Why is a wife always more valuable than a mistress? I am pregnant and want to give birth to a married man - What should I do? A married lover has a child

My husband became a boy's dad, but I'm not at all happy about it. I’m in despair, I’m sick, disgusted, hurt... because the husband of this child. I found out about this by accident, said a friend who saw my husband walking with a young woman with a stroller. I asked my husband about this “head-on”, he didn’t expect it, was confused and confessed. Help me, I don't know how to get through this!

- Hello. Of course, the current situation cannot be called pleasant. But believe me, There are no such hopeless situations that we could find ourselves in. What you described, unfortunately, is a fairly common phenomenon in today's society.

Yes, the lives of people who find themselves in such vicissitudes change radically, but each of them continues to live. And you too You shouldn’t fall into despair and despondency.

I'll bring you example of a life situation, wherein mistress gave birth to a child from the legal spouse of my colleague. The “victim” Anya was revered by the entire department. She was always in a good mood, was an excellent hostess, a pleasant conversationalist and a true friend. In general, she is a Komsomol member, an athlete, and simply a beauty. Anyuta loved her husband very much, and he reciprocated her feelings. In a word, up to a certain point they were an ideal couple. And the moment is as if copied from your history. I think you understand all the pain and despair that befell the girl. But she acted rather unconventionally. The great commander Suvorov himself would have envied the developed strategy.

With great difficulty she dared to talk with her husband. How much effort it took for Anna to keep her “face” at the mere sight of a scoundrel, only the Lord God knows. But the “meeting on the Elbe” still took place, and the girl invited her husband... to try to live with two families.

When we found out how Anya acted, we thought that she was, to put it mildly, “not adequate.” But time has shown that she – wiser and more adequate than all of us.

All parents know that children are a big responsibility. They get sick, are capricious, demand attention and money. And men, in the majority, when you and the Universe revolve around them, and not around a constantly squeaking baby. And our hero is no exception. In the process of raising a newborn, the African love passions of the lovers subsided, and it turned out that they had no other points of contact except the bed.

The new wife constantly demanded money, absolutely did not love and did not know how to run a household, threw endless hysterics, demanding to stop any contact with her ex. Moreover, after her mistress gave birth to a child, she became very ugly.

Well, Anna, overcoming her mental pain, lived on. She has changed dramatically: she changed her hairstyle to the one that her husband constantly dissuaded her from, signed up for yoga, for which there was still not enough time, because all the time was spent on cooking (Kitty’s sensitive stomach, he preferred exclusively freshly prepared dishes). And she even tried to start an affair. Six months later, the ex called and asked to come back. She's still thinking.

Organizational conclusions or if the mistress gave birth to a child, it is still unknown who was lucky

Instead of an afterword, I want to say that most mistresses mistakenly believe that a child is their ticket to married life. Men do not like ultimatums (which are often put forward by mistresses) and problems. Therefore, it is extremely rare for people to leave their families simply because of the birth of an illegitimate child. They are quite satisfied with the current life with their wife. Most likely, your husband is no exception. And the outcome of the situation and the adoption of a decision that would suit both of you will depend on how wisely you behave (that is, do not throw a tantrum, try to accept and understand him as much as possible). And you are, of course, a very wise and strong lady.

Well, to try to escape from the situation, find a hobby, get busy, which everyone couldn’t get their hands on, change your image, change your usual environment, and, of course, tune in to the positive. You'll see, life will certainly get better!

Regina Lambert for

“I agreed to talk only incognito, because I don’t want people pointing fingers at me. Although there are hundreds of such examples in our lives! There are girls who deliberately do this. This is their goal. Here is a married man, wealthy, adult, with a car and money - I want to get him and tie him to me. They are not shy about declaring this publicly! I ask my guy friends who are married, they say: “Girls don’t shun anything, they openly pester you, they think that this is in the order of things!”

Now my priorities have changed, I have made it a principle - I turn off married people. And they very often make all sorts of offers of a light nature - I categorically refuse. Straightaway. Moreover, in the avatar he stands with his wife in an embrace: a loving husband and father of the family, all positive. And he writes to me: “Would you like to meet, beauty?” I write back to him: “Say hello to your wife!” He replies: “Come on, you can think about it!” My former lover probably felt the same way about it: “Just think! What's special? Here’s a wife, there’s a mistress – no one bothers anyone!”

