How to live with an unloved husband. How to live with an unloved person If you live with an unloved one

What pushes women into marriage with an unloved man? If we talk at the level of external reasons, the answer is obvious: firstly, the instinctive need at a certain age to start a family and give birth to a child. No matter how highly organized creatures we are, instincts have power over us, and therefore nature sometimes “demands” procreation. Not every woman manages to “agree” with this requirement. But love still did not happen or failed, another did not come for it.

And if a woman is already approaching 30 or over 30, then she often begins to think that maybe she shouldn’t wait at all. The candidate for husband is the one who, as a rule, likes the woman and seeks her out, or the one who considers her simply suitable and strong feelings are not necessary.

It happens that a woman is not sure that she needs marriage at all now, but relatives and friends, seeing the advances of a “decent guy,” literally put pressure on her, instilling fears: “what if the kind of love that you are waiting for does not happen, look how good man, they may not ask you to get married again!”

Social factors are often included here: for example, a girl’s parental family lives poorly and overcrowded, getting married is a way to escape from her parental family, a way to somehow improve her financial situation.

Very often they enter into alliances with unloved people after experiencing unhappy love, having become disillusioned and having lost faith in their feelings, they try to simply “arrange life” - to make it comfortable, calm, pleasant. And for this purpose, they deliberately choose a partner for whom there will be moderate attraction, but not crazy passion. Thus, insuring yourself from another disappointment. The last reason, by the way, pushes men into similar unions.

Now let’s talk about what deep-seated reasons lead to such a life scenario, because the fact that love “did not come” or “failed” is not accidental.

Fear. Often the scenario of marriage with an unloved person is unconsciously chosen by those who are afraid to love. The reasons for this fear can be different - emotional coldness in the parental family, a negative reaction of parents to the manifestations of the child’s feelings, one-sided relationships in the family, when the child is constantly not given affection and love, while something is constantly demanded of him.

As a result, growing up, a person develops the habit of not even suppressing his feelings, but simply not noticing them. By blocking his feelings at a very early stage of their occurrence, he actually prevents any mutual love from happening. And then the mind kicks in and says that you shouldn’t wait for love.

In this scenario, a person tries harder at the level of interpersonal relationships. “I want to be loved, but I won’t!” - the revenge of an unloved child on the world, now he can stand in the position of a person from whom love is begged, now he is free to punish and have mercy, thereby rising above the past, where he stood in the position of a supplicant.

All this, of course, happens unconsciously in most cases.

Anastasia, 39 years old. At the age of 26, she married a colleague who had been pursuing her for a long time. She didn’t love her, but she knew that he loved her. I thought that was enough. A year and a half later, she gave birth, and for this purpose she could have sex with her husband as much as he wanted, but after the birth of the child, she lost interest in intimate life. And the husband, experiencing a passionate attraction to her and not receiving an answer, began to drink more and more often. She came to the consultation when she realized that sexuality had awakened in her, but she could not realize it with her husband - she initially did not have a strong attraction to him, and even more so since he began to drink. Analyzing the relationships in her parental family, we noted two key points: Anastasia’s mother harshly reprimanded her for any manifestations of feelings, despised “calf tenderness” and was generally quite harsh with the child. According to the mother, this was the only way she could raise a daughter who would become independent. From men, first of all. The second point is that little Nastya always had to “beg” for any toy, treat or entertainment. The mother believed that the more a child is taught to be content with less, the more opportunities there will be in the future; it will be easier for an undemanding and economical person to live. In addition to the need to deal with grievances against her mother, Anastasia now has a lot of questions: “will I be able to love,” “how to build my life further,” “what to do with my son,” and also a huge feeling of guilt in front of her husband.

Uncertainty. Such a person can be as sensitive as he likes, but at the same time deeply unsure of his own importance and right to the benefits of life. Uncertainty can be formed from similar factors - criticism, lack of warmth or refusal of affection, ignoring the interests of the child. But, as a rule, feelings are not suppressed, and it is not fear that arises, but a persistent feeling of one’s own insignificance. It is precisely such a woman who can marry “out of desperation,” being convinced that nothing better “shines for her,” and she herself will not achieve anything without a husband. Or first, unhappy love, disappointment happens in her life, and then such a “compensatory” marriage, where perhaps she is loved, but not at all in the way she herself would like. And most often, in marriages with such women, it happens from the man’s side.

