How to get an appointment with Ekaterina Murashova. Katerina Murashova - about the most painful problem of education. - To another school

When a child comes into this world, everyone, especially parents, want him to be happy and grow up to be a good person. What happens next? At some point, we begin to experience failures that lead to the opposite effect! Faktrum lists ten major misconceptions related to raising a child.

1. I will live for my children.

“I have something to live for. I will live for my children. Their education is my main task.”

No one can be a target for anyone - this is too much responsibility that falls on the shoulders of a newborn. If I live for you, you must answer me with something, meet my expectations. There comes a time when the child cannot do this, which is why he begins to feel guilty. He understands the sacrifices his parents made for him.

Just two hundred years ago, a woman who had entered the reproductive cycle had five or six children, a small cemetery of dead babies, and lived to put the survivors back on their feet. The children took it quite calmly, because her self-sacrifice was shared by everyone. Nowadays, one child often bears the burden not only of the mother who lives for him, but also of the grandparents on both sides who have been waiting for him for a long, long time. This is psychologically difficult for the child, and problems may arise in this regard. At a certain period of time, humanity managed to defeat infant mortality and almost all infections that decimated entire cities. The only thing that has survived is neuropsychiatric diseases, and they are constantly getting younger: juvenile depression, Alzheimer's disease, autism spectrum disorders and others. Just one mistake associated with the attitude “I have something to live for” is enough to ensure neurotic development in a child.

2. Playing democracy

“A child is an equal person to me. Freedom, equality and fraternity."

Have you seen a duck with ducklings, how they walk: the mother walks in front, and the babies follow her. Have there ever been ducklings that went in a different direction? Of course there were, but they were eliminated by natural selection. They were eaten. In the process of evolution, with the help of natural selection, cubs were selected that were capable of following a female, or two parents, if the species was reared together. And so the child finds himself in a world where he is told: “You are an equal person to me.” In such a world, he is forced to manage adults, and this is beyond his strength. As a result, we again have neuroticism.

Often the “game of democracy” has its roots in parents’ childhood. Most of them have had difficult family relationships, so now they want to become “friends” with their children. As a rule, this is a hippy single mother with a son who agrees to everything as long as she does not touch him, and she is trying to “be a good mother” and friend. This is the only option for democratic education. In a large family, such a situation is impossible, because someone will always get out. When you behave like a “big duck”, building a world for your child, with its dangers and “beauties” - this is respect and proper behavior towards him. Because he came into the world under your wing, and some time must pass before he says that he has already grown up and it’s time for him to become an “adult duck.”

3. There is only one correct model of education

“There are many different parenting options and there is probably the right one somewhere that you need to find and take advantage of.”

The population needs children who can carefully follow instructions, but it also needs those who are able to break them. The only criterion you should base your education on is yourself. What to do if the older generation interferes in upbringing? For example, you forbid your daughter to play with her cosmetics, but she goes to her mother-in-law, and she gives her hers. How to set boundaries in this case?

We must understand that grandparents - no matter what they say - are absolutely right, because there are simply no wrong models. Moreover, you have already been raised according to one of these models. We must not be afraid to tell them: “Thank you, dear ones, for your opinion, but this is my family and my child, and he will do as is customary with us. But thank you, because you are right.” There will be a border: you can take your mother-in-law’s cosmetics, but you can’t take mine. There will be no break in the pattern in children’s heads.

My eldest daughter was a completely independent child at the age of five. On weekends I took her to her grandmother and great-grandmother. My great-grandmother, who raised me, stopped recognizing me after suffering a stroke. But she recognized my daughter perfectly, and, moreover, when I brought her, she seemed to turn on and behave completely differently. It looked like this: the door opens, my independent daughter enters the corridor, lies down on her back, raises her legs up and says: “You, Galya (this is my mother), take off my boots, and you, bulya (abbr. granny), carry cinnamon rolls". I begin to shyly hint that maybe, if not wash my hands, then at least undress first, and then the buns. To which my grandmother, shuffling in her slippers, with a tray of buns in her hands, answers me: “Let the child eat the first bun in the corridor, what’s wrong?” And throws the bun in there. What could I say to the woman who raised me and who no longer recognizes me? All I could do was walk out the door and disappear.

