In these situations, men behave like children. What to do if your husband behaves like a child

Men are adult children. Their behavior remains virtually unchanged throughout their lives. They grow up, acquire masculinity, build a career, earn money, start families, but remain children at heart. Only their age and the toys they play with change.

Jokes and tomfoolery are in their blood, no matter what position they hold or what social position they have. Remember yourself in elementary school. Braids, bows, a skirt, a backpack over your shoulders... But after a couple of minutes you stand disheveled and disheveled. It's all their fault, the boys. The school battle of the sexes sometimes ended not only with a damaged hairstyle, but also with a fight with shoe bags, followed by locking the weaker sex in the toilet.

Many years have passed since then, you have turned into a real lady. But your classmate Vasya, it seems, remained in a happy childhood.

My good friend is one of the guys who just won't grow up. He studies, works, supports himself. Sometimes you can even have a serious conversation with him. But as soon as we get together in the same company, a small child just climbs out of it. Imagine the situation: an adult guy takes a girl in his arms (no, this is not a romantic comedy, the girl didn’t break her heel or even faint). More precisely, not in your hands. He throws her over his shoulder and starts running, trying to scare her with what he is about to drop. By the way, such a guy always has a couple of friends who are always ready to support him. Take the girl by the arms and legs and start swinging her from side to side for the count of one, two, three? Easily! This whole epic usually ends with friendly laughter, or, if the guys really went too far, with apologies and pleas for mercy: they say, it was funny! If you think this is something out of science fiction, you are very mistaken. Science fiction, however, like romance, has nothing to do with this.

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What makes a man “change clothes” from an adult into a real child? The reasons may vary.

• Search for emotional release. He works in a large company and holds a serious position. In normal life, he has no time for jokes: meetings, conferences, business trips... But we all sometimes want to relax. So he “comes off” in the company of people close to him. Don't judge him for this little weakness, and let him be himself from time to time.
• A way to attract attention. Perhaps he never learned to express his feelings in words, so it still seems to him that as soon as he pulls your pigtail, you will immediately guess that he is madly in love with you...
• Defensive reaction. He just wants to appear cheerful and carefree. And in general he believes that the best defense is an attack. It’s better for him to be the first to make fun of you than to become the object of your caustic joke.
• He didn't play enough as a child. If a man had a difficult childhood, he may feel the need to “catch up.”
• The desire to simply have fun. He's just bored. That's why he wants to have fun, and at the same time make you have fun. And he can’t always understand why you’re not funny.

It’s good when such a game “into childhood” remains a game. There's nothing wrong with having a little fun sometimes at a picnic with friends. It is much worse if a man wears the “mask of a child” all the time: at home, at work, at important meetings... It will not be easy for such a person to build a relationship, and you hardly want to be the “mother” of an adult guy. The main thing is to be able to adapt your behavior to different situations and do not forget to “change clothes.”

Polina Kuznetsova understood male psychology

Meanwhile, a study by the international network “SEX Training Center. RF” refuted the stereotype about the infantilism of men in the minds of women. Thus, more than half of the fair sex consider their partner to be a mature and independent person. But, despite this, 48% of women are sure that it is necessary to care for a man like a small child.

Expert opinion

According to the leading Russian sex coach and founder of the international network “SEX Training Center. RF" by Ekaterina Lyubimova, often women themselves push men to get stuck in childhood, provoking regression and helping the development of their internal complexes and psychological instability, which throws a man back to earlier, less mature and adequate patterns of behavior. They simply seem to him to guarantee the greatest protection and security. “Girls often do not understand that by building a model of an adult-child relationship with a man who has some problems with psychological maturation, they do not “compensate” for his behavior, but aggravate it. A man who realizes that he does not need to be responsible for the relationship, since there is an “adult” in the couple, will become more and more accustomed to this model of behavior, which can lead to irreversible mental processes. In addition, infantilism affects not only the psychological climate, but also the sexual side of relationships. The more infantile a man is, the less he will take responsibility for the sexual life of a couple and the satisfaction of his partner, which means that the woman herself will have to make a lot of effort to maintain the relationship.”

