelong fear of parents who have adopted a child before the possibility of its disclosure, does this secret justify

Moving, changing jobs, parting with relatives, friends, constant desire to avoid meeting people you know? After all, some of these “secrets” of adoption exist only because the adopted child is tactfully silent: he pretends that he knows nothing.

In many families who have adopted a child, the fear of revealing the secret grows over the years. An atmosphere of tension is created every time a child accidentally brings up a topic that is considered “forbidden” for him. From time to time, parents realize that they should have told their child everything, but years have passed, and they never dared or did not find the right moment for such a conversation. Finally, they decide to tell the truth during some special event, for example, when celebrating a coming of age, a wedding, etc. A confused, tearful explanation at the very beginning can be interrupted by a calm remark from an adopted son or daughter: “I’ve known everything for a long time, but I haven’t “He even showed it because he was sparing you, dear mom and dad.”

Unfortunately, news of the truth does not always pass so quietly. Very often, adoptive parents are literally so tormented by fear that their secret may be revealed, that the atmosphere in the family changes, tension and nervousness increases. Moreover, the child may have already been introduced by some “well-wishers” to the history of his origin, and in an extremely inappropriate interpretation. Sometimes this disclosure was facilitated by the ridicule of friends and comrades who heard details at home and learned them from tactless conversations and remarks of adults.

If we take into account that a fairly wide circle of people is usually informed about the adoption of a child, then it is extremely unlikely that the child will never find out about it during his life. It is the knowledge of a tactlessly revealed secret that can cause such trauma, especially in adolescence, that as a result the child may become alienated, relationships with adoptive parents may become complicated, and the entire educational process may be disrupted.

Parents should pay attention to another negative reason for strictly maintaining secrecy about

The origin of the child. When parents prove to everyone at any cost their blood ties with the child, and hide the truth even from the doctor and teacher, then sometimes they harm their child. In the event of possible difficulties in the development and upbringing of a child, a doctor and teacher could perhaps help parents if they knew the situation and circumstances surrounding the birth and early childhood of the child.

The question of whether or not to tell an adopted child the truth is always a dilemma for adoption applicants. In the future, everything depends on the decision of the parents. They have the opportunity to consult with specialists after adoption. However, in such cases it is never possible to give an exact prescription. Experts consider the most appropriate time for a frank conversation to be preschool age, when a child can simply and without embarrassment be explained that he was taken when he was still little, because he did not have his own mother, but they really liked him. Mom and Dad wanted to take care of him, and now he is with them forever.

Sometimes adoptive parents invite the help of a doctor who helped them formalize the adoption of a child. Children of this age react very sensitively, for example, to the fact that the doctor will show the crib on which he was lying, and his mother first saw him here. In most cases, the mention of the birth mother does not affect a preschool child. Perhaps later, years later, he may return to these issues. If parents and child really love each other, then clarifying these issues usually does not disrupt the relationship between them. When a child is warmly and tactfully informed, he will not be thrown off balance by any comments or tactless interventions from strangers. They are overcome by the consciousness of his belonging to his family.

Happy families who adopted one or more children who knew about their origins best prove the point: our own child is the one we care about and love. In the same way, for a child, his own parents are those with whom he finds a sense of love and security, with whom he has a common home and common prospects.

From observations of the lives of adopted children,

The conclusion is absolutely convincing: most of them develop and are brought up very well, although it goes without saying that various kinds of difficulties arise in these families.

However, there are still unsuccessful and unhappy adoptions. They become known in different ways. Sometimes adoptive parents themselves come for examination, and just by the tone in which they speak about the child, their divided and sometimes hostile attitude towards the child is clearly visible. They intensely comment on their adoption, concluding that they can’t do anything, since they got a bad child, he exhibits the characteristics of his parents, etc.

Some adoptive parents become unbalanced due to the fact that the child does not meet their previously created ideas. They demand more from him than he can give, according to his prerequisites. At the same time, his parents do not support him emotionally at all. These parents are usually very strict towards him, especially during puberty, since they do not even try to understand the complexity of the processes occurring in the child’s body during this period of his development. Conflicts begin in the family, which can develop into constant tension and contribute to the collapse of the adoptive union.

When the reasons for less successful and completely unsuccessful adoptions are assessed and examined in detail, one common circumstance is observed: the wrong parents or the wrong child were chosen. Another possible reason: the parents and the child, according to all data, were suitable for adoption, but they were not mutually suitable for each other. Thus, the principle must be observed: a suitable child in a suitable family.

Various errors in the adoption process usually arise, on the one hand, due to an inaccurate and incomplete assessment of the applicants or the child, on the other hand, due to an underestimation of the fact that requires taking into account the family as a whole. It is impossible, for example, to sacrifice adoptive parents and offer them for adoption a child suffering from serious mental disabilities. It is also prohibited to sacrifice children by handing them over for adoption to people who

Those who want to have a child for some reason, although it is quite obvious that they will not be able to give him a happy childhood. Sometimes you have to find out that the decision to adopt was initially made, for example, only by the mother in order to cement a broken marital relationship. The couple began to blame each other, because with the birth of the child they had to some extent lost peace and comfort. They transfer all their dissatisfaction in life and family discord onto their adopted child.

A child cannot be happy in a difficult family environment. He will very quickly begin to develop various difficulties and behavioral disturbances. In such cases, it is necessary to educate and treat the whole family, and not refer to negative qualities in the child’s character.

Let us give two examples from adoption practice, understanding that a brief description of a complex case simplifies the situation to a certain extent. However, perhaps they will provoke a desire for reflection among all those people who communicate with adopted children.

An unmarried woman of about thirty-five years old took in an infant girl. She didn't want to get married. Her decision to adopt a child was the result of careful consideration. The woman's relatives did not object and very favorably accepted the child into their family. The woman was an intelligent, educated person who dreamed of a child. She had all the basic prerequisites for adopting a child. Later she showed herself to be a very good mother.