Two days later I received my child, and as soon as she crossed the threshold, the boundaries by which she lived at home were activated. Children know how to recognize boundaries, as long as they are clearly defined. Our task is to inform the child what world he has found himself in and to form his own model of upbringing.

4. The child can handle his studies on his own

“They didn’t do homework with me, but I learned. I grew up as a normal person, which means there is some kind of guarantee.”

This position is logically consistent, except for one thing: you are not your parents, your child is not you, and the world in which you are raising your child is not the same in which you were raised. A child may differ in temperament, strength of the nervous system and other parameters; there is no need to talk about differences in the environment. Therefore, using other people’s models, and even more so letting everything take its course, is not the best option for solving the problem. There is a chance that the child will cope with everything on his own and will be able to achieve a lot, but to increase this chance, help your child.

5. Carrot and stick

The “carrot and stick” method: positive and negative reinforcement.

There are two types of people who don't steal. Some are afraid that they will be sent to prison, others feel that they will get dirty in this. Only the first type of child can be raised with carrots and sticks. The second type is feelings laid down by significant people from childhood. There is no internal moral law, there is something that was once laid down in us, although we do not remember it. Negative reinforcement can only stop unwanted behavior. To develop good habits, you need to remember positive reinforcement. When your child does something good - especially if he previously did the opposite in a similar situation - tell him how good it is. The child wants to be good and, noticing moments marked by praise, will try to repeat them.

At the same time, project these feelings onto yourself: there is no point in saying that the child acts good or bad towards another person, the only person whose emotions and feelings concern him is you yourself. Take responsibility.

6. Children are not animals

“Methods that are used on animals cannot be used on children: it is immoral.”

This is mistake. When children are born, they are 80% small animals. Humanization begins almost immediately, but occurs gradually. While the child is small, there is a lot of animal spirit in him. And the things that apply to raising kittens, puppies and other animals also apply to him. Let us recall the conditioned reflex caused by the method of positive and negative reinforcement.

7. Negotiations with your child

“You can always come to an agreement with a child.”

Psychologist Lorenz Kohlberg built the stages of child development on the basis of his moral development. The children were given the conditions of the task: there is one boy who was forbidden to go into the cupboard to buy jam. One day, while no one was looking, he decided to get some jam and accidentally dropped the cup; she fell and broke. And there is another boy whose parents asked him to carry a tray of cups from the kitchen to the dining room. When he was carrying the tray, he accidentally tripped and broke all the cups. After which they asked which boy, in their opinion, was more to blame. Children under five answered that it was the second one because he broke more cups.

When you come to an agreement with a small child, you need to understand that you are trying to come to an agreement with a structure that is significantly different from you intellectually, psychophysiologically, and morally and ethically. Sometimes you need to say what will happen because you are older and more experienced. There is no need to explain how electric current works because the child doesn't care, he just wants to stick his fingers into the socket. You need to start negotiating when the child has formed ideas about the cause-and-effect relationship and begins to ask the question “why”, to which you will have to answer. This maturation usually occurs after three years.

8. What is right for me is right for the child.

“If something is obvious to me, the child will also understand it sooner or later. If I believe that education is an absolutely necessary thing, he will also begin to think so.”

It is a mistake to believe that if the teacher at school says that your child is smart and he just needs to try a little harder, or you give him examples of other children who have become smart, or refer to authority figures, then sooner or later the child will understand what he needs take up your studies. What is obvious and right for you is not obvious and wrong for him. And no matter how much you explain to the child, it will not change much.

9. I know better what he needs

“I’m older and smarter than my child, so I know better what he needs.”