When marrying a handsome man, many girls did not suspect that their husband was a big child, with his own whims and desires. And I really want to be behind him, like behind a stone wall. But there are many ways to change the situation! And all of them are described in this article.

Do men even grow up? After all, very often you can find families where the man behaves like a child, the wife is his mother. And this is fundamentally the wrong position of both sides. The first, as in childhood, accumulates grievances and throws capricious hysterics, and the second indulges him in everything. Both husband and wife forget that they are not mother and son. But such a family is not a completely sad story. It also happens that a wife becomes the husband of the family: she works three jobs, supports the family, cleans the house, and the husband, like a capricious child, only asks for food and attention. And if the wife asks him to do the usual men's work around the house - driving a nail, fixing the water pipe, these tasks require a long preparation, and then another three years of mention. Of course, everyone understands that not all men are clean and have a desire to clean up after themselves, but when 8 years have passed since the wedding, and he still asks his wife every morning to find him clean socks, anyone’s patience will run out. There is only one problem - the husband is like a child. What to do in such a situation? The main thing is not to panic. Or maybe there is a baby inside every man?

During the candy-bouquet period, all the guys seem very good, thrifty and homely. But once a man and a woman live on the same territory, all this evaporates. And then women’s complaints to their friends begin: “My man is a big child!” But in modern society this “diagnosis” is no longer uncommon, because every third representative of the stronger sex suffers from infantilism of character, which leads to constant childishness. His shell grows, muscles, status, work appear, but this does not add responsibility. Toys, too, are no longer plastic guns, but expensive cars, gadgets, phones and “Barbie dolls.” In psychology, this behavior of an adult man is usually called Peter Pan syndrome - a man from a fairy tale who did not want to become an adult. Such modern fairy-tale characters dress up in expensive suits, drive expensive cars, but are capricious over every little thing, are jealous of any manifestation of emotions that are not in his direction, and are very susceptible to stress.

And you don’t even need to delve into the character or psychology of such a man to understand where this problem came from. The root of evil goes deep into childhood, where he was loved too much, he got everything for nothing, the child was constantly surrounded by excessive care and love. In general - everything is for him and in his name.

And it is not at all surprising if the mother of such a man was looking for a woman like her as a wife for her boy. To pass from one wing to another. But then another person came across who demands from the boy masculine decisions and actions. Which, in general, is true. After all, not everyone is ready, just like mommy, to wash his socks and cook borscht while he is lying on the sofa and giving instructions. Moreover, such men most often do not have their own male opinion, and they can be led away from this wing by another woman, whose socks will be cleaner and whose soups will be tastier. But it won’t be good for that girl either when such a Peter Pan moves into her house. After all, now in their family she will become the husband, and he will become a capricious wife, always dreaming of a new car or tie. So it’s a vicious circle, and it’s best to get rid of it at the first stage. Loving mothers cannot be taught this, but wives can correct some things. The main thing is to act calmly and without unnecessary emotions. A cool mind is the best solution, because there is already a capricious person in a problematic family, and this is not the wife.

Every woman has a natural desire to be weak, protected and confident in her real man. But it will take a lot of effort to re-educate such a big child, so for this period tenderness needs to be turned off and the boy-woman turned on. And only in these ways can you achieve results: as often as possible you need to ask him for real male help, even for trifles (carrying a package, finding a street, remembering something). But every time it is necessary to praise the hero for his great deed, because he made this decision himself, like a man! If you need a real man - no to "suskanya"! There is no need to rush around with a man like a fool with a mortar; he can easily pack his bag or documents, serve himself something to eat, or go to the store. And you don’t need to constantly remind him of what he should. The man remembers everything himself. Well, at least it should. Well, if he doesn’t remember what he should buy, let him eat one morning, say, without bread and sausage - he will remember for a long time what he needs to take for breakfast.