Despite the fact that the girl was born from a morally neglected mother who had several children and the court deprived her of motherhood, the girl developed very well in her new family, filling the life of not only her mother, but also all her relatives with happiness. However, there was one “but” in this situation: the girl’s adoptive mother decided to hide the truth about her origin, being sure that this would only lead to good. She hadn't completely thought through the whole situation. In preschool age, a girl with natural childish curiosity asked: “Why do other children have dads, but I don’t?” Her mother assured her that it was better for them to live this way, since

She has a very good mother, grandmother, grandfather, uncle (the whole family lived together). Then, for the first time, the woman was overcome by a feeling of great anxiety; she realized that keeping the secret of the real origin of the child would be very difficult and their relationship was in danger.

The family came to the decision to change the area and move to another place of residence, and explain to new acquaintances that the child’s father died when the girl was still very young. Despite the measures taken, tension in the family increased, although everyone tried to pretend that everything was absolutely fine. The family avoided old acquaintances and was afraid of them meeting the child. The nervousness increased when the girl had to go to school. The mother had a hard time deciding to tell the class teacher about her situation and ask her for help. The intelligent and attentive child soon felt that questions about her father were undesirable, so the girl no longer touched on this topic.

However, during adolescence, changes occurred. Questions from classmates about her father and random tactless remarks from some uninformed teachers traumatized the girl, and she suddenly became withdrawn, moved away from her mother, and became irritable. Once, while filling out some form, entering information about her father, she cried and accused her mother of not telling her the whole truth. The family was experiencing great misfortune. Added to this misfortune was the tense relationship between the mother and the rest of the family, who for the first time expressed their doubts to her that she had made a mistake when she took in the girl. They attributed the child's hot-tempered reaction to the negative qualities of his parents. They did not understand that this was a completely natural reaction of a teenager, from whom the identity of his father had been hidden in mysterious silence since early childhood.

Due to lack of sleep and loss of interest in studying, the girl was sent for psychiatric and psychological examinations. After a long and serious conversation with the mother, we managed to find out the true roots of the tension in the family and convince the mother of the need to tell her daughter the whole truth. Experts believed that family relationships and the further formation of the daughter’s personality after graduation

A blood conversation with her will be good. The mother agreed, but asked for help from a psychologist.

Psychotherapeutic observations of the mother and daughter were conducted for six months. As a result, family relations were resolved. After the secret was revealed, the girl’s reaction was quite sharp. However, she showed no interest in her blood parents, she was tormented only by the fact that she had been told lies for so long. Gradually she came to terms with reality, her original deep respect for her mother returned, who also gained confidence, freedom and peace. The whole family felt a beneficial relief.

Thus, after many years of tension, the described incident ended happily just from the mere thought of the possibility of revealing the secret.

The following example shows the need to carefully select people who wish to adopt a child. The main attention should be paid to the need to assess their psychological prerequisites.

Childless spouses aged thirty or forty wanted to adopt a child. This proposal was first made by his wife, a ballet soloist, who, as a result of an injury, could no longer work in her profession. She didn’t get another job, so she felt empty, she missed the noisy, busy life. Her husband worked a lot and was rarely at home. The relationship between the spouses was quite free. He passively agreed with his wife’s proposal to adopt a child. This happened at a time when psychological examinations had not yet been carried out, so psychological criteria were not always taken into account when adopting a child. The couple asked to offer them an older child so that they could “agree” with him. They did not hide their dislike for changing clothes and washing clothes. According to their wishes, they were given a four-year-old boy, very well physically and mentally developed, healthy and handsome, to raise. His mother did not care at all about her four children. She drank alcohol and, while intoxicated, brutally beat children, who were therefore placed in children's institutions, depriving the mother of parental rights.

So, one of the children was adopted by a new family. The woman was delighted with the boy, bought him an excessive amount of toys and clothes, took him for walks, and showed him to everyone she knew. In the first days, the boy seemed fascinated by hitherto unknown things, so everyone admired him as a very sweet and funny child. But very soon there was a chill on both sides. The boy was very sensitive and understood the insincerity in the affection and attention with which the adoptive mother tried to surround the child. Very soon moments began to come when she simply could not bear the child, he was a burden to her. She complained to her husband about the boy's bad manners. The husband did not have any serious feelings towards the boy, but he still tried to explain to his wife that the child was showing the initial influence of a dysfunctional family.

The boy became a “lightning rod” for all the woman’s whims and bad mood. She complained that she got a very bad child, that she was deceived. The housemates paid attention to the strong cry of the child and his words about his desire to leave such a mother.

Fortunately, the adoption had not yet been formalized and the child was returned to the orphanage. He returned with great joy, bitterly telling the children about their bad mother. About a year later, a couple living in the village showed interest in him. Their family already had a daughter, a little older than the boy. He came into contact with this family very slowly, as he was distrustful of the new environment. However, within six months the child adapted well, and strong relationships were created with the adoptive parents and their daughter.

The success of adoption depends primarily on the adoptive parents and the entire atmosphere in the life of the new family. Adoptive parents must love the child, show these feelings from the first days of life together, deepening and expanding emotional relationships. They help solve minor and major educational problems. The cold, too restrained attitude of the parents towards the adopted child, the constant study of the child, the attempt to explain all family troubles to his poor hereditary

This news will inevitably lead to major conflicts. The main thing is that such a family attitude cannot create the basis for raising an independent and happy person. People who want to adopt a child, for example, only for prestigious reasons (almost everyone has children, but we don’t...), that is, for fun, should be decisively excluded from the number of applicants for adoption. Some people want to adopt a child so that in their old age they will have someone to look after them. They should also be excluded from the list of applicants for adoption.

Examples from life confirm that the vast majority of successful adoptions are based on the passionate desire of spouses or a single person to take a child into their family in order to raise him as his own and beloved child. Very often, children are adopted by families that already have children. However, observations show that a large group of adoptive parents are single or divorced women, often unmarried mothers who have other children under their care. Despite the fact that a complete family for raising children undoubtedly has its advantages, since the father plays a large role in the family, single women in the role of educators generally show themselves heroically, completely replacing both the father and the mother for the adopted child. Another important circumstance speaks in favor of such single women who want to raise a child: in recent years, there has been a shortage of suitable applicants for adoption from the male environment. There are significantly more of them among single women. However, women who want to adopt a child must also be subject to appropriate requirements. A woman should be kind, not embittered, independent, with a joyful and courageous outlook on life.