Logically, this is consistent; the child really has much less information, strength, and ability to form cause-and-effect relationships. But he is not you. What you need may not be useful to your child at all, because he is different, he may have completely different needs. You can try to tell him about your views, but at the same time show that this is your opinion: “it seems to me,” “I think so.” Don’t say that it’s obvious to everyone that higher education is needed. This is obvious to everyone, except those who have found their place in life and are happy without it.

10. A child will solve my problems

“My child came into this world so that I could solve some of my problems.”

This could be loneliness, achieving harmony in the family, or hopes for care in old age. There is a phenomenon of an animator mother. It looks like this: “In the morning we have 15 minutes of classes with kinetic sand, then cards on Glenn Doman, after which we do Duchenne for half an hour, then a walk, where we feed the ducks, at the same time learn Latin names, then lunch and about fifteen minutes of role-playing games , then we have modeling...” Such a mother was unable to realize some of her own needs and now projects them onto the child, actually interacting with herself.

The problem is that after some time she will suddenly discover that behind all this there is a living person, with his own worldview and interests. And when he begins to fall short of a certain level or refuses to do what he doesn’t like, such a mother becomes depressed, because she has already planned everything. There is no positive way out of this situation. Sooner or later this will affect both the parents and the child. A child does not come into the world for you to solve your problems. He comes as a new entity, and he should decide, not you. The world creates something new through you, and this is a real miracle.

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“I have two children, thirteen and fourteen years old, but that’s not the point. My oncologist referred me to you for a consultation...

The woman looked according to the statement. The common folk phrase “they put it in a coffin more beautifully” completely described the picture that appeared before me. I determined her age approximately by the age of the children, adjusted for her painful condition - about 42-43 years old.

“Next year I will turn fifty,” said the woman. — The children are late, my husband and I tried to conceive for almost ten years, we were examined, treated...

I perked up a little. It turned out that, despite the stress and illness, my visitor looked younger than her age.

Of course, like any practicing psychologist, I have heard apocryphal stories about cases of cancer being cured with the help of psychotherapy. It’s not that I didn’t believe them... the world is full of miracles and mysteries, and I know this very well... But here and now?

I wonder why the oncologist sent her to the children's clinic to see a family psychologist? After all, in oncology, it seems, there is some kind of psychological service that is familiar with the characteristics of the contingent... He probably had some kind of idea...

— Tell me about your family.

- What do you do? Are you working? Where? — maybe she can answer neutral questions?

- You see, in a sense, I am a person of art, I graduated from the theater and acting department... More than a year ago, my husband left for another woman. Absolutely hormonal, textbook story. She is exactly a quarter of a century younger than me. I know that this happens all the time, but for some reason I just can’t get over it. My husband is a director, we once studied together, then we divided everything into two - successes, failures. Many people envied us; in the acting community, you understand, there are more scandals than harmony, but we had a warm, open home. Then it didn’t work out with the children, first I was treated, then it turned out that he also had problems. We've kept each other hopeful for years. They even planned to take children from the orphanage - definitely two, they thought maybe a brother and sister or two brothers. But here we finally got lucky; one of dozens of methods brought success. Lord, what happiness it was! And - after all the expectations - twice in a row! We put our sons to bed and stood over their beds for an hour - admiring them. And then in the kitchen over tea they talked almost until the morning - and could not stop. We always had something to talk about with each other!

We almost didn't quarrel. Never. And now, too, he claims that he misses me as an interlocutor. He probably has nothing to talk about with his young wife. She, you understand, is for someone else. According to him, I exaggerate everything and nothing prevents us from remaining friends. Nothing but his betrayal...

— Do the boys communicate with their father?

- The older one - yes, he is more... practical? The younger one is emotional, he sees what is happening to me, he cannot forgive.

- Yes. And you?

“Half the women I know have gone through something similar.” I thought I could handle it. I don’t know why... it didn’t work out for me. Started to get sick. The operation was performed - fortunately, at an early stage. The oncologist said: “Either you somehow solve your problem, or... or you will eat yourself...” You understand what he meant... This is scary...

I nodded silently in agreement.