Everyone has their own shortcomings, so you shouldn’t scold him for every offense - leaving the light on, scattered socks. It's better to calmly ask for it to be removed. When shopping for important things, you need to consult with him and give him the right to choose. But dictatorship cannot be allowed.

This is how you can re-educate a man-child, but the main thing is not to raise him into a strict dictator who will not give him a normal life. Everything must be in balance. And it is best if in family relationships it becomes a rule to always come to compromises.

Question to a psychologist

My fiancé uses 2 types of behavior with me, he then behaves like a small child, asks to rock, undress and put me to bed, that is, he excessively demands affection from himself; or he constantly makes complaints to me, is rude, jerks me, and the interval between these states can take 1 minute. It’s impossible to ask him for anything, if theoretically I can do it myself, then any request I make causes him to be indignant and scold, so I don’t want to ask for anything again. I know that he is a very good person, he loves me, but sometimes it seems to me that he loves what I can give him (care, affection).
I keep trying to explain to him (both in a good way and in a boycott way) that you can’t talk like that to a woman, to your closest person. He says, yes, it’s impossible, but you’re taking me out yourself. (Recently, very terrible words have been used: “scum”, “creature”, after which you simply don’t want to live from resentment and pain). I don’t know what to do anymore, I hope that I can somehow help him..

Hello Maria! let's look at what's going on:

he sometimes behaves like a small child, asks to be rocked, undressed and put to bed, that is, he excessively demands affection from himself; or he constantly makes complaints to me, is rude, jerks me, and the interval between these states can take 1 minute.

BOTH behaviors are CHILD behavior! Your young man is simply extremely immature, and you allow him to be like that with you - after all, you fulfill these requests of his, stay with him when he criticizes you - he learns only ONE thing, that it is possible to behave with YOU THIS way, that you ACCEPT it!

and this is an indicator of how you feel about yourself!

I keep trying to explain to him (both in a good way and in a boycott way) that you can’t talk like that to a woman, to your closest person. He says, yes, it’s impossible, but you’re taking me out yourself.

Due to his immaturity, he will NOT take responsibility - he shifts the responsibility FOR his feelings, thoughts and actions onto YOU! and YOU WILL NOT convince HIM that he CANNOT behave like this with YOU! don’t expect this from him, and don’t expect him to hear you - hear yourself - if this behavior displeases you - then DO NOT stay in this situation YOURSELF, and don’t ask him to change! DO NOT divide him into good and bad - HE IS! and YOU see HIM - and the more you allow him to accept, the more he will shift onto you - humiliations and insults have already appeared, and you are trying to explain something to him! draw a conclusion for yourself - do YOU ​​accept this attitude towards yourself???

Maria, if you decide to figure out what’s going on, feel free to contact me - call me - I’ll be glad to help you!

Shenderova Elena Sergeevna, psychologist Moscow

Hello Maria! Yes, you can help him, only if he wants it himself. What you are describing is a classic case in psychology. If he does not go to therapy, and you still want to maintain a relationship with him, then you will need to become a “mom” for him for the rest of his life. And small children are very capricious, unpredictable, give them affection like into a bottomless barrel (most likely your young man did not receive enough love from his mother, and he will always not have enough love from you, no matter how much you give him, because that you are not really his mother, and he is unconsciously waiting for exactly that love), then how teenagers become cynical maximalists. If you want this kind of family life, then endure it, and if not, then either convince him to go to therapy, or leave him and look for another partner.