In all cases of adoption, it is necessary to very carefully, sensitively, tactfully and strictly approach the possibilities of a family or single person to take in an orphaned child.

A middle-aged woman, the mother of three sons, dreamed of taking a girl from an orphanage. When she got there, there was no suitable girl, but there was a boy in whom no one showed interest

When choosing a child for adoption. The woman took him into her family, and he became her fourth, and most beloved, son.

In an orphanage for preschool children, there lived a girl who was tortured and isolated from everyone by her own mother until she was four years old. The girl’s development was severely impaired, and teachers and doctors did not expect her to recover. Despite this, one family, warned about everything, decided to adopt the girl. The couple were very kind people; they wanted to help the child forget what he had experienced in his short Life. As a result of very difficult educational work, the child changed so much that he began to attend a normal school, where everyone loved him very much.

However, we also have to face a sad reality. Sometimes educators try to return the child with various excuses or an open statement that they cannot get used to him, that they do not have the strength to raise him, and therefore serious complications are possible with him in the future. This situation greatly traumatizes the child, especially in early and preschool age. Therefore, explanatory work with parents who wish to raise an adopted child is so important before registration for adoption. Sometimes the care authorities, for fear of scaring away such people and contributing to a change in their desires, do not explain to them the full responsibility and seriousness of their decision. However, it is much better for adults, and even more so for a child, not to end up in such a family at all.

The young woman, with the help of her adopted child, wanted to strengthen her life together with her husband. However, the husband did not tolerate all the difficulties associated with caring for the child, so the woman decided for the sake of her husband to return the child back. Fortunately, the baby was taken in by a relative of this family, an elderly kind woman. The transition of a child from one family to another was not difficult for the child, since he had previously met with this woman. The child found himself in a good environment, which provided him with conditions for normal development. However, there are other cases.

The girl was returned to the orphanage before she entered school. She lived with the family for four years. At first, the attitude towards the child was quite normal. When it became clear that the girl would still need special treatment, and therefore in a special school (the couple knew about this when they took the girl), they raised the question of returning the now eight-year-old child to the orphanage.

Such mistakes by adults have a particularly difficult impact on a child during puberty.

The reaction of a child to the family that has adopted him for upbringing is very different, depending on the age, previous experience and characteristics of the child. Observations show that young children learn relatively quickly. Sometimes they have temporary reactions in the form of sleep disturbances, inhibition of behavior, etc. However, with the affectionate and understanding attitude of the people around them, all these phenomena quickly disappear. One of the human needs triumphs: to love and be loved. Educators, especially mothers, truly gain enormous human happiness: the affection of a child.

It is very instructive to observe how some preschool children, who still remembered their original family, show anxiety when moving to a new family environment, even want to run back to the orphanage, because something reminded them of the environment where they were hungry, left alone, where they were punished and beaten. This condition in children quickly passes with a warm and affectionate attitude towards them.

Children who do not remember their original family or who have lived in an orphanage since birth are usually surprised by the peculiarities of their family environment and show curiosity about everything. They may even appropriate toys and other things for themselves without any purpose, without thinking, simply because in a child care institution the child usually does not have his own toys, they are in public use, so there is often “danger” from other children, who can take away his favorite toy.

Many adopted children initially need the constant presence of their mother, holding her hand, not

They even want her to go to another room. Most children who already know how to speak are usually frightened by one careless word, which may suggest a change in their current conditions (when the child is happy in the new family).

Sometimes you can see such a scene near the orphanage. The mother brought the child some time after his adoption to the orphanage at the request of its leaders. The child holds tightly to his mother’s hand, cries and asks to leave quickly. Apparently, these children did not have a very good time in the orphanage. And the new environment replaced their family.

Usually, in the first months of their stay in a new family, children develop surprisingly quickly. At the same time, with the formation of a sense of confidence, with the development of interpersonal relationships, their speech significantly improves and their horizons expand. Some children experience such a rapid leap in development that doctors and teachers could no longer imagine.

One small and constantly sick girl in a children's institution completely stopped in her development. She ate poorly, slept little, did not gain weight, and at two and a half years old she could sit only with the help of support. Mostly she lay down, was completely apathetic to everything, and did not make contact. The girl was taken in by selfless spouses who already had big children. In this family, the girl progressed so much in her development that such a phenomenon has never been observed in practice and has never been found anywhere in the scientific literature. Within a few days the child began to smile and react animatedly to all the people around him. His passivity ended. The girl began to eat and speak well and gained weight. After two months of staying in the family, the child began to walk and developed the ability to play. By the age of four, the girl calmly went to kindergarten.

Parents who have adopted a child must constantly monitor his general development, which greatly depends on the attitude towards him, on the manifestation of emotional feelings, and, first of all, feelings of love. However, following

It is also important to pay attention to the danger of spoiling a child, since he may find himself in the position of the first child or the youngest in the family, surrounded by excessive tenderness.

Gradually, the child becomes a member of the family and the entire family environment. He has his own aunts, grandmothers, grandfathers, cousins, brothers, who, however, cannot always accept him kindly. Sometimes grandparents express their protest to a “strange” child, but the baby usually “bribes” them with his spontaneity and affection.

In some families, it happens that after the initial delight from the accelerated development of the child, a certain cooling begins to be observed, uncertainty about the correctness of upbringing, and sometimes fatigue from the very exhausting work associated with caring for the child. At this time, parents most need the help of social care authorities. They need support and advice, an explanation of those characteristics of the child that cause the greatest concern.

The next stage of difficulties in the life of a family usually occurs when the child enters school. In some children, this only manifests itself in slightly weakened attention or poor adaptation to school conditions. However, such phenomena occur in many first-graders, regardless of their origin. Such shortcomings are overcome relatively easily, especially in cases where the teacher takes into account the fate of the child, who, compared to other children, had worse conditions for his development in early childhood.