And she already knew a way that could very likely help her. One catch: he did not fit into the ethical canons. And not in the canon of medical ethics, but in general... Do I have the right?

The woman remained silent surprisingly well - not tensely and at the same time attentively. The actress paused.

After thinking for a while, I decided. In the end, here and now I am working for the interests of children. And somewhere out there, there are two teenage boys who have just experienced the passing of their father, and unless something drastic is done, they may very soon be left without a mother...

- Listen to me! You have lived with your husband for more than twenty wonderful years. You understood each other perfectly and shared your troubles and joys in half. He gave you two wonderful sons. Your friends have warmed themselves by your common hearth for years. But nothing lasts forever in the world. And now he’s gone...” the woman shuddered, but didn’t utter a sound. Huge eyes surrounded by dark circles caught my gaze. I looked straight into them, somewhere into the black depths of her illness. - He left, died, fell into a parallel world, was abducted by aliens - what's the difference. He's gone! But his love will remain with you and the boys forever... He did not betray you. And no one will take away your memories of him and your general happiness.

The middle-aged actress thought for a while, then, as if she had realized something, she snapped her thin fingers.

- And this one, who now...?

“Yes, it seems someone else took his place,” I shrugged. - Well, don’t let the goodness go to waste. This someone is somewhat similar... a little... Sometimes it can even be used in the household... But you yourself understand how pale a copy it is... It simply cannot evoke any feelings in you, because you remember the one and only...

“I think I understand you...” some lights lit up in the actress’s deep eyes.

When she came to me again a few months later, I shuddered. She was wearing a strict black suit, black button-up boots and a hat with a black veil. In her hands is a bouquet of yellow roses.

- It is for you! - she said and threw back the veil.

To be honest, I almost didn’t recognize her. No circles around the eyes, wonderful complexion.

- Uh-uh..? — I drawled vaguely, starting to guess.

- Yes, yes, I haven’t taken off my mourning yet, but what do you want? After all, for so many years... You know, when I was little, we lived not far from the Volkovsky cemetery. And I was a romantic girl, I went there for a walk and even as a child I noticed an abandoned grave... There is such a half-erased portrait of a handsome young man, somewhat similar to my husband. Now I looked after her, straightened the fence, planted flowers...

I felt very uneasy. I wonder if she does anything else besides visiting the grave?

- A-a-a..? Health? - although everything was visible anyway.

- Yes Yes! - the woman said without hiding her triumph. “That’s why I came.” Just yesterday the oncologist released me and said that he didn’t want to see me before six months or a year. I went to work - I have a theater studio for teenagers, very modern, we stage Lukyanenko, do you know such a writer? The story “Tron” is a fantasy about how important parents are for a child... Both my sons play too. I'm living again! The memory of my husband and our love gives me strength. All my friends and girlfriends are glad that I am with them again! How glad I am...

“Uh-uh...” I said. - Great...

And she added to herself: “Never again!” — they say that winners are not judged, but still it was a very unethical act on my part. I wonder if the poor director knows exactly how his first wife survived the divorce?

INTRODUCTION

Health or illness?

Hello, dear parents and educators!

First, let's get acquainted. I am a developmental psychologist. Just 10–15 years ago, nine out of ten people surveyed confidently confused a psychologist with a psychiatrist. Now the situation has changed for the better. A psychologist is not a doctor. As a rule, he does not have a full medical education, does not make diagnoses or prescribe medications. Psychologists mainly work with mentally healthy people. Psychiatrists, who are doctors by training, work with mentally ill people. The main areas of work of a psychologist are psychological testing (which has nothing to do with tests published in popular newspapers and magazines), individual or family counseling, individual, family or group psychotherapy. Today there are a huge number of tests, methods and areas of psychotherapy that a psychologist can use in his work. It is clear that no psychologist uses all of them. Each practicing psychologist or psychotherapist has his own favorite set of methods, which he periodically updates or expands.