If emotionally cold, “unapproachable” women, as in the first case, sometimes arouse the passions of a certain type of man, then insecure women often push men to exploit them. A cold woman takes revenge and is not afraid to be left alone, for her it is more terrible to feel than to be alone, for an insecure woman it is more terrible to be left alone, because she perceives herself as “zero without a stick.”

The results of such marriages vary. It all depends on what will prevail in a person over the years: the need to love or feelings of fear and uncertainty. This struggle still has an ending: either fears go away over the years, feelings awaken, confidence comes, or vice versa - fears take root and uncertainty deepens. If development follows the second scenario, the marriage will be strong, but most likely unhappy - both partners will experience a lack of warmth to one degree or another. If it follows the first path, then the divorce of such spouses is a matter of time. And if you are going to marry someone you don’t love, first of all think about: for what reasons could you be so “unlucky” that mutual love did not happen? And aren't you in a hurry? After all, your fears and insecurities may disappear, but remaking a life in which you already have children is more difficult than starting from scratch yourself.

It seemed to you that you had so much in common with your chosen one... Every day spent together gave you a lot of pleasure and an unlimited amount of positive emotions. It thundered, you visited an exotic country during a romantic vacation, and gray everyday life has arrived... As it turns out, you have many differences, his actions increasingly disappoint you, and compliments no longer evoke the same delight. What happened? Isn't this your man? And how to live with an unloved husband?

Disappointment in marriage: main reasons

Are you frustrated in your marriage? If yes, don't make hasty decisions. Reflect on the reasons for this sad reality. Identifying its source plays a key role in solving a problem. These include:

1. Unfulfilled expectations.

Some women later believe that they have found their ideal. They completely indulge in developing relationships and focus only on the merits of the chosen one. His shortcomings seem insignificant and trivial to them. Girls even believe that they can easily correct the existing flaw. As a result, the man turns out to be not as wonderful as the woman imagined. Moreover, he does not intend to change and work for himself. The myth of the ideal life partner collapses in an instant, and a feeling of depression appears.

1. Gray everyday life.

During dates and romantic evenings, it seems that your whole life will be so fabulous and wonderful. Does a wedding really change anything? Even after marriage, in the first months of married life, you are in an atmosphere of love and romance. However, the idyll does not last so long. The man begins to work, you take care of the house, and gradually the elevated feelings become more down-to-earth. There is neither time nor energy for romance. Such prose of life becomes an unbearable burden for you.

1. Unexpected problems.

The disappointment of many women is also associated with new difficulties and problems for them. Serious illness of loved ones, financial difficulties, debts - all this contributes to the emergence and even inexplicable grievances of spouses. Tensions in relationships heat up and arise. Family life is on the verge of collapse.

1. Interpersonal chasm.

If problems are not solved, then you grow even more distant from each other. Hurtful words are etched into your memory and do not leave you even in moments of truce. You have no common activities, everyone ends up in their own shell. The consequences of such distance are catastrophic: from betrayal to divorce.

1. You are so different.

During meetings, each of the young people tries to be better. They give in to each other, captivate them with what is interesting to their loved one. After marriage, everyone finds a bitter aftertaste of differences and disappointments. Spouses differ in the way they express themselves, and what caused only fleeting dissatisfaction now seems like an unbearable burden.

Don't look for an exact copy for yourself! All people are unique, and it’s not interesting to live with a person who is very similar to you.

Is it worth living with an unloved husband?

Finding herself in such a difficult situation for herself, a woman begins to think about. There is a feeling of doom and self-pity. Such thoughts are especially pronounced after another family quarrel. But what to do in such a situation? You should think about the cause of the problem. Think about it, no matter where you go, no matter who you start a new relationship with, you take yourself everywhere! Or maybe the problem is not your life partner? If you solve the problems that have arisen in a radical way, similar problems will arise with the new chosen one: financial difficulties, differences in opinions, hobbies, daily routine.