The life of those educators whose children cannot study in a regular school because of their reduced mental abilities is more difficult. They are transferred to a special school. Most often, they study better at this school and after graduating they have the opportunity to learn some kind of craft in order to benefit society.

When assessing the general development of adopted children, one should not forget about the formation and dynamics of development of relationships in the family: the attitude of parents to children and, conversely, children to parents. It is also very important to

Matching adopted children to their caregivers' natural children (and vice versa). Good, normal family relationships allow for effective educational guidance of children during the most critical periods of their development.

In those families where relationships are broken, conflict situations usually arise with the upbringing of the child when he enters adolescence and adolescence. Prerequisites arise that after the child comes of age, his relationship with his family will cease and the young man will be left alone (and perhaps with unwanted company with which he has been spending his time for a long time).

Observations show that the development of adopted children in the overwhelming majority of cases is very successful; they are no different from children who grow up in their families of origin.

The newborn girl was taken from her very primitive parents, who had been convicted several times, and placed in an institution for infants. She was seriously developmentally delayed. In the orphanage for young children, this lag deepened even more. Her speech did not develop at all. Due to a delay in general development, it was not possible to give the girl up for adoption. There was no exact information about her parents, so it was impossible to establish the reasons for the child’s sad state. Perhaps it depended on unfavorable genetic preconditions, perhaps on environmental influences in the first months of the baby’s life, or perhaps due to poor general physical condition. Despite the efforts of all the staff at the orphanage, the girl’s health deteriorated.

However, there were people who agreed to take the girl into their family. The child quickly adapted to the new environment, began to smile and transformed into a sweet, affectionate baby, as he found himself in a calm family atmosphere. The girl’s successful general physical and mental development stimulated the whole family to take even greater care of her. When a few months later the parents came with the girl to the orphanage, everyone there was surprised by her excellent condition and strong attachment to her new parents.

By the age of three, the child had regained his normal development. The whole family and those closest to them

The relatives loved the girl very much. However, some residents of the village where this family had settled long ago accepted the girl somewhat uncertainly, even negatively. Some people did not understand why the couple took an underdeveloped child into the family. However, the parents and the girl herself managed to overcome all difficulties. They did not pay attention to the conversations of uncultured people. The girl grew up in an atmosphere of respect for her personality, complete understanding and sympathy. She attended a regular school, studied well, was happy in her family, so her condition was not affected by the initial attitude of neighbors and acquaintances in the village.

Some childless spouses sometimes deliberately take into their family a child with a serious developmental disability in the hope that they will help the sick child recover and become a full-fledged person. Observations indicate that in children who live in a good and calm environment, even the illness of their parents, such as schizophrenia, does not manifest itself at all. At the same time, in children brought up in an environment of conflict and anxiety, these diseases can occur regardless of the health status of their blood parents.

An infant girl was taken in by young childless spouses who dreamed of having a child. They knew that the child was born to a mother with schizophrenia. The father was unknown. From the first days of his life, the child was in an orphanage for infants. The girl was significantly behind in her development. The couple were informed that the child's mother had a serious mental illness, which could also affect the child. This information did not influence their decision. They were of the opinion that the girl would be their daughter and if she got sick, she would need them more than a healthy child. However, these good people also believed that a calm, good environment in their family would prevent the onset of the disease.

The parents' assumptions were justified. The child developed normally. This example suggests that a properly and benevolently organized educator

Process m

can drown out very many possible

Hereditary diseases.

Let us give another example that convincingly proves the beneficial influence of maternal love and the importance of a good family environment on the mental development of a child.

Two twin boys' mothers died of heart disease shortly after their birth. Until the age of eleven months, the boys were in an institution for infants, where they developed physically and mentally in accordance with their age. Then the children’s father gave them away from the children’s institution to be raised by his relatives, who were unable (most likely, did not want) to take care of the children, so the kids again ended up in an orphanage for small children. When the boys were eighteen months old, their father took them in because he had married again. His new wife also had two children. The resulting family consisted of four children.

A very difficult life began for the boys. For some time, the twins were socially isolated, they were constantly alone in an unheated and unequipped room. They were often locked in a dark basement and beaten. Neighbors began to suspect the treatment of their father and stepmother's children. Neighbors reported the situation of the twin boys to the relevant organizations.

During the judicial investigation, it turned out that the boys' father was completely passive in their upbringing. He worked on the railroad and was often away from home. He showed no interest in the children, but punished them only to please his cold, selfish and cruel wife, who hated the twins, abused them, and brought their health to a terrible state.

The public was shocked and outraged by the results of the investigation. The trial attracted enormous attention. He again confirmed that there are still such natural fathers as in the example given. Their children should be officially taken away from such parents so that they can be raised in children's institutions in peace.

The twin boys were treated for a long time, although traces of rickets disappeared slowly. The level of their development at eight years is

His age corresponded approximately to the developmental level of a four-year-old child. Until the age of nine they were in an orphanage for preschool children. The question arose about their future fate. Psychological examinations of children noted the possibility of improving their health, but it was obvious that a prerequisite for this was individual and constant care in a family setting. It was very difficult to find such a family. As a result of shared difficult experiences, the twins were very strongly attached to each other, so they could not be given to different families. After a photo of the children was published in one of the magazines, several families expressed a desire to take them in. However, truly human interest, courage and the necessary tolerance were demonstrated by one woman who took in the boys when they were less than nine years old. What this brave woman was able to do in raising twin boys is true heroism, proof of folk wisdom: it is not the mother who gave birth, the real mother is the one who raised.

Life confirms: many adoptive mothers can perform maternal responsibilities better than some natural mothers.

The twins went to school for the first time only at the age of nine, that is, after joining a new family. They began to attend a special school because they were significantly behind in their development. Speech development was especially low. The teacher at the special school managed to improve them enough that after the holidays the boys were able to move on to the second grade of a regular school. They made great progress in the family. Their intellectual development was on the path of a sharp rise, which was facilitated not only by speech therapy treatment. Speech development was stimulated primarily by a joyful family environment. The boys formed strong emotional relationships with their adoptive mother. However, they suffered for quite a long time from the thought that they might be given to that “evil woman,” as they called their stepmother. Only after a long time were the children able to tell something from their past, which was quite consistent with the data of the trial. However, they did not like to remember the past, did not want to name fa-

Milia was their natural father and were happy when they were allowed to bear the surname of their new parents.