For several years now I have been working as a psychologist-consultant in a regular regional children's clinic. I mainly work with families. Most often, parents bring older preschoolers and younger schoolchildren. They have many problems, and we will talk about most of them in this book. Teenagers often come too. Less often - on their own, having watched enough TV series or really getting confused in their own lives, more often - on the advice of parents who are angry or discouraged by the child’s behavior. It is possible to establish contact with some of them, and with some, unfortunately, not. The latter leave forever, and the first run in and then, having already passed the age of the children's clinic, matured faces poke their heads through the door and ask slyly:

- Can i? Is it okay that I made an appointment with you?

Sometimes the main work happens with the parents, and they, having changed, influence the behavior or even the health of the children.

Quite often the whole family is invited to the reception, and then it is called family counseling or family psychotherapy. Often, a child’s problems are a reflection of the problems of the family as a whole, and in this case, they can be dealt with only when constructive and strong cooperation between the psychologist and all family members has been established.

But no matter who comes to see me and with what, it always starts with the same question:

– Tell me, is it normal if he (she, I, they, etc.) ...?

The continuation can be anything, and the question itself may not be expressed in this exact form, but it is always implied. And this, forgive the tautology, is normal.

Because before looking for reasons, intervening in something, changing something, removing, adding or adjusting, it is necessary to find out what is in front of us: a variant of the age norm or a truly pathological deviation?

It's no secret that all children develop differently. There are inherent differences in temperament, inclinations and abilities. Even the youngest children have acquired personality differences, and all this must be taken into account. But there are also some general patterns. It is generally accepted that human development consists of crises and relatively stable periods. The total number and exact timing of the onset of these crises are described differently by different researchers and depend mainly on which theory of personality the researcher relies on. Their periodization of human development was put forward by S. Freud (reliance on psychosexual development), V. Stern (reliance on biogenetic patterns), and domestic researchers L. S. Vygotsky, D. B. Elkonin. There are periodizations for the social development of the child (A. V. Petrovsky), moral development (L. Kohlberg), and intellectual development (J. Piaget, J. Bruner). One of the most famous is the psychoanalytically oriented “theory of psychosocial crises” by the American psychologist Erik Erikson. In total, Erickson identifies eight crises in a person’s life, six of which occur in the period from birth to final adulthood. Other psychologists view crises differently, but they all agree on one thing: the densest growth of crises is precisely in the area of ​​childhood and early adolescence. Then it seems to become calmer (although many, of course, will not agree with this).

Each crisis has its own purpose and task. Every crisis must be successfully resolved. If this does not happen, then development is disrupted to one degree or another. During times of crisis, a person is especially vulnerable to stress and negative influences. It is during periods of crisis that people most often fall ill with various somatic and neuropsychic diseases.

The first crisis that a person experiences is, undoubtedly, birth. Its main task is to adapt to the surrounding world.

So, somewhere in the second half of the first year (and certainly towards its end), a normally developing child shows some signs of fear and mistrust towards strangers. He behaves calmly and trustingly with friends and family.

Somewhere around the age of two, stubbornness appears, sometimes combined with outright mischief. “It’s like he’s testing me!” - mothers say about such children. He really does, because one of the tasks of this crisis is to set the boundaries of acceptable behavior. Another task is to gain physical autonomy (the famous “I myself!”).

At the age of four or five years, most children are afraid of large animals, unusual natural phenomena, and sometimes they are seriously frightened by other people’s or even their own fantasies (“This is a biting Byaka, I made her up out of my head... I’m afraid of her!”).

Around the same time, there was something like an ideological crisis. For the first time, the child thinks about the basic questions of existence, often asks questions like: “Mom, won’t you die?”, “Won’t I die?” etc. In no case should this crisis be “overlooked” by the parents, since during this period the child absolutely needs their support.

When a child starts school, he or she may or may not experience a school start crisis. If the child’s level of school maturity (its definition will be discussed below) is high or medium-high, then, as a rule, no crisis occurs.