I was not a hunter of married people. We met in a restaurant, he looked like a free man, there was no ring on his hand, he behaved calmly, did not hide. How long does it take to like a person? Two or three days, two or three meetings. And then: “Stop! So are you married? And the song begins: “Everything is bad with us, I’m sleeping in another room, I’m suffering, she doesn’t understand me, we haven’t loved each other for a long time...” And then I find out that his wife and I had children born at the same time. the same time! I thought: “Poor guy, he’s so unhappy in his marriage, I’ll cure him now, bring him back to life.” It happens differently. The man says that he loves his wife and will never leave her, if you want to date and that there are no demands on your part - then go ahead. Sometimes a girl is given a choice. But mine couldn’t leave his wife supposedly because of the children. I didn't want them to grow up without a father. And my daughter ends up growing up without a father - and he doesn’t care.

For some reason, as a rule, everything about these men—married men—is perfect. My lover courted me very persistently: he was courteous, cheerful, and attentive. And then he doesn’t pick up the phone, or he leaves somewhere without warning. Ideality disappears, and you realize that you are, in general, a toy in the hands of a man. Yes, my favorite, but it’s a toy. And you have already become attached, accustomed to this relationship, he is part of your life, and the terrible truth is revealed to you that you are in deep trouble.

I immediately told myself that I would not break up my family. Because I understood perfectly well that if he abandoned one family, it means he would abandon another, and that, no matter how trivial it may sound, you cannot build happiness on someone else’s misfortune. And I tried everything to do so as not to disturb anyone, so that that family would not find out anything. I didn’t have any remorse, I said to myself: “Well, it so happened that he was a family man, well, what can you do now, we’ll be together, fate has given us so much.”

Was it love? Then it seemed that yes. Now I think: “Ugh!”, maybe because we broke up badly. And then - you can’t say that it was some kind of dizzying love, but I liked the way he treated me, how he took care of me, I liked communicating with an adult man, it flattered me. He rented an apartment for me, and for me it was the first experience of independent living and freedom from my parents. He gave me money, gave me gifts - it was a beautiful, fulfilling relationship. Jealousy didn’t torment me either, because I was sure that he didn’t sleep with his wife and I was his only one.

When I found out that I was pregnant, I immediately felt that he would not be happy about it. He came to our apartment after work, and at dinner I said: “You know, I didn’t expect it myself, but I’m pregnant.” The fact is that I thought that I couldn’t have children at all. A few years earlier, I had undergone one operation after inflammation, and the question was whether I would even be able to become a mother. We lived for a year without any protection, and now this is news! I came for an ultrasound, saw my arms and legs, listened to my heart beat, and was in seventh heaven. I decided for myself that no matter how he reacted, it is his right, I don’t care, I will leave the child. That’s why I told him: “I’m sorry, but I’m pregnant.” The first thing he asked was: “Do you need money for an abortion?” I said: “No, I don’t need money for an abortion, I won’t have one.” And then it began: “Why do you need this, where is your child now, and you’re still giving birth, you understand, I won’t be able to fully participate...” At first he was calm, then he switched to a raised tone, then with obscenities: “I I didn't ask you! What the heck? You did this on purpose!” He left, slamming the door, very angry.

He never came again. And he didn't call. I was crushed, I was in a lot of pain. Then for a long time (while I was pregnant and walking with the baby), when I saw couples in love kissing on the street, I had one thought: “And then she will get pregnant, and he will leave her.” At first I expected him to cool down and call, but this did not happen. I myself didn’t call out of pride, and then why? The man said everything. I thought: “I’m about to give birth, he will still want to see our child!” It was not physically difficult to be pregnant; I walked easily. But it immediately became more difficult financially: I had to pay for the apartment, there were difficulties with work, I took home transfers. Already in the maternity hospital, when I took my newborn daughter in my arms for the first time, I called him and said: “I wanted to tell you the news - your daughter was born.” He said indifferently: “Mmm... Congratulations. Anything else?" I answered that, in general, that’s all. He said: “Well, bye then,” and hung up.