The twin boys graduated well from school thanks to the courage and kindness of people who took a heartfelt part in the fate of the two children.

MAIN PSYCHOLOGICAL AND PEDAGOGICAL PROBLEMS IN THE EDUCATION OF ADOPT CHILDREN

The problems of raising and developing adopted children are quite complex, so we recommend that adoptive parents follow literature, radio and television programs that are devoted to raising children in the family. The problems and difficulties that arise in raising adopted children are, in the main social directions, the same as those that arise when raising natural children. You should consult with specialists more often about raising a child.

Suppose a couple or a single woman, having thoroughly thought through everything, decided to take a child into their family. They dream about their future baby. All the documents have already been collected, all that remains is to choose a child. Each case of adoption or guardianship is responsibly and carefully examined by the relevant organizations that study the child, his family situation, physical and mental condition. Then the documentation of future educators is examined in detail, mainly the results of their psychological examination, as well as the wishes that they express regarding the child.

Applicants can see the child recommended to them in advance; this usually happens in the Orphanage. Getting to know a child comes with many difficulties. Adoptive mothers most often claim that they fell in love with the child at first sight, that he instantly “sank into their soul.” However, in reality, feelings develop and deepen as a result of living together, they do not arise immediately and suddenly at the first meeting. Of course, instant sympathy for a child is a good prerequisite for

Further development of relations, but it cannot be guided alone. Parents need to listen to the advice of specialists who know the child. If there is a choice between two or more children recommended by experts, then in this case you can be guided by your first impression and first feeling of delight with the child.

Some people who want to foster a child judge him by his external appearance, without taking into account his previous experiences. Children taken into orphanages from disadvantaged families are usually weak, suffering from malnutrition, uncleanliness of their parents, chronic runny nose, etc. They do not have the serious eyes of a child, they are scared and withdrawn. Among them there are apathetic, dull children, some of them, on the contrary, are very restless, annoyingly imposing contact with adults. However, in a family, sooner or later these characteristics of neglected children disappear; children change so much that it is difficult to recognize them. It is clear that we are not talking about beautiful new clothes, which are usually prepared in sufficient quantity for welcoming a child. We are talking about its general appearance, its relationship to the environment. After just a few months of living in a good new family, the child looks like a confident, healthy, cheerful and joyful person.

Some doctors and psychologists are of the opinion that it is better not to tell new parents much about the fate and blood parents of the child, so as not to harass them and force them to live in anxiety, in anticipation of some undesirable manifestations in the child. Some adoptive parents themselves refuse to receive information about the child, assuming that without it they will become more attached to him. However, based on practical experience, we advise you to find out all the basic information about the child. First of all, we advise you to find out about the child’s capabilities and prospects, about his skills, needs and difficulties in raising him. This information should not alarm new parents or cause them any anxiety. On the contrary, this data should give them confidence that nothing will surprise them and they will not learn something that parents usually know about their own child. The awareness of educators should facilitate the rapid selection of their correct position in relation to

Thinking about the child, choosing the right method of education, which will help them form a realistic, optimistic view of the child and the process of his upbringing.

So, the adopted child came to a new family. This significant and joyful event is at the same time a serious test. If there are other children in the family, then the parents usually do not expect complications; they are calm, as they rely on their existing experience of upbringing. Nevertheless, they too may be unpleasantly surprised and disoriented by, for example, the fact that the child does not have hygiene skills or has trouble falling asleep, wakes up the whole family at night, that is, requires a lot of patience, attention and care from parents. Some parents, unfortunately, react to this first critical moment with phrases with a sigh: “Can our Yurka be compared to him at this age, what did he not know how to do!” or “Oh, no, she won’t be like Evochka. You can’t even compare them.” Such sighs are probably justified. In this case, children really cannot be compared with each other and wish that they have the same level of development. However, sighing and saying such things in front of children is very dangerous for the entire future life together.

If parents do not have children, then the situation arises somewhat different. Usually, educators who have never had children of their own study many articles and brochures before adopting, but they look at everything only “theoretically”, with a certain concern for practice.

The first adopted child poses many more tasks for parents than the first natural child, since the adopted child surprises with his habits and requirements, because he has not lived in this family since the day of his birth. Educators of an adopted child face a difficult task: to understand the child’s individuality. You cannot shower him with tenderness beyond all measure, especially since until now he has not seen them at all. It is also impossible to introduce the child to all relatives at once. First, he should be given time to become as familiar as possible with his home environment. The smaller the child, the sooner he gets used to the life of a new family. However, the attitude towards the family of an adopted child is initially wary, primarily due to

His worries about losing his family. This feeling occurs even in children of that age at which they cannot yet fully understand this feeling and speak about it in words.

The process of an adopted child’s integration into a family depends on the personality of the parents, on the general family atmosphere, as well as on the child himself, primarily on his age, character and previous experience. Young children, up to about two years old, quickly forget about their previous surroundings. Adults quickly develop a warm attitude towards a small child.

Children from two to five years old remember more; some things remain in their memory for the rest of their lives. The child relatively quickly forgets the environment of the orphanage. If he became attached to some teacher there, then he can remember her for quite a long time. Gradually, the new teacher, that is, his mother, becomes the closest person to him in her daily contact with the child. A child's memories of his family of origin depend on the age at which he was taken from that family.

In most cases, children retain bad memories of the parents who left them, so at first they are distrustful of all adults in the family that adopted them. Some children take a defensive position, some show a tendency to deception, to rude behavior, that is, to what they saw around them in their own family. However, there are children who remember with sadness and tears their parents, even those who abandoned them, most often their mother. For educators, this child’s condition causes anxiety: will this child get used to them?

Such fears are unfounded. If a child in his memories shows a positive attitude towards his birth mother, then it would be absolutely wrong to correct his views or express displeasure in this regard. On the contrary, we should be glad that the child’s feelings were not dull, because his mother at least partially satisfied his basic physical and mental needs. For example, a three-year-old child reacts positively to the closeness of his mother, who feeds him and occasionally kisses and caresses him. He naturally

He cannot judge her character, lifestyle, and especially her illegal actions.