Vivid reasons why you should not leave your unloved husband:

• Additional difficulties and problems. One of the properties of our brain is to store only pleasant memories in our memory. Within a few days after the breakup, you will feel like you made a mistake. Therefore, take your time and do not make hasty decisions, as your actions affect the life of your man and children.
• You'll have to start life from scratch. During your married life, you have been united by a lot of things, but after separation you will have to renew your acquaintances and even change your place of work. It's not as simple as it seems.
• Divorce affects children. Some couples learn understanding only because of their child. Although this should not be the only reason, the results can be positive.
• The problem is not that significant. At the moment of a serious quarrel, we lose control of ourselves, which is why thoughts of separation appear. The next day, the difficulties no longer seem so insurmountable. Therefore, try to stop in time and stop the quarrel. Only in a calm state make important decisions in your life.
• The problems may repeat with another person. Difficulties in a marriage are the fault of both spouses, not just your husband. Therefore, such conflicts and quarrels in relationships often arise with a new lover.

Of course, every woman decides for herself whether to live with an unloved man or not. But the main thing when making a decision is to be guided not by fleeting feelings, but by reason.

How to live with an unloved husband?

Do you have it now? Constantly thinking about divorce? Then start resuscitating your relationship with the help of useful tips:

1. Focus on the positive.

Make an effort to see the good qualities in your husband. Think about why you fell in love with this person, what initially attracted and impressed you? Write down at least 5 positive qualities of your spouse on a piece of paper and during disagreements, reread the advantages and remember the happy moments of married life when a man showed these qualities. Invite your husband to find positive things in each other every day to renew the relationship. As a result, you will find peace of mind, and your thoughts will be directed towards the positive!

1. Think about the children.

Every quarrel between parents negatively affects the psychological state of children. The child unconsciously absorbs the way of thinking of mothers and fathers, and then manifests them in adulthood. Children love both parents equally, so it is unwise to separate because of the slightest disagreement.

1. Spend more time together.

During meetings, you spent a lot of time alone and even deliberately allocated it. Such moments made your life brighter and richer.

To rekindle your relationship and bring romance back into your relationship, make intentional time for communication. Spend a lot of time alone, without friends and children, as if you were on a date.

1. Look deeper.

At the moment of a quarrel, we feel deep and painful because of the actions of our spouse. But think about it, did he really do this on purpose? Soberly assess the situation and try to see the man’s true motives.

Learn to see the difference between your feelings and your husband's intentions.

1. Start with yourself first.

You won’t be able to change a man, no matter how hard you try, so start working on yourself. Any marriage can be happy, but only under one condition: if each spouse makes efforts to preserve it.

If everyone thinks about what they personally are doing wrong, the gap in the relationship will gradually begin to narrow.

1. Be realistic.

Have the right view of family relationships. Don't expect ideal thoughts and actions from a man. Everyone makes mistakes, including you. The fact that you have disagreements is a normal phenomenon, and the question is not their presence, but your ability to quickly resolve problems. So don’t give up, but practice!

1. Talk about your feelings.

Your spouse may not even be aware of the negative emotions you have accumulated. Why don't you tell them directly? It is better to do this in a calm environment and on the same day, before negative emotions accumulate to an even greater extent. Treat the feelings of the other person with understanding, listen carefully and ask for forgiveness.

Stop playing the silent game! Talk about your feelings and experiences, and then it will be much easier to find a way out of the conflict.

We met, got to know each other, liked each other... You meet, get to know each other, have a good time and, it would seem, everything is fine. That's what it seems at first glance. After some time you decide to get married, everything goes according to plan...

The wedding, honeymoon, gatherings of newly-made relatives are already behind us. Ordinary, everyday family life began. It is she who shows the real picture of feelings. Unless, of course, there were initially doubts about the latter. And if there were, it confirms them.

By definition, you only need to get married to your own person (your beloved, the best - whatever you want). If at the beginning of the relationship you didn’t have such an opinion about the person, I have bad news for you.

As the famous psychotherapist Mikhail Litvak said, touching on the topic of marriage and divorce: “Most people get married for any reason except one true one - to create a family.”

I can't help but agree with him. Indeed, many people register marriages because: it’s time (age), parents (relatives) insisted, the girl got pregnant, it’s necessary (like everyone else), parents promised to buy an apartment, someone has a promising business, this is how normal people do and so on - there are a lot of reasons, and they can be quite different.