Isaeva Irina, psychologist Moscow

Hello Maria! It is very good that you want to help your loved one. After all, love is self-denial. However, helping does not mean teaching or remaking. Here we again encounter a paradox: in order to help someone else change, you need to change something in yourself. Do you feel pain and resentment after his words and what conclusion do you draw? You try to explain and you boycott. That is, you fall silent, in the hope that he will figure it out on his own. I think that your explanations are not getting through, and there is nothing to talk about silence at all. Then he will guess what he is thinking about. Therefore, your actions, your behavior are extremely ineffective. It doesn't reach the recipient. You get more and more alarming feedback. First, outbursts of irritation, and now insults. However, do you endure and continue in the same spirit? And you want to help HIM? You see, Maria, the form in which you put your requests, your thoughts, and your desires is very important. The form in which you are doing this is not suitable. In response to it, he himself probably feels pain, resentment, insult, or something similar. When you tolerate his antics, he is confirmed that he is right. Because if she suffers, it means she is guilty. As a result, your misunderstanding of each other only increases. There is only one way out here. Each time, clarify what this or that means for him and what for you. You were offended, for example, say so and explain why and how it happened. After this, you must listen to the answer. Not to be further offended, but to understand how he feels. This can be difficult, because when you fall into your grievances, you want to sulk and remain silent, and wait for others to guess. This is how children usually behave.

Sincerely, Natalya Leonidovna Istranova, psychologist Moscow

Question for a psychologist:

Hello! I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 2.5 years. Before this, everything was fine: we understood each other, no quarrels, compromises, common views on life. But over time, the guy began to change. I’m 20, he’s 26. It would seem like a grown guy, what problems could there be: he works, earns money, invests in our future together, both financially and morally. But he began to behave like a child! Takes offense at every little thing; when a quarrel happens, it’s always my fault (that’s what the guy says). When I offer to make peace, the guy begins to behave like a small child, forcing him to make peace “on the little fingers.” "On the little fingers"! Just like when I was 5 years old in kindergarten. Or, when I’m ready to reconcile, it starts: “Well, ask me nicely, I’ll think about it then..” Maybe at the moment of a quarrel, I’ll start to get ready with the words: “If you don’t catch me now on the count of three, then I’m leaving! two, three...", if I don't catch him, he makes a pained face and really leaves. My nerves are already on edge. I can't accept this behavior of a big child. When I start to explain to him that this is a kindergarten and it annoys me, the answer comes: “Well, I like it that way, is it difficult for you to play along with me?” I have explained more than once that I want to see an adult man with me, and not this. It is impossible to achieve a compromise in this situation. The result is scandals, grievances, decreased sexual desire and arousal towards a partner. Before this everything was fine. Nothing of the kind was observed. This childishness began six months ago. I have become irritable, aggressive, I don’t show affection, or rather, I want to show it, but I can’t. Because of this, the young man is offended, says that I have ceased to be tender, affectionate, and it seems to him that my love for him is fading away. And he’s right, my feelings are not the same as before. We used to be on the same wavelength, it was never boring in each other’s company, there was always something new, but now I understand that I’m tired and want to be alone. The guy is offended. I love him and I see that he loves me too, sincerely. He will do it to his detriment, but it is better for me. But I cannot come to terms with this trait of his character. Tell me what to do in this situation? How to solve this problem and save the relationship? How should I proceed in this matter? Thanks in advance for your answer!

Psychologist Lyudmila Pavlovna Sviridova answers the question.