In cases where the mother satisfies the child’s needs only partially, the intensity of these needs increases, and therefore the child strives in various ways to attract the mother’s attention and earn her favor. Therefore, in an orphanage you may encounter a child who is really looking forward to his mother and is sad about her, although due to his mother’s poor care he was taken from the family. It is good when children find themselves in a new family after a short stay in an orphanage.

You can ignore the child’s memories of his family. In response to his possible questions, it is better, without remembering his own mother, to say that he now has a new mother who will always take care of him. This explanation, and most importantly a friendly, affectionate approach, can calm the child. After some time, his memories will fade and he will become deeply attached to his new family.

Children over five years old remember a lot from their past. Schoolchildren have especially rich social experience, since they had their own teachers and classmates. If from the day of his birth the child was under the care of certain child care institutions, then adoption is at least the fifth life situation for him. This certainly disrupted the formation of his personality. If a child lived in his own family until he was five years old, then the situations he experienced left a certain mark that must be taken into account when eliminating various undesirable habits and skills. From the very beginning, the upbringing of such children must be approached with greater tolerance, consistency, consistency in relationships, and understanding. Under no circumstances should you resort to cruelty. You cannot squeeze such a child into the framework of your ideas, insist on demands that exceed his capabilities.

School performance usually improves after moving into a family, as children want to please their parents. You can observe in adopted children who enjoy living in a new family the ability to suppress their memories of their family of origin and the orphanage. They don't like to talk about the past. If this is discussed, they pretend or specially emphasize

They claim that they don’t remember anything at all. However, adults should not forget that a child remembers much more than it seems. Sometimes, after a long time, he can surprise them with the memory of a fact that he seemed to have long forgotten.

Educators usually face the question: to tell or not to tell a child about his origin. This does not apply to children who came to the family at an age when they remember all the people who surrounded them in early childhood. With a very young child, adoptive parents are often tempted to keep silent about his past. The views of specialists and the experience of adoptive parents clearly indicate that there is no need to hide anything from the child (this has already been discussed above). When the very fact of adoption is spoken of as something self-evident, calmly, in accordance with the child’s ability to correctly understand this fact, then its content is accepted completely calmly, since for a child’s parents are the people who care about him and love him. Moreover, the awareness and understanding of an informed child can subsequently protect him from any tactless remark or hint from others, and preserve his confidence in his family.

It is also necessary to answer openly and truthfully to children who want to know about their place of birth.

A child may not return to this topic for a long time, and then suddenly he develops a desire to find out details about his past. This is not a symptom of a weakening relationship with parents. Even less such curiosity is a desire to return to the original family. This is a natural desire to connect together all the facts known to him, to realize the continuity of his development as a person.

The manifestation of emerging social consciousness quite naturally appears, as a rule, after eleven years.

When adults talk to a child about his past, under no circumstances should they speak disparagingly about his family. The child may feel insulted. However, he must clearly know why he could not remain among his former environment, that his adoption by another family was his salvation.

A school-age child is able to understand his

Life situation. If the child does not understand it, you can get into a difficult situation. This is especially true for pedagogically ignorant educators. The child may react chaotically, with dissatisfaction to manifestations of pity for him, tenderness, and have difficulty enduring the demands of his parents. It is even possible, due to the demands placed on him, usual for a normal family, that he may yearn for his past, regardless of the suffering he has experienced. In that family, he was free from responsibilities and was not responsible for his actions. When talking with a child about his past, it is necessary to show skill: tell him the whole truth and not offend him, help him understand everything and comprehend it correctly. The child must internally agree with reality, only then will he not return to it.

It is advisable to start creating “traditions” with the child’s arrival in the family, which will help strengthen his attachment to the new family (for example, an album with photographs). The creation of family traditions is facilitated by the celebration of a child’s birthday, since previously he hardly knew about such joyful experiences.

In this regard, we advise you to pay attention to mutual requests. In most cases, children call their teachers the same as their parents: mom, dad, or as is customary in the family. Young children are taught conversion. They repeat it after their older children, feeling an inner need for it. We do not recommend forcing older children who have already approached their natural parents in this way. They will gradually do it themselves over time. In rare cases, the child addresses his adoptive mother and father as “aunt” and “uncle.” This is possible, for example, in children about ten years old who loved and remember their late mother well. It is quite clear that the stepmother, no matter how well she treats the children, will not be able to call them mother for a long time.

If a family that wishes to adopt a child has small children, then they must be prepared before the arrival of the adopted son or daughter. Without preparation, young children can become very jealous of a new family member. Much depends on the mother, on her ability to calm her children. If natural children have already reached adolescence, then they should be informed about the parents’ desire to take in another child.

They usually look forward to the arrival of a new family member in the future. It is completely inappropriate to talk about the shortcomings of an adopted son or daughter in the presence of your children, appreciating his imperfections with a sigh.

So, we have noted the first critical point, which consists in stating a fact: the child differs from the idea of ​​him that is created in the minds of the parents. Perhaps that is why he will be a lot of trouble. There are also other critical moments, but is it possible to do without them in any family?

Raising children requires parents and teachers to solve many problems, questions, and find new ways. The development of some children proceeds relatively calmly, while others develop so rapidly that difficulties and problems constantly arise. Children taken into foster care, after overcoming the difficulties of mutual adaptation, as a rule, begin a joyful period of rapid development and the formation of emotional connections. It is advisable for a child under the age of three to be raised by his mother, since after all the experiences he needs to calm down and get along with his family. It is possible that his stay in the nursery will complicate or disrupt the important process of forming the relationship between mother and child. When the child fully adapts to the family, he can attend kindergarten. For many educators, this period brings about another critical moment: the child comes into contact with the children's team. For children who did not attend kindergarten, this critical moment occurs at the beginning of school, when the child finds himself in a wider social environment.