The series of crises, of course, does not end there, but consideration of the crises of adult life is not part of our task and therefore remains outside the scope of this book.

So, first What a parent or teacher needs to remember is: variability of individual age-related psychological development.

Second – existence of crisis age periods, each of which has its own characteristics.

And finally third : There are symptoms, tendencies and behavioral characteristics of the child that should alert attentive parents and bring them to a consultation with a psychologist..

The list below is, of course, far from complete, but it will help you navigate the problem. It makes sense to consult a specialist if:

– the child has problems with heredity;

– the child has a birth injury or other neurological diagnosis;

– the child’s sleep, appetite and daily routine are constantly disturbed;

– a child under one year of age is more than two months behind his peers in any of the psychomotor indicators;

– accustoming to cleanliness causes stubborn resistance; by age three, the child is still regularly peeing or pooping in his pants;

– by the age of two, the child’s speech consists of only a few words; at three years old the child does not speak in sentences;

– the child’s stubbornness is of a particularly “malicious” nature, causing serious inconvenience and even causing direct harm to the child himself or others;

– the child is overly aggressive, regularly hitting children, animals or parents. Does not respond to exhortations;

– the child has many fears, he does not sleep at night, wakes up screaming, and is not left alone even in a bright room;

– the child often suffers from colds and has a whole bunch of functional disorders;

– the child’s attentiveness, in your opinion, leaves much to be desired. He is overly disinhibited, constantly distracted, and does not complete anything;

– it seems to you that other children are much smarter (or dumber) than your child. Maybe he is mentally retarded (or a child prodigy)?

– the educational problems of a younger student are in no hurry to decrease after intensive lessons with him;

– your child has no friends or permanent acquaintances;

– in middle school, the child has absolutely no hobbies or they change several times a month;

– conflicts constantly occur between the child and one of the family members;

– you have absolutely stopped understanding what is happening to your son or daughter. His (her) soul is a “black box” for you;

- Everyone at school is complaining about your child. It seems to you that they are unfair;

– the child often leaves home and you do not know where and with whom he spends time;

– the child has committed one or more acts that are commonly called antisocial;

– your teenager has completely neglected his studies. He doesn't seem to care at all;

- your son or daughter has repeatedly argued that life is not worthwhile, or in the heat of a quarrel with you they have threatened to commit suicide;

– the relationships between family members are so complex and confusing that you understand: this cannot but affect the child’s psyche.

Sometimes (in recent years, more and more often, as the psychological literacy of the population is slowly but steadily growing) parents come to me who simply want to learn more about their child, about how to properly build their relationship with him, how to develop his intelligence and emotionality . With such parents, we talk about the immediate age-related crises that their child will face, and about his personal characteristics, and what this can lead to in the future, as well as how to most productively use the strengths of the child’s personality and intellect. This “preventive” line of work seems to me especially promising, because it is known that it is easier to prevent any problem than to deal with it later.

The book we offer you is built on a very simple principle. Each chapter discusses one of the problems typical of a certain age (for example, childhood fears or teenage crisis). The beginning and end of the chapter are devoted to a real case from the author’s practice. At the beginning - the beginning, at the end - an analysis of the problem of a particular child or family, methods of therapy, the end of the story. The middle of the chapter is devoted to a popular scientific presentation of everything related to this problem. Again, based on numerous examples.

Sincerely, Ekaterina Murashova

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End of introductory fragment.

Text provided by LitRes LLC.

You can safely pay for the book with a Visa, MasterCard, Maestro bank card, from a mobile phone account, from a payment terminal, in an MTS or Svyaznoy store, via PayPal, WebMoney, Yandex.Money, QIWI Wallet, bonus cards or another method convenient for you.

End of introductory fragment.

Text provided by LitRes LLC.

You can safely pay for the book with a Visa, MasterCard, Maestro bank card, from a mobile phone account, from a payment terminal, in an MTS or Svyaznoy store, via PayPal, WebMoney, Yandex.Money, QIWI Wallet, bonus cards or another method convenient for you.