My parents supported me a lot. Despite the fact that in our culture it is considered unacceptable for a girl to give birth without a husband, they took my side. When I told my mother that I was expecting a child, my mother also suggested not to spoil my fate, saying that if you give birth again, you must first get married. But I said: “Mom! I heard his heart beating, now I still won’t be able to!” And she understood me. And somehow I correctly explained everything to my father, I returned to them and began to live with my family again. The fact that my child’s father is married was not discussed with my parents at all; they avoided the topic. My parents are so correct, they probably didn’t even know what to say. They simply understood that something bad had happened to their daughter and they needed help. And when I brought my daughter home, laid her on my bed, where I slept alone for many years (I’m talking now - and I’m getting goosebumps!), I had such an indescribable feeling! This was true love, happiness, it just covered me with some kind of warm dome. This crossed out all the unpleasant things, erased all the grievances, all the anger. And the harsh everyday life began.

In the first months of her life, my daughter had health problems, I needed to find out what illnesses her relatives had, and about six months later I called him again. He answered the phone, answered all the questions, we started talking, and I dared to say that it was difficult for me and asked him for money. He yelled at me that I wanted to tie him up, sit on his neck, and take money out of him. Since I didn't want anything like that, I just hung up. And the next day his driver brought me three hundred bucks. I learned from the driver that my ex also had a child. Two weeks apart from my daughter. And, oddly enough, this news helped me a lot. All my hopes, the love for him that perhaps still remained, the fear that he would not return or would return and I would no longer want to accept him - all this immediately disappeared. I was completely freed from the past and became a clean white sheet. There was nothing painful left, no memories, just us - me and my daughter.

Now we are getting ready for school. The daughter began to ask who her father was. I decided right away that I would only say good things about my father to my child. Moreover, according to my legend, he died, and they don’t speak badly about the dead. Our dad died heroically in the fight against bandits. No bodies were found. No questions. But he was a wonderful person, he played sports, he had many friends, he was simply a standard of decency. How to raise a child without a father? Yes, sometimes it’s hard. But my parents compensate for my father’s deficiency, in this sense I am very lucky.

I have five saved children to my credit. Like attracts like, and I always come across girls pregnant by married people. And they, of course, face this terrible choice - to have an abortion or not. I persuaded five people to keep the child. She explained that everything is surmountable, any difficulties can be overcome, but the child already exists and he has the right to life. We call each other and meet with them sometimes. They are sure that they did the right thing by leaving the child. Of course, it's better to think about it before rather than after. But if it happens, then you can’t kill the child.

My personal experience did not affect my attitude towards men, I did not transfer this to the entire male gender and did not start thinking: “They are all assholes.” But my attitude towards family life has changed a lot. I do not want to get married. I'm afraid to get married. Because I know too well how men can lie and lead a double life. I have never seen my husband’s wife, nor have I looked for her photos on the Internet. But I know who she is. And I think, here is a woman living, probably happily married, and her husband has a child on his side. This is terrible.

When my daughter grows up, I will tell her: “Daughter! If you ever meet a married man and you think you like him, run from him like the fire. Be patient, get over it, but don’t let yourself fall in love with him!” This is the only correct way - not to approach. And who already has relationships with married people... It is impossible to persuade a girl to give up the benefits that such relationships promise. On the contrary, they brag and post stacks of photos on Instagram, like look: he took me to Dubai.

In general, there is no point in working with those who are already “there”. But to young girls who are still single and are now looking for a partner, I wholeheartedly advise: on the first day of meeting them, ask: “Are you married?” They lie, of course, that no, but I found my formula for this “no”. I immediately see married people - they are well-groomed, well-fed and happy with life. And I tell them: “You just said that you have neither a wife nor children. And if the Almighty hears and thinks, well, a person thinks that he has no wife and children, he doesn’t value them, then he can take them. And he will take them from you - are you ready? They have fear in their eyes, which forces them to tell the truth. And if you are married, immediately get it clearly in your head - he is not your match.

By the way, I recently met the father of my daughter by chance. He became pious and grew a beard. We talked like neighbors; he was leaving the mosque. I said: “Why do you go to the mosque? Just ask me for forgiveness, and all your sins will be forgiven for you.”

She called me in the middle of the night and told me the good news: “Congratulations! Your husband has become a dad. I gave birth to his long-awaited son. Now we will raise our baby together, and you get ready to become a single mother,” even three years later, Natasha clearly remembers what her husband’s mistress told her.