It is in the best interests of the children that parents need to work closely with kindergarten teachers and teachers. It is advisable to introduce them to the fate and previous development of the adopted child, ask them to pay a little more attention to him, adhering to an individual approach. If a child is being observed by a psychologist, then teachers, first of all the class teacher, must be informed about this, because the psychologist will also need the teacher’s information. In collaboration with the school doctor, they will take care of the child's further development.

In preschool age, children usually have fewer serious problems. Sometimes due to a time lag

When speaking, children encounter language difficulties in a children's group because they cannot understand each other. We need to pay attention to this and correct it if possible.

Before entering school, children undergo a medical examination. If the doctor and psychologist who are monitoring the child, after an examination, advise sending him to school only after a year, then, of course, you should not resist this advice. It must be borne in mind that enrollment in school is sometimes postponed for various reasons, even for natural children who had incomparably better conditions for development. Such a decision will help level out the lag in the child’s overall development and create conditions for building self-confidence. The child will then be able to master school material better without stress. The possibility of completely correcting a child’s pronunciation and diction before entering school should not be underestimated. We advise you to visit a speech therapist with your child before school.

Some children, before entering school, exhibit very specific signs of health and development that indicate the need for their education in a special school. However, sometimes they try to teach them in a regular school first and only then transfer them to a special school. When a child taken into a family experiences a similar situation, some caregivers, warned about this possibility even before the child was handed over to them, panic from disappointment. It `s naturally. All parents try to ensure that their child achieves as much as possible. However, what is more and what is better?

When a child is overloaded in a regular school without taking into account his physical and mental capabilities, then, despite all efforts, he will have low academic performance, he will be forced to repeat the second year, and therefore he will not experience the joy of learning, since he developed a negative attitude towards school and education in general. In a special school, the same child may become a good student without much effort, excel in manual labor, in physical exercise, or demonstrate his artistic abilities. Inclusion in the labor process of a student who has graduated from a completely special school,

It happens much easier than for a student who dropped out of school in the sixth or seventh grade of a regular school.

After a child is enrolled in school (no matter which one), new worries arise in the family. In some families, they are more attentive to their children’s academic performance, while others are more attentive to their behavior, since some children have problems with learning, while others have problems with behavior. Academic performance must be judged from the point of view of the child's abilities. We advise you to talk about this with a psychologist, consult with a teacher, so that you know what the child is capable of. There is no need to be too pedantic when assessing the behavior of an adopted child. It is known that our own children present some “surprises” from time to time. It is important to form in a child a sense of responsibility, an honest attitude towards work, towards people, to cultivate such moral qualities as truthfulness, devotion, responsibility, which we strive to develop in children in our socialist society.

It is necessary to set educational goals in the everyday life of the family in the form of small, specific tasks for the child. Sometimes an angry parent, discussing with his adopted child some of his misconduct, in a fit of indignation makes a big mistake: he reproaches the child, reminding him that he cannot afford something, since the order in this house is not the same as in his home, that he now lives in a decent family, etc. There is no need to emphasize what harm such speeches cause to education. A child can become so embittered against a parent who brings up his past that he commits a serious offense.

In any case, parents are saved by calmness and prudence, thoughtfulness of the thoughts expressed, and the desire to help the child correct his mistakes.

Some parents entrust their children to their closest relatives, mainly grandparents, to raise them. Experience shows that these related ways of upbringing sometimes differ from upbringing in other people's families. The fact that relatives know the child and he more or less knows their family situation is a definite advantage when deciding the child’s fate. If these relatives still have

If you have a good attitude towards the child’s parents, they will treat the child the same way. In practice, cases are more common when we are talking about maternal educators: for example, a child is born to a too young girl who later marries and starts her own family. Therefore, her first child, whose father is unknown, remains with the mother's parents, who justify their daughter's behavior and maintain a good relationship with her.

However, it happens that the natural mother (married or unmarried) does not care about her child at all, and therefore the family of the child’s father took him in.

Many people think that an orphaned or abandoned child will be much better off in the family of relatives of his parents. It doesn't always happen like this. Experience confirms the opinion that selfless people, having achieved amazing results in raising children with severe disabilities, are very often found in families that are completely alien to the child, because they have taken the position of truly natural parents in the best sense of these words.

When a child is placed in the care of relatives, it is also necessary to carefully weigh all the conditions of their life and require a psychological examination.

It is possible that a mother’s cold and even cruel attitude towards her child and her inability to raise him are largely due to the fact that she lived her childhood in an unfavorable family environment. Is there any guarantee in this case that the maternal grandparents will be able to raise their grandson well? Of course not. They could not raise their daughter to be an honest and kind person.

However, there are cases when grandparents (grandparents) understand the mistakes made when raising their children, and therefore strive to raise their grandchildren correctly.

The main task of targeted, qualified assistance to grandparents raising grandchildren is to explain their functions. They should become parents for the child, not grandparents. And the point here is not at all what the child calls them. The main mistake is the desire of the ancestors

Give your grandchildren everything that they did not give to their child, that is, to the father or mother of the grandson. They try to “make up for this gap in their lives” with toys, excessive affection and pampering their grandchildren. These shortcomings in upbringing can especially manifest themselves in the child’s adolescence and young adulthood.

Consequently, one cannot rashly decide on the issue of raising an orphaned or abandoned child, even when he has grandparents. However, we must keep in mind that grandparents can be truly good educators.

HELP FOR FAMILIES, SINGLE PERSONS WHO HAVE ADOPTED A CHILD

A characteristic feature of adoption in our country is that the socialist state helps these families financially and morally. Specialists conduct constant monitoring of the upbringing of adopted children, provide certain support and methodological guidance, and conduct systematic research observations of the physical, mental and moral development of adopted children.

In the past, there were no special counseling institutions for families who had adopted a child. Citizens to whom the court entrusted custody of a child had no opportunity to consult with specialists on the problems of raising a stepchild. These families usually closed themselves in a narrow circle with their problems; in extreme cases, they shared their difficulties with the pediatrician.