Hello Julia! You and your boyfriend have been together for 2.5 years, and half a year ago his behavior began to change. Let's look at the situation from different angles. Firstly: any relationship itself is fluid, changes are influenced by various factors, including the environment, addiction, self-affirmation, and, in the end, even heredity. Therefore, try to analyze what was associated with the first manifestation of such capriciousness, maybe this behavior is typical of someone from your boyfriend’s family or environment, and he liked it, maybe you allow yourself to be capricious, or, on the contrary, you are too serious, and your relationship lacks ease. Secondly: You write that in everything else you are satisfied with it. This is also an important factor, look at the main roles expected of a man, how he copes with them: protector, breadwinner, main, “child-producer”, future father. To what extent does he show himself in this regard? What are his prospects for the future? If you accept all this, then you can close your eyes to some of the disadvantages. Understand that there are no ideal people - these are illusions. Every person has some shortcomings. Rely on its positive manifestations. Learn to play in relationships, find inside yourself and turn on the “little girl” in such moments, then it will be easier for you to relieve tension between each other. You can’t be serious all the time, it makes life boring and monotonous, a sense of humor helps with this. Thirdly: there is a big difference when people just meet and when they start living in the same territory. Living together is practically family life, and it takes place in different functional areas: household, financial, communication, sexual, leisure - look at which of them you most often have conflicts about, which you cannot agree on. As I already wrote, relationships are always dynamic, they either develop or collapse. If you approach this consciously, with the understanding that everyone has difficulties and conflicts, and this is normal, but everyone solves it in their own way, then ask yourself: “Do I always want to be right? Or do I want to maintain and develop relationships? " The direction of your actions will depend on this: be offended and irritated, or change and fit into each other like puzzles. Such moments in life are called crises, they are like steps in the movement of common life, you can go down, or you can go up. Crises pose new challenges for us, and everyone has different solutions and answers. Therefore, Julia, a lot here depends on you personally. I wish you to learn flexibility in relationships!

How to stop being a caring mother for your husband and become a beloved wife again? What to do if your husband behaves like a small child?

“It feels like I have more than one child, two! And the second one is 40 years old!” If you find yourself in a similar situation, then this article is for you.

Three year old adult

Your husband graduated from kindergarten, school and even college a long time ago. He grew up, learned to pee in a potty and earn money on his own. But here’s the problem: as soon as you are nearby, an adult man degrades to the state of a three-year-old. “I don’t want to,” “I won’t,” “I can’t,” “I don’t know how,” “you’ll still do better.”

Life is good when you wait until you're fifty

Perhaps your husband really hasn't grown up. Since childhood, lovingly cared for by his mother, grandmothers and nannies, he has not yet smelled a responsible and lonely life. He has no experience of making adult decisions on his own. He hasn't learned to solve problems on his own. In a word, he has not grown up yet and is not ready for the role of a husband.

What to do? The choice is small - either be patient and grow it, or give it to another, more patient woman for re-education. In the latter case, in parallel, it is worth looking for the answer to the question “How did I end up next to an immature man? Why didn’t the fire alarm go off?”

You will have to raise it carefully and lovingly - just as you teach order to a three-year-old son. Delegate responsibility to the extent possible. Praise for small achievements. A good option is to start family psychotherapy or at least attend it yourself. So as not to burn out.

Tiger wife

At work, your husband is a responsible boss, but at home he turns into a fluffy kitten. In a previous marriage, he was the thunder of the seas, and a year after the wedding you discover that he is unable to choose a new refrigerator.

Most likely, this could not have happened without your contribution. Watch how you communicate with your husband. We typically talk to others from one of three perspectives: adult, parent, or child.

The adult negotiates, the parent demands, the child begs. Once you become a parent, your spouse instantly becomes a child. And vice versa, the childish position of the spouse awakens the peacefully sleeping parent in the other spouse.

Sometimes we ourselves don’t notice how we make foolish children out of our husbands.

What to do? Start communicating with your husband as equals. Compare:

“Darling, our refrigerator is broken. Go online and choose a new one” – “Of course, honey. Which model is better to choose? (parent - child)

“Darling, I think our refrigerator is broken. Won't you take a look at what's wrong with him? - “Let me take a look, don’t get involved on your own, you won’t understand anything anyway” (child - parent)

“Darling, our refrigerator is broken. What suggestions do you have, let’s discuss” - “Come on. I suggest calling a specialist and first assessing the prospects. What do you think?" (adult - adult)

If your husband slips into the position of a child, stay in the position of an adult:

“Which model is better to choose?” - "Let's discuss. It is important to me that the refrigerator is quiet. What is important to you? (child – adult)

This is not an easy task. We carry into our families the traditions of relationships with our parents. It's not easy to change your mind right away. But if you keep the three positions in mind and practice mindful communication, you will gradually both get used to negotiating rather than manipulating. For those who can’t do it at all, they invented it.