So, normal people don’t do this - they don’t act like that. They seriously approach the issue of creating a family as a separate, smallest, but most comfortable unit of society. And this is accepted among people who are psychologically immature, unprepared, irresponsible for themselves and for their lives, infantile individuals.

If you are adequate, psychologically mature, mature and responsible for yourself and your life, then you will not get married just because: it’s necessary, your parents said it, everyone does it, etc. And, moreover, you will not strive to officially (and not only) connect your life with a person just because it’s good to be with him or even because there are no other candidates besides him. An independent and mature person is responsible for himself and for his every action, not to mention serious changes in his life. Infantile, frivolous, irresponsible and frivolous people are not capable of this - they choose what is simpler - and thereby shift their responsibility to others, allowing themselves not to think or worry about anything. But you still have to worry when problems start - and they, as a rule, start sooner or later...

What to do in this situation? Of course, blame others for everything! And again, shift your responsibility and your mistakes onto someone else. This is how psychologically immature people reason. Is something not working out? So of course, the wife does nothing (I have a less decent expression on my mind). Husband doesn’t earn money, drinks, goes out? Yeah, he turned out to be an idiot, who knew...

Closer to the topic - the described couple of examples are far from the only ones that exist, but they describe the essence - if something goes wrong, doesn’t work out, doesn’t work - then the only one who doesn’t do anything is you. And it’s the same with a moron - I don’t have the best news for such a person.

No one is immune from mistakes, wrong choices, or circumstances. No one is born initially as an absolutely mature, wise person, responsible for his life and himself. They come to this. Over time, but they come. And this time is different for everyone. Of course, there are those who don’t want to learn anything, don’t want to change anything and let everything take its course.

In the above situation (if there is one) there are two ways.

The first is to remain as you are, constantly shifting responsibility for your life to others, while not forgetting to blame them for all your failures, somehow try to move on with your life, constantly complaining and blaming everyone around you (the easier way, the usual for a person who is not ready to accept the truth as it is and begin to change).

The second way - which is also more difficult - is to face the circumstances and the truth, realize your mistakes, understand which decisions were wrong, what all this taught you and begin to change yourself and your life - slowly but surely. Strive to be an objective person who evaluates everything - actions, deeds, decisions. Become an adult, independent from other people, take an adequate and sober approach to everything, begin to take responsibility for your life and every action. Find courage and leave the unloved person, admitting your mistakes. Break off long-outdated relationships that bring nothing but negative emotions. You can continue the positive criteria for quite some time.

Everyone chooses for themselves.

But, returning to the topic of why you should not connect your life with an unloved person, I will continue.

Living with an unloved person means quarrels, scandals, grievances, omissions, unwillingness to develop and be better, constant reproaches, consolation in friends/girlfriends/alcohol, anger, hatred and everything that comes from this - everyone has different ways and manifests themselves to varying degrees .

If at first it was good with the person, but there were no strong feelings, the best thing you can do is to run away right away. Without looking back and without stopping. If you are “lucky enough” to stay and tie your life with this person, then a clearly unenviable fate awaits you. Everything is always good at the beginning. But there are no problems, none. But they begin later... When everyday life comes into force, the person no longer wants to try for you and shows his true face. But he doesn’t want to try and work on relationships for only one reason - there is no love. Most likely, both on his part and on yours. At least on one side - for sure. It was just so convenient. It was necessary...

And then the family life of two supposedly loving people begins to turn into hell. Not literal, but psychological. It’s possible that it’s also physical... It’s easy to determine - all sorts of bullshit begins (I apologize for the not entirely correct word) in the form of cheating/drunk/not working/yelling/nagging/hysterical/infuriating and all that kind of stuff. It's better to leave at the first sign. Immediately and forever.

This does not happen for people who truly love and want to protect each other in relationships. They have warmth of feelings, care for each other, understanding, mutual support and, of course, true love. The real one, yes. It does happen (although it is much less common). They had it first. And it continues...

Of course, people who love each other have problems in their relationships, but... they love and appreciate each other, all problems, difficult tasks and situations are solved calmly and thoughtfully on both sides, everyone’s opinion is taken into account.