Currently, parents can seek advice and help from psychological and pedagogical consultations. In order to provide qualified assistance to caregivers, groups began to be created, which primarily include children's doctors, psychologists and social security workers. So far, lawyers and teachers are represented in smaller numbers, although their cooperation is absolutely necessary. In regions and districts of the country, these specialists are included in advisory councils that make decisions about children raised outside their family. These councils work closely with orphanages.

In advisory councils, an important and indispensable member of the group is a psychologist, since his diagnostic and advisory functions are necessary in resolving issues.

Psychological diagnostic service is necessary both for children and applicants for guardianship and adoption. In children, a psychologist must determine the level of mental development, assess the extent to which the child’s retardation (if any) is due to external factors (for example, a poor family environment) or internal ones (poor physical condition, serious illnesses, disorders of the central nervous system, etc.). The task of the psychologist is also to determine, in collaboration with the pediatrician (or other specialists), possibilities for correcting deficiencies in the child’s general development, and to look for ways to eliminate them. The point is that the psychologist first of all tries to determine the prospects for the child’s development.

A qualified psychological report is a serious basis for making a decision about the fate of a child. It can only be compiled by a psychologist who has certain practical experience in working with children, is aware of the full responsibility of his conclusion and approaches it not only from a scientific, research point of view, but also from an ethical and universal position.

Observing a child and ascertaining his characteristics without taking into account previous living conditions, without assessing the dynamics, quality of achievements and shortcomings in his development can lead to a serious mistake, for example, a healthy child can be attributed to serious deviations in mental development. Such imprisonment may forever deprive the child of the opportunity to join a new family.

A psychologist's opinion should help people choose an environment for an orphaned child that would optimally help his development.

Applicants who wish to foster a child also undergo a psychological examination. However, many people are surprised and even feel insulted that they have to undergo a psychological examination. This position

This has many reasons. There is also a fairly widespread misconception that a psychologist, by offering some kind of test, will find out who is how smart. Some people are afraid of this "exam". There is hostility towards psychological examination among some men who agreed to take a child into their family, but refused to go for examination. Finally, some people are put off by the fact that the examination of applicants is carried out by a psychologist from the consultation, who, of course, also deals with marital problems and conflicts. In this regard, some men and especially women worry that their visit to counseling can be explained as a certain crisis in their marital life.

If a couple or a single person really wants to have a child in their family and are reasonable people, then they easily understand the importance and necessity of a psychological examination. If applicants abandon their plan to take a child into the family only because they do not want to undergo a psychological examination, then it is obvious that their need to have a child is not strong enough, and perhaps not sincere. In such a case, it will be much better if these people abandon their intention.

A psychological examination, carried out in the form of a conversation with each spouse separately, and then with both together, is primarily aimed at finding out the motives for the decision to take a child into the family. The psychologist assesses how well thought out this step is, whether it is an instant decision under the influence of delight, for example, after watching some television program or seeing orphanage children on a walk, etc. Next, the psychologist determines how much the applicant has the qualities and teacher's abilities. It, of course, excludes people who are unbalanced, degraded, with mental disorders, with tendencies to impulsive actions, alcoholism, etc.

However, there are people who are quite normal at first glance, but who have qualities that prevent the possibility of handing over a child to them to raise. Mostly they are self-centered, too secretive

New, sensually cold, angry, unkind people who, as a rule, have a stable, precise idea of ​​what their child should be like, what methods they will use to raise him so that he strictly fits into their scheme. If in the future the child did not meet the ideas of these people, and their methods had no effect on the child at all, then severe tension arose in the family. This situation most often led to a failed adoption, and in general to a very difficult situation. After a detailed examination of such a family, it usually turned out that the mistake was not at all that they got a “bad” child, which they try to convince everyone around them, but about themselves, in their attitude towards the child. When finding out the motives that led these people to adopt a child, it most often becomes clear that they were driven by the desire to provide themselves with an heir or to have a child, since everyone has children, to have someone who would help in old age, etc. Their motives do not include the dream of a child as the goal of their life, there is no desire to provide a happy home environment for an orphaned or abandoned child.

The tasks of a psychological examination also include diagnosing the relationship between spouses, ascertaining the consistency in their views, the balance of their marriage, the harmony of the family environment, etc. Clarity in such matters is an important prerequisite for the successful development of the child. A relatively common situation occurs in which a childless woman, feeling her husband’s cooling towards her, the emptiness of her life, or having information about her husband’s infidelity, decides to raise a child. With the help of the child, the woman hopes to improve the family situation. According to life experience, the situation does improve, but this is most often an imaginary and short-term impression. Very soon, the troubles and concerns of taking care of the child further aggravate the fragile relationship between the spouses and an open conflict breaks out, which can lead to divorce. Such a family situation has a detrimental effect on the child.

Psychological consultations and examinations when choosing children and caregivers are primarily related to diagnostic activities. Many adoptive parents gratefully accept the help of psychologists -

Specialists. However, some parents fear that turning to a psychologist will reveal, for example, their secret about adoption, which they keep strictly secret from others and from their child. Perhaps they are afraid that an unfamiliar psychologist will misunderstand the reason for their request for consultation, etc. Therefore, the most justified method of work is the constant care of one psychologist who has known the family and child since the day of adoption.

A consultation with such a psychologist cannot be compensated for by any examinations by specialists who are not familiar in detail with the general development of the child and are not informed about the life of the family. A psychologist who constantly observes this family gradually becomes its first adviser in various difficult situations, which, as a rule, any family cannot completely avoid. The ideal case is when a psychologist takes part in considering all the important problems in the life of an adopted child, for example, his admission to kindergarten, enrollment in school, and later – the choice of a profession, a higher educational institution, etc.

In our country, methodological assistance to all parents is constantly expanding. Particular attention is paid to helping parents of adopted children. Lectures are organized for them in the presence of specialists and senior officials who can answer various questions on educational issues.

For psychologists, observing the upbringing of orphaned and abandoned children is a lot of creative work. It brings unique joy when a psychologist encounters the amazing successes of these children and their excellent overall development.

True happiness is gained by a person who sees a once disadvantaged child as a joyful, healthy, thriving person who has known a happy childhood thanks to the kindness, love for him and the great citizenship of adults who once accepted a step-child into their family.;