Much water has passed under the bridge since then, but nothing could destroy their love triangle. Natasha and Vitaly got married immediately after college, a year later they had a child, and it seemed that no one could destroy their happiness. But one day a message came to my husband’s phone from an unfamiliar number: “Darling, you were great!” Then there were tears, scandals, showdowns and threats to break up.

I couldn't believe he had someone else! Before she had time to recover from this shock, she learned that a child had been born on the other side. I’m sitting with my baby daughter in my arms, crying, and I’m thinking about how to save my family. I didn’t intend to ruin my whole life because of some girl who managed to get pregnant. My husband and I sat down and talked, he promised to break off all relations with his mistress, and the next day he silently collected all his things and went to her. For two years he lived either with me or with her, and then I decided to act - and became pregnant. I gave my husband another son, he made the final choice in favor of our family, but did not completely break the connection with the homewrecker. He takes the child to the clinic, buys him toys and takes pictures with his phone. He doesn’t even try to hide these pictures, block them, it’s so terrible that there are photographs of our children and that boy on his phone. Deep down I understand: he is still sleeping with this woman, but I can’t let him go. This is how we live, all three of us suffer, but no one is able to break this vicious circle. Personally, I forgave the betrayal, but this did not help me keep my husband,” says the young wife Natasha frankly.

“Spiritual betrayal is a hundred times more painful and terrible than intimate betrayal”

One of the most painful topics for loving people is betrayal. It is generally accepted that every third family someday faces a difficult dilemma: should they forgive their significant other or not? If some immediately break up after learning about the betrayal, then others continue to live together, trying to start their relationship from scratch.

I found the strength to forgive my husband’s betrayal, but every day I understand: I will never forget this. My husband keeps repeating the same thing: he only cheated once, it all happened while he was drunk at a party, but that doesn’t make it any easier,” says friend Tatyana. - In the heat of the moment, I asked my husband all the details of the betrayal, and now this picture can’t get out of my head. I screw myself up, and when my husband comes home, I break down and start a scandal. I don’t know how many years I need to calm down, but I’m ready to break myself, forget about my pride for the sake of saving my family.

Not everyone is able to stifle constant jealousy and resentment within themselves. But if for some the news about betrayal is like a bolt from the blue, then others live on the alert all their lives and are ready to catch their partner red-handed.

Before the wedding, my husband had many girls, so even after the wedding, I did not relax for a minute. I constantly checked my email, asked specialists to hack his mailbox, read SMS messages on my mobile phone and finally found it. It turned out that my husband was corresponding with some girl. They discuss films, go to cafes together. When I found out, I was furious. She called all her relatives and gave her husband a purge. He swore that there was no intimate relationship between them. Even after the scandal, the husband continues to correspond with this girl. Sometimes I catch myself thinking that spiritual betrayal is a hundred times more painful and terrible than intimate betrayal,” says Marina, a wife with five years of experience.

“I’ll go for a walk, but I won’t leave my family”

From the outside, his friend Alexander has just an ideal family: a beautiful wife and two charming kids, but few people realize that Sasha goes to the left. And he goes there quite often.

I immediately tell my next passion: she can count on gifts, dinners in a restaurant and intimacy, we cannot have any joint plans for life. As soon as a girl starts talking about how we need to live together or that it’s time for me to get a divorce, I break all ties with her. I love my wife very much, I value her, so I will never leave my family,” Alexander says frankly.

- If you love, then why are you walking?

Well, you're funny! 80% of men cheat on their wives, infidelity is genetic in us, we are predators and that says it all. To be honest, I was faithful for the first three years, and then at some point I realized that the monotony would drive me crazy. My wife starts to get bored, the sensations are no longer the same, and so you go to the left - and again in a great mood,” Alexander says cynically.

True, not all women experience betrayal so painfully. I remember how 50-year-old Olga Viktorovna, wise with experience, always calmly greeted her husband after another spree. And she greeted her not with scandals and reproaches, but with a hot dinner.

“He’ll take a walk and calm down,” Olga Viktorovna repeated the same thing. “I saw his mistresses, nothing special, ordinary losers who, in their old age, were never able to start a family.

In this note we will talk about what exists, but many pretend not to notice it.

The essence of the problem “a child from a mistress”

A married man has a child not from his wife, but from another woman. This situation often happens, and this especially happens to men over 40. I have not studied the root cause of this phenomenon and cannot name it.