His own person, loved and loving, will value, cherish, take into account the opinion of his partner, love not only in words, but also prove his feelings with deeds (actions, whatever). And it is precisely such a person who is worth waiting for - consciously and meaningfully, without clinging to dubious individuals on the path of life.

Life with an unloved person is not a joy. This, I think, is known to most adults. I don’t know the author, but I really liked the phrase: “Now you are 20, 30 years old and you have found a person to live with - this is, of course, good, but think about when you are 50, 60 years old - will you wake up one morning with the thought that practically most of your life has been lived with an unloved person. Won’t you understand that you don’t love this person who lives and sleeps with you all the time, never loved and would not want your best to go this way? years?" Something like this - I don’t remember verbatim now, of course, but I think I expressed the thought. And one more: “Is the person who is with you now really your loved one or are you just filling the void with them?”

Sometimes it is useful to ask yourself such questions - it explains a lot, at least to yourself - accurately. After all, each of us knows exactly what he wants. Sometimes he does not pay attention to this or simply ignores his own desires due to circumstances.

Nevertheless, I think everyone can draw a conclusion for themselves. And everyone makes their own decision - with whom to live, how to live and with whom to connect their lives.

Whether you have a loved one or not - the choice is yours. But people also make mistakes. You can't live without mistakes at all. The main thing is to understand in time, draw a conclusion and take appropriate measures.

P.S. Mistakes are not terrible, but their consequences and failure to take measures to eliminate them are terrible. They learn from mistakes. They are needed for further development and understanding of how best to act in a given situation. It's not so bad to make a mistake as not to understand it.

Always act as you want, draw conclusions, change for the better and be with the people you love.

By marrying an unloved man, a woman obviously dooms herself to suffering. There are many reasons for this choice. But the consequences are always the same. The woman exhausts herself with vain attempts to love her husband, but in the end she realizes that she is unable to command her heart to love. The best way out of this maze is divorce.

The life of a woman married to a man who is not dear to her heart has several features. Firstly, immediately after the wedding she realizes that there is a stranger next to her. His warmth does not warm him, his smile does not please him, his attempts to get closer cause disgust and disgust.

Secondly, the atmosphere in the house is heating up every day and the best salvation from this is to go to work, preferably 24/7.

Thirdly, a woman who cannot realize her feelings and desires with her husband starts on the side.

In all cases, there is an escape from oneself and one’s life. And no matter what reasons push a woman to marry someone she doesn’t love, she needs to soberly assess her strengths and understand whether she can overcome her feelings and save the family.

Some features of a man's life with an unloved woman

When talking about men, you need to understand that they are unique people. Everyone is individual. Some men are able to live with an unloved person for a long time, others get divorced soon. There are different situations in life. However, we can cite some features of such a man’s life

A man who does not have feelings for a woman is quite capable of cheating and having an affair. Every person's upbringing is different. So, some men may completely lose respect for a woman. Sometimes this affects children (especially if they are from another man).

A man may become harsher and cease to be responsive and kind. When a man has no feelings, a woman begins to feel it. Family scandals are possible, which leads to more frequent irritability of the man and even greater rejection of the family.

Some men. Those who are greedy for alcohol may find solace in alcoholic beverages, while others simply immerse themselves in work.

All these are just some of the features of the lives of people who dare to live with an unloved person. These features may well lead to eventual breakdowns in relationships.

How to live with someone for whom you have no feelings? How to live with an unloved husband? For what? For the sake of the children?!

Figure out why you need this. Living with someone you don't love is real hell! There is an assumption that you have watched a lot of different TV series in which women are doing well.

• First of all, this is a movie. Everything is often great and wonderful there. There are also “black streaks” in life.
• Secondly, everything is not as simple as you “picture” it for yourself! Don't forget that a lot happens behind the scenes... The events that happen there are called life!

You won’t believe it, but I lived with an unloved man for a year and a half! How did I do this? It seemed to me that I loved him. Until the first blow. When he raised his hand to me... Love “disappeared” somewhere, as if it had never existed.

He hit me when he got really jealous of a family friend. I didn’t give him any reason to be jealous! He invented it himself, he managed to find it himself! It seems to me that I did this on purpose! I don’t understand exactly one thing... For what?!

I thought I could live with someone I didn't love

Then she reassured herself with the fact that many people live like this. Then I remembered one of my friends... She is Azerbaijani. Her parents chose her groom! And she, as I understood, did not resist very much. A friend lives with her husband, not feeling any love for him. She gave birth to three children. She’s used to being married, but you can’t call her happy (even though the girl tries to seem so).

We (me and my husband, whom I never loved) lived for a year and a half. Thanks to this marriage, I realized that there is a real hell on earth! We fought every fifteen minutes, I cried a million oceans of tears, I tried to commit suicide many times…. I wouldn’t wish such a life on anyone!

I have filed for divorce more than once

The first time I felt sorry for him and withdrew my application. The second time ended in divorce. My ex-husband ran after me for a very long time, hoping to get me and the relationship back. However, I decided that it was all over for good.

I’m very glad that we are not connected to him by children! If I gave birth to at least one child, we would have to see him on weekends. I would not have survived such frequent meetings! In general, I consider myself lucky.

There is no need to live with an unloved person!

Don't waste your life on people you are not interested in. He loves you? Let him love from a distance! You cannot give to an unloved person what you can give to your loved one.

If you think that you simply need to live your life with this person, then live! Don’t complain that something doesn’t suit you in such a family life. Your girlfriends and friends will get tired of you. You can’t live every day in such a way that you keep everything inside yourself.

Life with an unloved man is HELL!

Let's assume that you got married and lived together for ten years. So, what is next? You will show your dissatisfaction for any reason. You will even find a reason that does not exist at all!

How will you have sex with someone who disgusts you?!

Have you thought about this? My unloved husband and I had a different intimacy (only blowjob and cunnilingus). I find standard intimacy to be very open, and I'm not going to share it with someone I don't love. Many will begin to judge me, but I still won’t see it. I understand that everyone has their own opinion... And therefore I’m not going to impose my own, so as not to seem super boring (I can do this in some cases).

You are probably re-reading my story... It’s good that I didn’t dare to tell you the secret of all the details of my married life. This is a real thriller! It’s good that it ended with a real “happy ending”. But it cannot be “erased” from memory.

Example from life

I have one more example...

There is a friend in my destiny whom I value very much. I recently found out that he met the girl of his dreams. You can’t imagine how happy I was about this news! After some time, curiosity got the better of me and I asked my friend why he chose this particular girl. He replied that Lena and his mother had very similar fates. Of course..., I continued the “interrogation”.

Lena was married twice. Lesha’s (my friend’s) mother also remarried and gave birth to him (Lesha) from her second husband. How else are the fates of these two extraordinary women similar? Because they did not marry for love. And now I’ll tell you about the punishment... Both Alexey and Elena were born with heart defects.

Aren't you afraid that the same God's punishment awaits you if you “ring yourself” with an unloved person? To be honest, I'm a little confused. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing by talking you out of all this.

Have you decided to live with him? Fine…. I hope everything works out for you. There is one small request: don’t make a man suffer. Especially if he adores you.

Remember the famous phrase about the fact that one person loves, and another person allows himself to be loved.

Don't forget that there is only one life!

It will be very disappointing and painful if the day comes when you come to your senses and realize that you should not have wasted precious days on someone for whom you do not have feelings. However, it may already be completely late, since life “runs” forward very quickly and with lightning speed.

This is not the first day I have been living in this world. I see how true happiness transforms women. Be with your loved one if you dream of eternal beauty! Believe me! You don't even need makeup. And you will look younger!

You can see how love affects a person in documentaries.

If you don’t have time to look through them, then read a short article talking about love influence. There are wonderful audiobooks on this topic! Start searching for them in the vastness of the “great” Internet!

Maybe you have problems with self-esteem?

Then you need to not live with someone you don’t love, but put your self-esteem in order! Understand? Yeah... Many people understand, but they don’t want to do anything about self-esteem (unfortunately). Try to be one of the first ladies who at least pretend that they have started working on themselves! There are many men in the world. You will definitely fall in love with one of them. Do not rush! Wait! Everything is ahead of you!

I felt better when I wrote (told) all this to you. Read on... and find out what psychologists advise.

Reasons for the existence of soulless marriages

1. Children.
2. Age.
3. Fear and habit...

And further. . .

How to tell him... -