How the law looks at a mistress's child

First of all, let's figure out what the law says in this case. A legislative solution to the situation voiced has existed for a long time.

In this case, the origin of the child from the mother is determined on the basis of a document from a health care institution about the birth of the child, and the origin from the father is determined by the application of the mother and father of the child, or, if the father of the child does not submit an application voluntarily, then by a court decision to establish paternity.

What they do and how they behave

Hiding. A significant part does not disclose information about this. Husbands remain silent and try to support the child without their wives noticing.
Earn money. In fact, relatively many women, wandering around the world in search of a potential father for their child, opt for married men. There are a number of men helping them achieve these goals. Some even do it commercially. That is, they take money for conceiving a child.
They dissolve the marriage and enter into a new one. A number of husbands are ending their current marriage, abandoning their existing children, and leaving for a new woman and child. This is especially common when the current children have grown up.
They terminate it and do not enter into a new one. It also happens that men cannot afford to be married and decide to end it.
Knowing, they live without breaking up. In this case, the legal wife, knowing about her husband’s adventures, does not worry about the fact that he had a child from another woman. It is clear that she, in some way, may be embarrassed by the fact that her husband needs to spend money on the maintenance of this child, and not only financially, but also temporarily. This is understandable, because she wants her husband to invest more resources in their common child. In any case, some wives are calm about this state of affairs.

The essence of the “child from a lover” problem

It also happens the other way around: a married woman becomes pregnant from a man, but not from her husband.It is clear that the situation is not particularly pleasant and confuses everyone in this triangle.

How the law looks at a lover's child

The Family Code directly stated that a child conceived and (or) born in marriage comes from the spouses. In other words, the situation is as follows.

If a woman is not pregnant by her husband, then the father of the child will by default be the husband. The origin of the child from the spouses is determined on the basis of the Marriage Certificate and a document from the maternity hospital (health care institution) about the birth of the child by the wife. The fact that the husband knows that this is not his child does not change the situation.

Even if the husband takes a paternity test, which shows that he is not the father, he will still be recorded as such on the child’s birth certificate.

In this case, he will need to file a lawsuit against his wife to challenge paternity.

But the situation will change if the husband and wife jointly submit an application to the registry office to not recognize the husband as the father of the child, and at the same time the lover submits an application to recognize himself as the father.

If the husband does not want to write a statement together with his wife, then she can, within 1 year from the moment of registration of the child, challenge his paternity by filing a claim to exclude the record of him as the father. Such a requirement can only be satisfied if the lover provides a statement of paternity.

Psychology of the situation

Conceal. Women are silent, and husbands raise other people's children.
Knowing, they live without breaking up the marriage. In some cases, the husband, knowing and realizing that the child is not his, decides not to worry about this. This is especially true when the trace of the biological father has gone cold, and the wife does not maintain contact with him. In our practice, there were a couple of cases when both the husband and the lover argued about a woman, initially knowing that the child was from the lover. The husband did not want to end the marriage (and neither did the wife), while the lover hoped that his new girlfriend would end the marriage and marry him. A lover has reached a stalemate over whether paternity of his child should be established in court.
Divorce and woman marries child's father. This option occurs quite often in life, but not in all cases.
They get divorced, don’t marry the child’s father, they stay on their own. May be so. There are a lot of reasons for this (it is not known where the child’s father is, he is married, he does not want to get married, etc.).

The most painful moment

The most unpleasant thing in this situation is that when solving their self-centered problems, seemingly normal, adequate adults forget about children. Both those who have already been born and those who have not yet been born.

Family squabbles, first of all, hit the children, and decades later they hit the parents themselves, when the children do not want to have anything to do with them, despite the fact that they are biologically their parents.

In their old age, they will not have any children to rely on, and this may become another reason for the appearance of beggars and elderly homeless people on the street.

Which exit

Any, even the most difficult situation, can be solved if you deal with it, and not hide your head in the sand and bashfully avoid it.

It is important to find those who have already solved a similar problem and exchange with them all your thoughts, opinions, concerns and options for neutralizing it.

Get some life advice from people who are more experienced in these matters and make decisions about which ones are right for you and which ones are not.

Accept for yourself that changes have occurred and you will have to live with it for the rest of your life. How you live it depends only on you.

Vasily MASYUK, family lawyer, Ph.D. legal sciences